3 Year Anniversary, Not Doing Well

[Ryn]

(((((((mytai))))))) and (((((((Echo)))))))

 

[Echo]

@mytai - the womb not being ready has nothing to do with negativity, just a woman's body maturing. I hope therapy will help you. Another thing that might help is if you could find other women who have shared your experiences; I guess there must be so much more information available now and forums and the like than when I miscarried. People were very uncaring then, but I won't go into it now. I recently read an article in the UK press about a woman who became pregnant as a result of rape and she, of course, reacted like you to start with. She did carry her son to full term, and she didn't know how she was going to cope with it at all, but she loved him immediately, and whilst he was growing inside her eventually, and he and she now work together to help women in that situation. He is the apple of her eye, and an amazing young man. I wish I knew how to find the link for you.

In the end, I think that motherhood, of any kind, is tied up with thinking you are inadequate and guilty and haven't done enough for your children. And it starts as soon as you conceive. I wish you all the healing in the world for this and everything else.

 

[TimeToHeal]

You're not faulty @mytai - no more than any of the rest of us. :)

:hug:

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, tell that to my heart, kidneys, and womb. I'm actually sort of joking... maybe. Not sure. I'm slightly more nuts today than usual.

 

[SeanCharles]

Reaching Out!

I also think our therapists - the good ones at least - would WANT us to tell them when we are struggling and offer them the opportunity to help us through.

I agree! The therapists who do allow their clients to email them definitely do care enough when they grant a client the 'trust' in sharing the therapist's email or even their cell phone number.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I understand. And I wish there was something I could say that could change those negative feelings toward yourself.

But what I can do is offer an understanding and supportive ear and friendship. :hug: to you.

 

[mytai]

Thank you for the support everyone. I'm having a harder time as the days go on. Trying to just stuff it in until I see my T. I know that's not the best solution, and definitely isn't healthy, but she is my only in person support system I trust enough to share this with. I do have other support systems, but I don't trust them enough to open up to them about this. This is a very intimate part if my life and I'm really only comfortable sharing all the details with my T.

I can be vague on here and with my other supports, but it's just relieving the pressure enough so that I don't explode. I really need a hug, I need to cry, punch a pillow, scream maybe. It hurts. A lot.

I also found out in allergic to a specific kind of medical tape they used on the leads stuck to my ribs. I have a nice itchy red rash around it all.

 

[Ryn]

Hang in there, mytai. Lots of virtual hugs headed your way. <3

 

[mytai]

I shared with my T last week about this screaming I have that goes on inside my head. It's what drives me to cut most of the time. This internal screaming (can't tell whether male or female), if I recognize it early enough I can usually use my coping techniques to help silence it or relieve it some. Sometimes it takes cycling through all my coping strategies before it eases but if I catch it quick enough I can release it in a healthy way.

The internal screaming has overwhelmed me since the anniversary on Sunday. Nothing is helping, I was desperately trying not to cut in case it messed with my results for the heart monitor, but I got that off this morning. I've gone through every coping strategy several times and I'm so consumed with this screaming I almost can't hear what is going on around me. I don't know what to do, what this screaming is.

Only two more days until I see my T. I see my social worker tomorrow but I don't connect with her the way I do with my T. Not comfortable yet talking about this stuff with her, I also don't think she knows enough to help me with it. At least I feel like my T can deal with it and help me. So stressed out.

 

[TimeToHeal]

So sorry you continue to struggle, @mytai. But I'm also glad to hear that you're still fighting and not giving up/giving in. I know, for myself, sometimes that it progress in itself!

I can relate to what you describe as screaming in your head that has driven you to cut. I describe the feeling/noise a little differently, but it is quite familiar. I think it's good that you're putting it out there - even if it's just through typed words on this forum, sometimes just getting it out there somehow takes some of its power. :tup:

On another note, how are you feeling physically? Are you still having the blackouts and such?

I know it gets tiring, but keep hanging in there and fighting - you've almost made it to Friday! You can do this! Safe :hug: to you!

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, what is the feeling/noise like for you?

I'm feeling worn down physically, I wish I had some energy so I could go running. Blacking out several times a day, worse with exercise.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I have a bit of a tough time describing it. I usually refer to it as a constant background noise....my head gets really jumbled and I can't grab onto a specific thought, it's just chaos. It's not fun.

I'm a bit concerned that you're still having frequent blackouts, this long after stopping the Prazosin. Will you be seeing your Dr again soon?