And I just saw my T. Literally just got home @
TimeToHeal. I told her about the anniversary, I told her how close I was to the place I was at emotionally before I overdosed. We spent some time talking about that, what kept me from attempting again - I was honest with her and said it was because I knew I didn't have enough to actually accomplish it. I told her about how bad the screaming in my head has been this week, that I haven't been able to silence it, that at some points it has gotten so loud I can't hear what's going on around me.
We talked a bit about how I found it hard to not be able to visit my daughters tree on Sunday. I planted one three years ago in August or September in memory of her. My T asked why I couldn't, I told her it's because it is in the same city my abuser is. She agreed that it is best to not go there right now.
The screaming started to get louder in my head while I was in her office, I wanted to cry, release what was building up in me all week but it wouldn't come out (not because I didn't feel safe there), the more frustrated I got with myself the louder the screaming got inside my head. It felt so loud that it might become audible for my T. I haven't dissociated in her office in the last little while, I've been working hard not to. But when the screaming got so loud I needed a rest, silence, so I slipped away for a bit - I let it come over me and take me into a dark, silent space.
I came back into the room with my T sitting next to me, holding my hand, and doing an energy thing on the back of my neck. Not sure what it was, but it was calming, it helped quiet the screaming a bit. I was able to open my eyes and lift my head up a bit with my T still sitting next to me, that was a first. Then she let go of my hand and put her hand out for me to take, which was hard to do, but I did and I was ok with it for a while, then it got a little overwhelming. Too much stimulus and thinking involved. She kept talking to me quietly the entire time. I'm honestly blessed with such a great T who is supportive, and in tune with me.
She talked about doing more energy work with me next time if I was ok with that, to see if it would help quiet the screaming. I'm not sure what that entails, but I'm not nervous about it because if it is anything like what she did today I look forward to what it will do.
Although I am a little confused now, before I left she asked if there was anything I wanted to tell her, she said she knows I like to write to her after and that sometimes I say I wish I had said something or asked something, so she wanted to give me an opportunity to say it, but that she is also ok if I write to her, or don't. So she just told me I could email her if I wanted to, or not. I'm a little confused just because the previous week we talked about not using email so that I learned to say stuff out loud. But I'm going to have to take her at her word, she gave the ok today to go either way. I think I might email her just to let her know the energy thingy she did today helped quiet the screaming a bit.
She asked if I felt like coming to see her was helpful, I told her yes and she asked why I felt that way. It's hard to explain, I didn't do a very good job of it telling her why, but it's the best I could say at the time without sitting and thinking for a long time - I told her I feel less like a volcano after I see her. That really doesn't describe everything that therapy with her does for me, but it was the best I could come up with that quickly. Especially today, I felt like a volcano ready to erupt, and after being in her office and talking a bit I feel like the pressure inside me was slowly released enough that it doesn't hurt so much.
