Told My Friends About Ptsd And I'm Freaking Out

[Arebas]

I sent an email to my two closest friends explaining them that I dissociate because of PTSD and how that works and how that feels and I'm not sure why I did that cause right now it feels like such a bad idea!

They reacted well. They said all the right things. The are supportive and they feel sorry that I am going through that and they appreciated the trust I showed by telling them. All the right things, really. But I just can't do anything.

That email came out from a zero feeling place. It was really funny, actually. It was called Welcome to Arebas kinky brain 101 and I structured it like a lesson and I don't know why I do that but I always go all funny when I have to say serious things and it felt like a joke or something. I think maybe I wanted them to laugh at it? I've no idea.

But their replies are so supportive and honest and kind that I just don't know what to do with that. I didn't think this thing through. I want to tell them it was all a joke but I can't cause no one says jokes like that. It's like now I can never take it back. They see me and I can't hide and I can't stand that. I don't want them to see inside!

I'm not even sure why I sent it in the first place. I think it was cause a couple sessions ago my T said that I need to let someone in and I need to ask for support somewhere else than therapy and my brain processes information with a huge lag so that was just registered yesterday and then there went the email.

So I guess I accomplished what I was set out to do except now I don't want them to know. I feel like I am so exposed and vulnerable and all that kindness I just can't deal with it and I want to run far far away so they forget the know me and I can forget I told them and none of this happened.

But I can't cause they're in my inbox being all sweet and I have to say something and I don't even want to look at my email anymore cause I can't think.

I don't know why I post that here. Sorry!

 

[FauxLiz]

I think what you did was very brave. It doesn't matter if the delivery was not serious in tone, your friends understood what you were trying to tell them and are supporting you. I know it feels strange and you aren't sure how to accept their acceptance but take a deep breath and hold on to the fact that you did something many of us can only wish we had the courage to do.

 

[Sideways]

Being vulnerable is pretty scary stuff. But it's what good relationships are founded on - you're vulnerable with each other, and demonstrate that you can trust each other in return. Scary doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing, it just means this is new and, well, scary. Your friends sound like quality people:)

Thing is, if you had to sit down and write down a list of everything you know about your friend, you may come up with a list of, say, 30 things. That's information that you carry everywhere, and it's there when you interact with that friend. And it may include some vulnerable stuff about them, like they threw up after their first beer.

But most days, when you meet that friend, you get through the entire meeting without all that information being front and centre. It's just "Hey Joe", not "Hey Joe who threw up after his first beer".

For a little while, may the information you've shared will be front and centre in your friends' minds, because it's new and, since they care about you, significant. But it doesn't take long before this vulnerable information they have about you will become just like your vulnerable information about them. You know?

Disclosing this stuff is a big deal. But it shows your friends that they're important to you, that you trust them, and that's quality-friendship-building stuff. In the long run, you will hopefully all get comfortable with the sharing, and it will just bring you closer together.

Your support network just got bigger and stronger and more helpful in critical times. And that is definitely a good thing:)

 

[Gamera3000]

Once I had a friend who was surprisingly like me in the structure of his life. We both lived lives like horror shows. I dated his brother before he died and then he dated my best friend- otherwise we wouldn't have been friends. We were friends for years but only had a couple of honest conversations. It was very difficult for both of us because we each knew exactly what the other one was feeling and had been through. Somehow that was terrible.

He told me once that he tried to never tell anyone anything that happened to him. Because the conversation would be going well, and then you'd slip and say something awful that happened, and then it was awkward. All you wanted was to take it back and/or never talk to that person again. Man, I totally got that.