Told t about transference

[Overcoming]

I have a horrible time not gravitating toward mother figures and imagining what it must feel like to be hugged and nurtured. That feeling emerged with my T recently and really scared me. The last time this happened, it was with an older friend and it was grossly misinterpreted. That person said some deeply hurtful things that I am still recovering from. It was hard not to compound her words with the message I've felt from my bio mom. "Not enough. Burdensome. Unwanted." Anyhow, my T handled it well and normalized it. I'm still struggling with an inner child that feels like raging and breaking down. T suggested EMDR to process grief about my relationship with my mother. Has anyone used EMDR for something similar and had success? Unrelated to the topic too, I just want to share in an accepting forum, I'm really hurting and feel lonely in this. I love for physical comfort and the presence of a protective-like individual. Fantasy, I know. I relapsed into SH tonight. Nothing crazy, used the physical pain to ground and redirect.

 

[mrsps]

I cant answer your question regarding EMDR but I totally understand the wanting a mother type figure. My T is old enough to be my mother and I wish she would adopt me (lol I am in my 30's). I am lucky that my T allows hugs at the end of each session and I really appreciate and treasure these. It does really hurt to want a protective and supportive mother type figure and not have it :(

 

[Overcoming]

@mrsps I am in the same spot as you. We have not hugged though and I'm pretty sure that we won't since I voiced my concern about feeling transference. I don't necessarily mind feeling that way, but the fear of being hurt and the tremendous impact it would have coming from another mother figure drives me to want to run. Every part of me wishes she would hug and adopt me too, if I'm honest.

 

[Swift]

A mother figure would be nice, hey.
I've never had transference and am quite suspicious of any therapist who seems to like me.
Just wanted to say I hear you and you're not alone here.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I had maternal transference with my last t and wanted her to adopt me. It was hell. She was very kind about it and normalized it as well. In the end she did NOT opt to adopt a grown woman for some weird reason. :p

 

[Overcoming]

@UnicornSightings It feels so weird to discuss it with the person that you feel it toward. I know that it is in my head. It happened with another woman, when she did something that caused me to no longer trust her, the shock wave was intense and deep. I found myself feeling angry and it was akin to feelings that I have had toward my mother in the past. I never want to go through that again. It makes me feel unstable. That person has moved on and not looked back, but I still find myself torn up about it. Worse is that I see her regularly because we work for the same agency and at times, share cases. I'm afraid to trust again and explain the feelings that I am trying to work through. Heaven forbid I make a bigger fool of myself.

 

[UnicornSightings]

But what if it’s a healing experience for you? This stuff will keep coming back up until you face it head-on. It’s awesome you told your t. Keep talking about it when it comes up. And it will. Omg it will. But if it’s a small thought and feeling you have one session and you DON’T say it, it grows. Oh dear god it grows. That’s my recommendation. It’s painful, I know. I really know. I have transference with my male t as well. I got to tell him yesterday how I want to act out, how I was late cause I was mad at him. How I want to be mean to him when he’s nice to me. It’s all childish stuff and embarrassing. And more stuff comes up. Therapy is a Petri dish for longing. It just grows and grows. Talking about it and having all that incredibly embarrassing and painful stuff just plain ACCEPTED?! That’s huge. And it creates a little space around the pain. In that space you can sit with it and with your t and know you’re ok. It’ll hurt but it will also be ok.

 

[Julesy]

"Therapy is a Petri dish for longing. It just grows and grows. " --UnicornSightings

Wow, that is an incredible line right there. So very deeply amazingly true too.

So, I want to share my experience with you with this disclaimer: what happens in my therapy is not for everyone; it just happens to work very well for me. Not necessarily advocating it for all as we all have different needs and ways of relating/healing. So read with an open mind as I figure some may be horrified to even think of this happening in their treatment, and that's okay. I just wanted to share what has helped me and show that I so totally relate to this incredible need and longing to be mothered. So, with that said, here's my story:

I have been in therapy on and off since I was 16 and dying from anorexia. At that time I had a huge mommy-crush on both my therapist and my primary care doc--both females old enough to be my mother. When other teenagers were having sexual fantasies, I was having Mommy fantasies of them both holding me and just rocking me like a child. I swear those make-believe scenarios I'd get lost in saved my ass and helped get me through some very difficult times. I also never talked about the transferrence...it was actually the big elephant in the room, but I silently craved their attention for years.

Fast-forward to now. I'm middle aged with about six more diagnoses tacked onto the eating disorder over the years (which, BTW, I did live through, in case you were in suspense there for a second, lol ). I again have two women in my life, on my care team that are all about Mommy to me, but this time is very different from 16. As the trauma from my early childhood and teen years came back to haunt me--- er, I mean emerged so I could finally deal with it---recently, the petri dish longing emerged greatly once more. But this time, it was talked about and we are integrating it in therapy as a kind of somatic experience. The fantasy I had of being held like a child has come full circle and a regular part of my therapy consists of actually being physically held.

I have had years of talk therapy and nothing has even come close to the progress I have made and the difference this has made in my healing process. And this didn't happen overnight. I had been in talk therapy with my T for eight years before she started holding me a few months ago. It took that long to build the trust to get to this point. My other Care Team member is my Mental Health Mentor who has extensive experience in trauma work (her own and her work with others as a health practitioner) and she holds me as well.

There's nothing amiss about this. It is done with the utmost respect and everything is completely G-rated contact. It is purely getting a need met now that I feel like I have had for an eternity. They model how to hold and love and cherish me as an example that I will eventually be able to do for myself. That's the goal.

Sometimes childhood dreams/teenage fantasies do come true. And when they do, that is (for me at least) where the deep healing can happen.

Best wishes and hopes for y'all, Friends. Be well.

 

[Overcoming]

@Julesy I can't begin to fathom what it would feel like to be physically held by a mother figure. It's what I long for though. So far I've never mustered to ask for a hug at the end of session. It makes me feel selfish to try to get my needs met. Idk. I'm glad that you shared and am so happy for your recovery process and great supports!