Tomcat

[KP the nut]

When I think of all of the things that you have been through, I feel like I should just 'suck it up' and deal with it by myself as there are far more people worse off than me. Nevertheless, thank you all so much for your understanding.

It doesn't matter what the trauma was which caused PTSD the fact is that eveyone here has had their lives affected by PTSD. I consider my traumas minor to some but it doesn't matter, it is our symptoms which connect us more than our traumas.

It is a good feeling to read something here and think, oh so I'm not the only one. With PTSD you can't just 'suck it up'. I wish. However with time, professional help and for me this forum I am managing my PTSD.

KP

 

[tomcat]

I understand that the trauma is relative to the person experiencing it, I just sometimes feel selfish as so many have been through so much worse, and here I am complaining about my trivialities. I think I am being selfish sometimes as I feel I was put here to help others, so I find it a little hard to accept help myself. but I really do thank you so much for your understanding, I am sure when I am feeling a little more positive I will accept more help rather than emotionally blocking myself off. I have had a few bad days in a row of late. Sorry,probably not making much sense as I am tired and just got kicked out of bed for breathing to heavily!

 

[KP the nut]

(((Tomcat))), when I was seeing my T, he did a lot of work around me being kinder to myself. I was so hard and so unforgiving to me, I felt I SHOULD be able to to the things I USED to do. He really made me think one day. He asked me if it were my daughter saying those things, would I tell her she was a pathetic, worthless waste of space. I was horrified and said no, I'd hold her on my knee (daughters aged 22 and 25) and tell them it would be OK. T just looked at me and in that moment I knew how hard I'd been to me.

Once I accepted (for the most part anyway) that, I began to make progress. I think it is common here for us to be really hard on ourselves, to feel we aren't worthy of love. I think it is important to learn to be selfish, to accept what we can do and when we need it, to take time out just for us.

I know it sounds trite and it is much easier to write/read the above than to put it into practise, hell, I know. But is does help.

Be kind to yourself.
KP

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Can I also ask one more thing? I have never (nor do I think I am now) been a hyperchondriac. But I am finding since the depression, anxiety and PTSD, I suppose due to being run down....and because I am out of energy and not sleeping, I am constantly getting ill. From one week to the next I have some new bug that drains me even more. I know its trivial, but do others find this happens too? Or should I just keep that one to myself?

Hey Tomcat,

You are not alone in this one, I myself have gone through it and now watch my boyfriend go through it! I don't think its so much as getting sick with bugs but more like your body is exhausted! The stress, tension, and lack of regular sleep evenually catches up and your body says ok I'm done!!! I know that when I was going through it I made a lot of excuses that I was sick and then I turned around and slept the day away. My boyfriend can pretty much sleep for 3 days straight no problem! Its really hard to gage whats going on but with the hours of research that I have done it makes complete sense! Chin up Tomcat and keep on keeping on, push and push more for help from your GP and you will get to a stage in life where its a lot easier to breath!

 

[tomcat]

You know, the thing about all of this is that I have been trained, as well as it is in my nature to nurture others. I would never call someone else worthless and would do anything in my power to make them know that they are not alone and I do care about them as do others around them. even total strangers. Even when I was called out late at night to a psych patient who was threatening me as well as themselves, I sat down for an hour and did my best to try to let them know I was only there for them to help and that I cared even if they didnt believe me.But I truly did care.

I think when it comes to accepting help, I am only just starting to come off the 'I am not worth it' train of thought. For months now I have been isolating myself from society in general, supermarkets are one of my greatest fears.....so many people, I just shake by the time I get what I need and rush out. I cant even walk my beautiful dog without feeling a sense of fear of being watched by people. I still have a long way to go I know. But this forum is helping and my new GP is wonderful. I know all of the things I need to do, to a point I trained in them, applying them to one's self if the hardest thing of all for me.

<Please remember to place a full line space between each paragraph. Thanks Amethist>

 

[tomcat]

thanks "I want to love him", but tonight I think I was breathing too heavily and thats why I was kicked out of bed and ended up back here! On a serious note though thank you all for your support here. I find it calming and very non judgemental.

 

[KP the nut]

Tomcat, we have a saying here, - babysteps.

This time last year, I wouldn't leave the house, I wouldn't drive, answer the door, go out in public. I would shake, panic, freeze. It is possible to rebuild your life, just take very small baby steps.

I still don't do supermarkets, physically and mentally I am unable to cope. However I am in the UK and I order online and the supermarkets deliver. I also live in a very small town and I'm once again able to visit the local shops.

Sending strength

 

[tomcat]

A lot to be said for living in small towns, I do too. Love it, but at the same time, everyone tends to know your business. Most are supportive I am sure, but some just love the Gossip. I am trying, it is especially hard with three kids under 5yrs. I sometimes would love to take them places, but just cant. Or if I do, I am such a bundle of nervous energy while I am there I have to leave again quickly and they just dont understand why. If it was only affecting me I could handle it, but when I effect them in that way it breaks my heart.

 

[maddog]

Hey Tomcat. Re your kids, let me say, as a survivor of childhood abuse and neglect, that the fact that you love and take care of your children and care enough about them to feel guilty and sad about your limitations, is evidence of the fact that you are giving them everything that they need. When they're older with kids of their own, they won't remember the fact that you couldn't take them to the movies one weekend in November 2011 or that sometimes they couldn't do the things that other kids did... they'll remember that they were raised in a household in which they were loved, nurtured, respected and encouraged to grow and thrive.

I know it's frustrating and can make you feel as though you will never be normal and that you will continue to let the world down forever. But things will get better - all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, work on making it through just one day at a time, and believe that there is a way forward, and you're on your way there.

Time for a little pat on the back to Tomcat...

Maddog