Relationship Tomorrow; Maybe.

[Gen]

I was dating my someone for almost three years who is in the marines, we met in high school but didn't date until we almost graduated, I was with him through everything; basic training, his first deployment and everything in between and while it was hard I never cared that I had to wait for him.

The months after he got back he was distracted and just not really there, I thought it was something about me and was really scared that I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't making him happy and no matter what I tried he just wouldn't talk to me. It was straining our relationship since I live in NY and him in NC now but everytime he was home I would try to go visit but my happiness was always short lived he would exchange time with me with time with his friends it always hurt but I never said anything because I knew he was never home etc.

I always struggled with his lack of attention to me and our relationship and so I never said anything I knew he was stressed with work and a lot of things so I tried to think of it as like "right now its hard but it will pass". Eventually he told me that he was struggling with his day to day and couldn't give me the attention he needed and still I said no we would be OK.

A few weeks later I told him I was stressed and unhappy about work and just my personal goals and he broke up with me and said that he loved me but just couldn't be in a relationship. I didn't know what to say or how to react I was upset I just couldn't understand he was my bestfriend, he had told me to wait for him, to be understanding, patient, and that he couldn't do without me. I refuse to believe that his love for me just left, I couldn't do it trying to get through to him he said he felt numb and just nothing I'm pretty sure now its PTSD he did mention things about his deployment in Afghanistan. It was hard for him to talk to me but I didn't push him to talk about it I knew I shouldn't.

I don't know whether its really over or what I should even do, how can I be supportive for someone who isn't there emotionally, I feel like I can't fight for someone who won't let me. I am trying to just give it time I haven't tried contacting him, understanding that if he needs time and distance that's exactly what I should do. But its hard to do when he has been in my life as much as he has.

There was nothing but love and understanding in our relationship and now I don't know how to feel if I should try or just no do anything? I'm so confused all that I feel aside from hurt of the break up is love for him.

I'm hoping that I wake up and it be a bad dream that I can fix it I always hope that tomorrow I will be able to but I never get any kind of communication from him. Maybe; tomorrow. :(

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

HI Gen,

I feel really bad for your struggle. For 3 years you were deeply involved and supportive with someone you cared deeply for. And you had a lot of hopes at least for positive things to develop between you two when he came home. Instead you were confronted with aloofness, distance, and rejection. That's a lot to deal with. :confused:

From what you described it sounds like he was sincere and trying to be honest with you about what he was capable of in way of relationship.

Even though he may not be ready for a serious intimate relationship. He may still want and need you as a fiend, weather he realizes it or not.

If you really feel you're up to it. Consider asking him if you can still be friends. As a friend make a point to call him weekly and check to see how he's doing. Maybe he will go have coffee with you and things like that. this way you can still see him and be a supportive friend to him.

 

[Gen]

I know, its just when you've known someone as long as I have. Its been really hard to give him his space but as for seeing him well I'm in NYC and he's stationed in NC we have our hometown in common but I don't think he wants me in his life, he completely locked me out andI just don't have in me to text him and not have a response, I know he won't answer if I call and its just hard because I was very cloe to his family and it seems that they think I left him. I don't know I have no idea how to be supportive for him when he won't let me in. At first I was just so shocked because we planned for so much and I had tried so hard to be there he said I love you I'm just overwhelmed so I feel like I guess I just have to give him his space and pray for the best

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Can you contact his mother or whomever you where closest to and explain to them what happened so they don't hold it against you?

 

[Gen]

I tried talking to her but she never responded, I really hope that its just because they don't want to get involved it breaks my heart. I really have no idea sometimes I just want to let it go but how do you do it when you love someone so much that you know they hurt but you don't know how to help them? i feel so uesless now.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I feel your pain, I went through a similar situation.

Do you have any friends you can go out with and get him off your mind?

In a situation like this usually the only thing that helps is time. If you can keep yourself preoccupied for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully it'll be less painful to think about after a few weeks.

You could try writing him a letter if you know his address.

 

[Gen]

I know all his information I just don't have it in me to do knowing how detached he's feeling he won't respond and he knows that I love him and that I didn't want that for us I do, I have plenty to do in my own life just I can't help but feel lost.

 

[justLogan]

It's hard but..........hold on to your friends. we're green but on common ground

Dam code,just shake it and give the hug

A lot to bear son. But for you it's now.

<Edited for readability and spelling.>

 

[ProudWife99]

I'm pretty sure now its PTSD he did mention things about his deployment in Afghanistan. .

I would suggest that it is not wise to assume he is suffering from PTSD until you're sure he has been diagnosed. I don't say this in any way to be harsh, but because without a proper diagnosis it is unfair to both YOU and HIM to treat it that way.

If he has been diagnosed, then he is doing what is best for him at this moment. It may seem like avoidance and it may not be what is best for him in the long run, but right now he just may not be able to handle a relationship with ANYONE, not just you.

I think giving him his space is absolutely the right choice, PTSD or no PTSD. I think if you want to send him a text message or a letter reminding him that you understand his needs, but still care for him, there is no harm in that.

In the end, you have to take care of yourself as HE is not going to take care of you. He has made that pretty evident at this point. I hate to sound harsh, but the realities of PTSD (if that is the case) leave little room for sugar coating.

I hope things improve for you!

 

[Gen]

No don't worry I'm not offended I understand that its not just my assumptions but we talked about it and he said he probably did but didn't think it would make a difference to talk to someone about it and that well he usually just hid what he was feeling from me and also my cousin who is in the marines told me that he probably does, he was deployed three times and said he was finally diagnosed with it when the symptoms were just too much he said that more often then not thats what they go through and its true I have a few friends in the military and diagnosed or not especially if deployed they come back with some form or another. My friend in the navy gets help so she is helping me understand more how it feels and that I should just leave him be and I have its just hard to when you still want someone in your life. I don't think its a good idea to text or write I did enough post break up for a few days that he knows. Truth is since he was always aways away I knew how to go about my dailies and have a life I know I don't have his support and understand his reasoning I just wish I knew I could do something more you know?

 

[ProudWife99]

I absolutely understand about wanting to do more, but I again highly suggest that he is diagnosed. Only he can decide that it is a necessary step, but if he chooses not to be and chooses to hide his feelings, you will be fighting a losing battle should he come back into your life permanently.

I had NO idea what PTSD was prior to marrying my husband, who is also a combat veteran. I knew OF it without knowing ABOUT it, if that makes any sense. I did us both a complete disservice by not knowing as much about it as I possibly could prior to the worst of the episodes. Good for you for having the foresight to seek support and understanding.

Even if you (or him) chooses that your relationship will not continue in the future, you've done all you can do. Continue to look after yourself.

 

[Gen]

Thanks :( it just makes me so sad from one day to another he just left and I just feel I don't know thanks everyone.