Too Damaged?

[Tinyflame]

I too Tosh am trying to do that, in-so-far-as maybe I can't say I 'deserve it' but I am trying to trust, live in the moment, and not fall back on my fears.

 

[Tosh]

I just go chills when I read your post Junebug. Even if I feel that way only for a few hours, it is worth it, you are worth it. I didn't realize I did it, until after I was doing it. My boyfriend sat down with me last night and told me, he has never seen me this healthy, I've really have never been this healthy in my whole life. He told me that my eyes are different, the air when I walk in, everything, I don't know what it is, but I am just going to keep going. Therapy is REALLY helping me. It is key in my recovery, no amount of self help would have gotten me to this point. So grateful I hung on. There was a time not long ago when I wanted to give up, but just keep haning on. I like that phrase "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." I told myself that a few times. Trust is still hard for me! I struggle daily as far as trusting others, but there are a few people I am confortable with. It just takes a long time for me. I still fall back on my fears. It creeps up behind me when I least expect it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Tosh, -how wonderful, :), I hope we can all get there one day.
I feel inklings of it, too, but you are so right, everything you've said.

xoxox, (((((Hugs)))))
Thank you-

 

[incongruent]

I fight every day, but seriously, when the mind AND body go, it's a b*tch.

I know that feeling. I used to get so angry and people would try to reason with me, but it was like "There is literally something chronically wrong in every sector of my life. and they all make the others seem worse. Leave me alone." Mine isn't the autoimmune thing though. My mother drank when she was pregnant with me- before she realized it, and there were complications- and I was a miracle child to even survive what happened. I have a rare disorder that means I don't have ankle joints like most people, and so I walk oddly- which caused me to wear down my knee joint - and I knocked that out a few inches. and there's a bunch of other shiz.. I had that going on before any of the PTSD trauma went on. But it's really why I set the '30' age. I know by the time I'm thirty, I won't be able to walk, I'll be near blind, and my lungs will be that of someone twice my age. So even if I could live that long- I'd really rather not.

(((OKRADLAK)))

We can do this though. All of us. We can make it out alive.

 

[Tinyflame]

The future can be good.
We just have no trust, or very little, in it or ourselves, I fear. :(

 

[OKRADLAK]

(((((((( Incongruent )))))))))))) That is sad! You know, then, what I mean. You really do. It's one thing to fear it, another to experience it......I feared being sick when I first got PTSD because PTSD by itself is so horrific. Every day, now, I do not see a future. I see a future that has a real time limit on it. I am afraid, too.

But I HAVE to think maybe you and I and others who have both can somehow find some meaning. I sure try. I really try to surround myself with things that matter and people that matter. Only the second part is not so easy. I trust too easily out of being desperate. And people are such judges!!!!!