Too Late

[seedling]

@DharmaGirl , so sorry that he didn't make it. I will be thinking of you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you all for you thoughts and condolences. I do have a therapist, and I will see my P-doc as soon as I can. The weird thing is that this has made me feel stronger in my fight for recovery. I am hiring someone to help me clean and organize my house and help me sort through everything, and my son and I have made a pact that we will have a new good life, and we are no longer going to allow anyone else to move in no matter how down on their luck. We need to heal ourselves, and get back to the place we were when I first bought this house.

I know my brother was troubled, and his mental health support people didn't take him at face value, I read his psych eval, and they said he was in no danger of hurting himself even though he overdosed in May of this year. I am angry that he wasn't heard, and I'm going to contact NAMI to help me communicate to the providers that they were partially responsible because they didn't take him seriously. I know I am angry and want to lash out at someone, but when someone has a history of 2 suicide attempts in 6 months, don't write him off as not a danger to himself.

 

[Sammyiam]

I just wish he had gotten the help he needed. I went through a simular situation with a very close friend a few years ago. He had tried a few times and we tried to get him put somewhere safe, just like you did. They just kept saying he was depressed, he came and visited me and went home and gased himself in his car. I just wish that there was more help out there and I am so sorry for you and your family. Please know that we are all here for you to support you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

How absolutely horrible!!! I am so sorry that you've had yet another horrific trauma. ((((((((((( @DharmaGirl ))))))))))))

I really don't know what to say. I'm sitting here aghast for what you're going through. It's my fear too that one day I'll receive a call that one of my sisters chooses that end to her suffering.

I do know that none of this is your fault, and it was never your responsibility to save him. It's just not humanly possible to be someone else's all powerful higher power, no matter how much we want to.

Gosh, I hope you're doing ok. How infuriating that help is so inadequate!

 

[seedling]

I think it would be good for his providers to examine why they concluded he was not suicidal and try to understand what the signs were that he was (besides the obvious - the attempts) and continued to be. I hope you get through to them.
It scares me when I feel suicidal because I am doing so much better and on the outside seem completely successful now. It can't be taken for granted that someone is not suicidal based on outside appearances. It can come on at any time.
I'm glad you are energized for your own healing now.

 

[PoopyPTSD]

That is so tough, and feels unfair that you have to feel this kind of pain all over again. I'm sure the guilt is unbearable. He wanted peace and found it all the wrong way. Just remember he is safe now, and his mind isn't torturing him anymore. I pray that you get some inner peace soon, and we are here for you when/if your thoughts start racing.

 

[City Slicker]

@DharmaGirl, I have limited words for what has happened. My thoughts are with you and I am keeping good thoughts for you and your family right now.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Thank you everyone, your thoughts mean a lot to me. It is such a comfort to read them. I understand that he was so unhappy, and there was nothing I could do (even though I keep thinking there must be something), and that the pain was too much for him to bear. I understand suicide, since I was suicidal for 2 years and had several serious attempts. It's not selfish, and I'm not angry at him, I just hope he knew I loved him, and that he will be able to find peace now.

I'm afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I know I need to sleep but I'm in pain from my stenosis in my back, that goes down my legs to my feet, and that makes is harder to sleep. I think I will take a sleep aid, and stop worrying about nightmares. I have to take his dog to the humane society tomorrow and it's breaking my heart. I already have 2 cats (he chases cats), 6 chickens (he's killed 4 of those, and 2 mastiffs and I can't afford another large dog. He needs 4 walks a day because he jumps a 4 foot fence and climbs a 6 foot fence. I guess I will lie down and see if I can relax. If not, I will be back.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @DharmaGirl, I'm truly sorry, so sorry that your brother didn't find the help, the understanding he so needed. My heart feels deeply with you, the one who had to find him, after he did what he did.

Please know, that you and your beloved ones are in my heart. And that all my comforting and good thoughts are with you. I humbly, offer to light comforting candles for you and your family. Sending my sincere condolences.

 

[seedling]

I believe that he is resting and at peace right now, and that he is near you and with you. To be close to and love someone in that much pain is unimaginably difficult. You have done well.
I will pray for his dog.

 

[ms spock]

Oh Dear Dharmagirl!

I so feel for you for seeing and experiencing that. No one should have to see that!

I am sending big hugs, if you accept them, and I am so sorry for what you and your brother lived through in your childhoods/lives that meant that this was an option for him.

I wish I could say something else that was meaningful and could reach out through the internet and give you a lot of self care items and so much compassion.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry, Dharmagirl. I'm sorry your brother made that decision. I'm sorry you found him.

But I'm glad this has energized you. Take care.