Other Too many tragedies

[Jax1030]

Hi everyone...I am new to this site and am here in desperation to hear from some others diagnosed with ptsd that can relate to the type of things I have been through. I will give a brief summary of my history. It all started when I was a child. When I was 14 I witnessed my 10 year old cousin who was living with us at the time get shot in the head. We were sitting next to each other right in front of our house when it happened. It made national news. Fast forward to 4 years later I was a victim of assault. Then from age 19-24 I was in a very verbally and physically abusive relationship I managed to escape. At age 28 I was in 2 serious car accidents within 1 year both caused permanent injuries and health issues that changed my entire life. One of those car accidents almost killed me as the car exploded. At age 30 the man I was dating at the time tried to kill both of us. I have lost 6 jobs within the past 10 years. Because of that I am in extreme debt and lost everything. I currently am having to live with a family member. I am now 35 and within the past 3 years I was diagnosed with 2 serious autoimmune diseases and will never be able to work a fulltime job ever again in life. My doctors encouraged me to apply for disability which I did with one of the area's top disability lawyers and it went to court and the judge denied me claiming that yes I was both mentally and physically disabled but that I was still young enough for things to so called improve and denied me. Now we fast forward to today and within this past year I lost 2 younger brothers one 27 commit suicide and the other 32 died in a car accident. Last month my father died of liver cancer after 6 months in a coma for multiple strokes and other health issues. Yesterday I was in another car accident. A neighbor hit me and my car was destroyed.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, panic disorder, depression, ocd and complex ptsd. I have 2 different therapists I see every week and a psychiatrist I see every month.

My question is this....I no longer know how to deal with life. I thought I knew but after all that has happened this past year I am at a loss for words. I have lost all faith and hope for a better life. I have now lost all my passion for life and gave up on every goal and dream I ever had. I am a writer and have spent the past several years writing my first book based off my life. I am now 75% done and chose to drop it and no longer want to do it. Writing used to be my only escape and now I want no parts of it. Everytime I sit down and start writing I go into a panic attack and have to stop.

If there is anybody out there that knows this level of pain can you please tell me how you survived because I dont know anybody right now in my shoes. My family can relate with grieving but they cant relate with all my injuries, health issues, job loss, accidents, being assaulted, losing everything I had due to loss of finances and being a victim of domestic abuse. I feel very alone. All their lives have worked out. If there is anyone out there that knows what this feels like I want to hear from you........

 

[Ronin]

Hi,
Im so sorry for what happened to you.

I try to remember life could change so fast to the worse, so it can to the better, too... I need to keep moving, through time if nothing else.

Try to be patient, with yourself and life. It wont be this, always.

& The good you had, shared, remains. Even when people go.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Jax1030 Yes, a lot of people on this forum have had illnesses, violence, trauma of all kinds, and resulting life-long health problems as a result of trauma. In my case, I had childhood epilepsy, an absent father, a cold-unfeeling mother, almost didn't get my diploma due to seizures and med effects, and was told I'd never make it in college (I did). I experienced incest, rape as a teen, violent first marriage, strangling/rape, traumatic brain injury, 2nd husband narcissistically abusive and divorce, intimidation and stalking, a kidnapping (my elderly father), and crazy making sociopathic brother. My father died last year, and because of all the trauma, I do not see my daughter, or my grandson-lots of loss. It's all trauma. Everyone is very different with their trauma experiences and reactions....and you can't compare one set of traumatic events to another.....because to you, your trauma is awful....and you are a surviver....because you are here and you haven't copped out or given up...........you are a survivor.

I get the living with someone because of having an illness....you lost not only everything else, but your independence. Losing independence is a huge thing for me, and I don't function well when that has happens....loss of my ability to drive just makes me crazy. But, you can set short term goals, and you can rebuild believing that if you were independent before, you can be independent again....I think of PTSD at it's worst, like being one of the 3 little pigs and there was a wolf who blew down the house.....and they had to run to find another home....a safe place.

Your writing may be impacted negatively by your trauma-I had a harder time thinking of things to write about at my worst with my CPTSD. I am also a writer and I publish educational materials. When things were at their worst, I didn't feel creative.....and I didn't want anything to do with education or writing or publishing so I retired, and I didn't write for over a year. The break was a good thing. What other skills do you have besides writing? What do you need to do for your health to lead you in the direction of independence. How are you functioning day to day? How is your memory? What do you do to relieve stress? I'm so sorry this has happened to you......it is so very hard to be dependent on others......I can totally empathize.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm really sorry you've experienced so much trauma and unhappiness in your life @Jax1030

All their lives have worked out.

^Everything is relative @Jax1030 - and comparing your life to anyone else is probably going to cause you even more heartache.

Everyone has their own story.

Nobody gets a free ride in life.

You may not know about the events and difficulties other's have experienced because you cannot know their history entirely. No one ever does. We all keep secrets and some of them are too personal to tell others.

Comparing trauma is also unnecessary and bound to screw your head up. My suggestion, don't go there. Accept that you have experienced severe traumatic events in your life so far and you don't have to prove anything more to anyone.


I agree with the Judge in the sense that you are still so young. I don't know his reasoning for his Judgement when it comes to denying you disability but I do think you have so much potential. Never give up Jax, never!

I hope by the fact that you have come here shows that a fighter and survivor still dwells within and maybe is pushing you to recover.

Dive into your survivor self and see what can be found. I know... sounds cheesy right? What else is there to do right now you are in depths of despair so which way are you going to go? Up? Down?

There are numerous people on this forum who have experienced multiple trauma including me. So you are in good company. Have a look around and explore the merry-go-rounds and slides that other have experienced here. :)

When you describe your life like a shopping list of terrible traumatic events as you have done in your opening post it's too easy to forget the good stuff that happened in between. There's got to be something that you aspire to or hold dear.

I know you didn't join this site to tell us your whole life story rather, I'm suggesting that when you find yourself thinking in 'all and nothing', as in all my life has been ruined by trauma and there is nothing left for me, you using balance to moderate that. That is feelings v thinking. Feelings are not always accurate. Have a look around here and see how other members talk about this. It's really very interesting and I hope it helps you.

Your writing may be impacted negatively by your trauma-

^I agree. I think it effects most ways of viewing the world however I hope you find a way forward where you have something good to say about yourself and your life in the future.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm really sorry you've experienced so much trauma and unhappiness in your life @Jax1030



^Everything is relative @Jax1030 - and comparing your life to anyone else is probably going to cause you even more heartache.

Everyone has their own story.

Nobody gets a free ride in life.

You may not know about the events and difficulties other's have experienced because you cannot know their history entirely. No one ever does. We all keep secrets and some of them are too personal to tell others.

Comparing trauma is also unnecessary and bound to screw your head up. My suggestion, don't go there. Accept that you have experienced severe traumatic events in your life so far and you don't have to prove anything more to anyone.


I agree with the Judge in the sense that you are still so young. I don't know his reasoning for his Judgement when it comes to denying you disability but I do think you have so much potential. Never give up Jax, never!

I hope by the fact that you have come here shows that a fighter and survivor still dwells within and maybe is pushing you to recover.

Dive into your survivor self and see what can be found. I know... sounds cheesy right? What else is there to do right now you are in depths of despair so which way are you going to go? Up? Down?

There are numerous people on this forum who have experienced multiple trauma including me. So you are in good company. Have a look around and explore the merry-go-rounds and slides that other have experienced here. :)

When you describe your life like a shopping list of terrible traumatic events as you have done in your opening post it's too easy to forget the good stuff that happened in between. There's got to be something that you aspire to or hold dear.

I know you didn't join this site to tell us your whole life story rather, I'm suggesting that when you find yourself thinking in 'all and nothing', as in all my life has been ruined by trauma and there is nothing left for me, you using balance to moderate that. That is feelings v thinking. Feelings are not always accurate. Have a look around here and see how other members talk about this. It's really very interesting and I hope it helps you.



^I agree. I think it effects most ways of viewing the world however I hope you find a way forward where you have something good to say about yourself and your life in the future.

Yes, I am much less black and white than I was....I see loads more gray. My writing has a positive flavor....and even the feedback I give others is much more positive. When I was in black and white thinking (all good vs all bad) yeah.....life sucked cause I saw it as all bad.
The past two years, I've made many positive memories and set myself up for finding the good rather than dwelling on the bad experiences in life. Thank you for your concern and words of encouragement.

 

[Jax1030]

Hi,
Im so sorry for what happened to you.

I try to remember life could change so fast to the worse, so it can to the better, too... I need to keep moving, through time if nothing else.

Try to be patient, with yourself and life. It wont be this, always.

& The good you had, shared, remains. Even when people go.

Thank you so much for your kind words and positive feedback....it is nice to know there is a place where people can relate and understand these type of events....

 

[Jax1030]

@Jax1030 Yes, a lot of people on this forum have had illnesses, violence, trauma of all kinds, and resulting life-long health problems as a result of trauma. In my case, I had childhood epilepsy, an absent father, a cold-unfeeling mother, almost didn't get my diploma due to seizures and med effects, and was told I'd never make it in college (I did). I experienced incest, rape as a teen, violent first marriage, strangling/rape, traumatic brain injury, 2nd husband narcissistically abusive and divorce, intimidation and stalking, a kidnapping (my elderly father), and crazy making sociopathic brother. My father died last year, and because of all the trauma, I do not see my daughter, or my grandson-lots of loss. It's all trauma. Everyone is very different with their trauma experiences and reactions....and you can't compare one set of traumatic events to another.....because to you, your trauma is awful....and you are a surviver....because you are here and you haven't copped out or given up...........you are a survivor.

I get the living with someone because of having an illness....you lost not only everything else, but your independence. Losing independence is a huge thing for me, and I don't function well when that has happens....loss of my ability to drive just makes me crazy. But, you can set short term goals, and you can rebuild believing that if you were independent before, you can be independent again....I think of PTSD at it's worst, like being one of the 3 little pigs and there was a wolf who blew down the house.....and they had to run to find another home....a safe place.

Your writing may be impacted negatively by your trauma-I had a harder time thinking of things to write about at my worst with my CPTSD. I am also a writer and I publish educational materials. When things were at their worst, I didn't feel creative.....and I didn't want anything to do with education or writing or publishing so I retired, and I didn't write for over a year. The break was a good thing. What other skills do you have besides writing? What do you need to do for your health to lead you in the direction of independence. How are you functioning day to day? How is your memory? What do you do to relieve stress? I'm so sorry this has happened to you......it is so very hard to be dependent on others......I can totally empathize.

Thank you so much for taking time to read and respond back with your words of kindness and support. From what you told me you have been through some similar situations and know how I'm feeling especially being a writer also. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one struggling to write at a time where normally my artistic nature would be alive and well. I used to write my absolute best during the toughest times but now it is different and difficult. I have zero focus and black out. I also have memory issues and it is very frustrating. I think what you said about you had to take some time off from writing makes so much sense. I am going to back off from it for right now until I can clear my head again. Your advice on focusing on just setting short term goals right now sounds like a pretty good idea that is worth trying! Nobody ever mentioned that to me as a good way to start getting back on track yet it makes so much sense. Yea I definitely feel like I lost my independence when I had to move in with other people. I lost everything a few years ago and am still struggling to pick up the pieces. I was always the type of person that refused to ask anyone for anything so this situation makes me feel pretty pathetic. It's almost like sometimes all we want is a miracle. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for all of your support and positive words. It really means a lot! ?

 

[Deanna]

In my case, I had childhood epilepsy, an absent father, a cold-unfeeling mother, almost didn't get my diploma due to seizures and med effects, and was told I'd never make it in college (I did). I experienced incest, rape as a teen, violent first marriage, strangling/rape, traumatic brain injury, 2nd husband narcissistically abusive and divorce, intimidation and stalking, a kidnapping (my elderly father), and crazy making sociopathic brother. My father died last year, and because of all the trauma, I do not see my daughter, or my grandson-lots of loss. It's all trauma. Everyone is very different with their trauma experiences and reactions....and you can't compare one set of traumatic events to another.....because to you, your trauma is awful....and you are a surviver....because you are here and you haven't copped out or given

We have a lot if things in common. I understand the " trauma everywhere you go". That's me. When I got old enough to drive, even at Christmas, i would drive and drive and never show up to broken family events. I was too traumatized. The whole was just crazy.. Everyday. Caos.

I'm grateful we have this forum for people like us.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you so much for taking time to read and respond back with your words of kindness and support. From what you told me you have been through some similar situations and know how I'm feeling especially being a writer also. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one struggling to write at a time where normally my artistic nature would be alive and well. I used to write my absolute best during the toughest times but now it is different and difficult. I have zero focus and black out. I also have memory issues and it is very frustrating. I think what you said about you had to take some time off from writing makes so much sense. I am going to back off from it for right now until I can clear my head again. Your advice on focusing on just setting short term goals right now sounds like a pretty good idea that is worth trying! Nobody ever mentioned that to me as a good way to start getting back on track yet it makes so much sense. Yea I definitely feel like I lost my independence when I had to move in with other people. I lost everything a few years ago and am still struggling to pick up the pieces. I was always the type of person that refused to ask anyone for anything so this situation makes me feel pretty pathetic. It's almost like sometimes all we want is a miracle. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for all of your support and positive words. It really means a lot! ?

I started with functional things.....and used a habit tracker on my phone (meds, eating right, exercise-in my case walking/running, consistant out of bed time/and in bed time, lights out by 11, and sleep tracking (now I do sleep 7-8 hrs total a night) Working on getting routine where there was holes....was my first me thing. Then I worked on different things-routines for the morning (eating a breakfast, washing the dishes, put in a load of laundry-kinda thing) and I'd reward myself with something that tasted nice that wasn't a lot of calories or a short Netflix show. I always included at least one trip out of the house, even if it was only outside (rain was an exception)..so a walk in the neighborhood has been healthful. I did art, but it was with a group of people....and I've met some people who have common interests taking classes. What did you do before you were a writer? How did you make money writing if I may ask (what kind of writer are you? I write educational materials and sell them.

 

[talon]

Hi everyone...I am new to this site and am here in desperation to hear from some others diagnosed with ptsd that can relate to the type of things I have been through. I will give a brief summary of my history. It all started when I was a child. When I was 14 I witnessed my 10 year old cousin who was living with us at the time get shot in the head. We were sitting next to each other right in front of our house when it happened. It made national news. Fast forward to 4 years later I was a victim of assault. Then from age 19-24 I was in a very verbally and physically abusive relationship I managed to escape. At age 28 I was in 2 serious car accidents within 1 year both caused permanent injuries and health issues that changed my entire life. One of those car accidents almost killed me as the car exploded. At age 30 the man I was dating at the time tried to kill both of us. I have lost 6 jobs within the past 10 years. Because of that I am in extreme debt and lost everything. I currently am having to live with a family member. I am now 35 and within the past 3 years I was diagnosed with 2 serious autoimmune diseases and will never be able to work a fulltime job ever again in life. My doctors encouraged me to apply for disability which I did with one of the area's top disability lawyers and it went to court and the judge denied me claiming that yes I was both mentally and physically disabled but that I was still young enough for things to so called improve and denied me. Now we fast forward to today and within this past year I lost 2 younger brothers one 27 commit suicide and the other 32 died in a car accident. Last month my father died of liver cancer after 6 months in a coma for multiple strokes and other health issues. Yesterday I was in another car accident. A neighbor hit me and my car was destroyed.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, panic disorder, depression, ocd and complex ptsd. I have 2 different therapists I see every week and a psychiatrist I see every month.

My question is this....I no longer know how to deal with life. I thought I knew but after all that has happened this past year I am at a loss for words. I have lost all faith and hope for a better life. I have now lost all my passion for life and gave up on every goal and dream I ever had. I am a writer and have spent the past several years writing my first book based off my life. I am now 75% done and chose to drop it and no longer want to do it. Writing used to be my only escape and now I want no parts of it. Everytime I sit down and start writing I go into a panic attack and have to stop.

If there is anybody out there that knows this level of pain can you please tell me how you survived because I dont know anybody right now in my shoes. My family can relate with grieving but they cant relate with all my injuries, health issues, job loss, accidents, being assaulted, losing everything I had due to loss of finances and being a victim of domestic abuse. I feel very alone. All their lives have worked out. If there is anyone out there that knows what this feels like I want to hear from you........

The 1st thing i will say is that you are a survivor not a victim yes you were a victim of things outside of your control but yours is a story of great courage and you must tell your story because not to do so would indeed be a real tragedy . The story of Jenny Hayden who created over 2000 alters to survive an abusive childhood only to eventually see her father jailed for life is an inspiration. She has a colostomy bag and various other health issues but finally she is free of her past . read the story here . Woman with multiple personality disorder gives evidence against her father at child abuse trial | Daily Mail Online . The article states she has a multiple personality disorder that is incorrect she has DID Dissociative Identity Disorder .