Too Scared To Speak

[Leah123]

Hi all,

I've been dealing with a scary family situation lately, and it's kind of shocked me how hard I've taken it: I don't think I probably do a good job acknowledging how reasonable my fears are, but lately I've been overwhelmed by feelings a lot more than usual, fear, frustration, anger, and a huge amount of stress. My therapist referred to it once as an emotional migraine. I've had trouble for quite a while even listening to my own playlist because I feel so stressed that the sound is grating.

Many PTSD symptoms are up: nightmares, hypersensitivity, irritability, panic, and fear. My fear reaction is definitely spiking.

One of the most uncomfortable parts of this past few weeks has been the times I am too scared to really talk. Once, I found myself having such a strong impulse to sit, back to the wall, wrapped in a blanket to feel safe, that I did a phone therapy session that way. I could hardly speak, finally, after feeling a complete failure for a while, I emailed my therapist what was going on. It was almost impossible to convince myself it was a good idea to talk to her; my instincts were screaming at me to wait til I was more put together, and I usually listen to them, but she's an ally, so I pushed through.

Again recently, I couldn't talk to her for more than half an hour. I was a little upset about a misunderstanding we had, but am so shaken about my family situation, I was too scared to risk getting upset with her. I've explained it all to her now, so she knows I'm struggling and I hope she'll help me work on the fear. We're starting DBT formally today, to help me in the worst moments to regulate my emotions better.

The thing is... this just isn't "like me." Not anymore. I'm confident, articulate, strong.

I'm feeling kind of.... alone with this, I can understand why my reactions are so strong, but I sure don't like it, I feel.... unreasonable, irrational.

I'm trying to work through it, take good care of myself, stay active as much as I can, but I think I need to keep working on being understanding (the old impulse to be angry at myself for my weaknesses is way up too) and I feel like I'm never calm or centered anymore, that's one I am trying to work on too.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Mercy]

Good for you for naming your spike in symptoms. I agree with you. Keep working on understanding...maybe a shorter word like tolerate, accept. I like accept your feelings, notice and name them as you are already doing. Maybe, Explore with your T what you are thinking when you can't speak. For me, it was fear of being hurt or punished. Sometimes my mind was blank too.

This forum is a good place to find people who can relate.

 

[Annie B]

I can very much relate, though I don't have much to say that might help you feel better. :(

I went through something similar (spiking symptoms, particularly those you listed) a few months after my son was born. I was a wreck for months and months, had to find a therapist too, had trouble dealing with triggers that I thought I had gotten over. I joined this forum as a desperate way to connect with the outside world so I didn't feel like I was so alone. I wasn't me anymore, i used to be articulate and strong too! I'm only now on the upswing but there are still days and sometimes weeks the anxiety is so bad I won't leave the house. It does become more manageable though and many of the symptoms will subside and lessen in their intensity. I promise, it will be ok. :)

You can do this!!

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

I can definitely relate, I'm going through a situation with family, and can 100% agree that my family member triggers me so badly that my body is constantly aching from being in Fight or flight mode. I too am hypersensitive, Irritable, depressed, etc. I can FEEL the fear wash over me, which is probably my adrenaline spiking. I suffer from Adrenal Fatigue as a result, and after every encounter it takes me 3 days to get my energy back. Not to mention that my body has been trying valiantly to cope with the triggers. For every olfactory hallucination that I experience negatively, I will have one at some point that triggered a positive feeling. I understand how you feel . And I'm sorry for you too.

 

[Seasounds]

Gosh, yes I relate. Your ability to articulate is a good sign. Hope you get a break soon, of peace and calm.

 

[ButterflyBean]

How did therapy go today? Thinking of you, gentle hugs! PC me if you need to vent, I'm here to listen!

~Holly

 

[Abstract]

I hope you and your family are safe Leah. I think its normal in the context to have your symptoms to spike and for past feelings of trauma to surface when being exposed to a present and I am guessing related stressor. Not being able to speak emotionally and physically is my default when feeling unsafe so I sympathise.

 

[Leah123]

Thank you all. It's getting better. I think I got triggered, because last night I had a realization, was able to pinpoint/name a specific fear/trigger and after that occurred to me, it almost seemed like fear was a balloon that popped, and I could manage better and rest again.

I hope it's just that, and now I can work on things better, no more nameless worry. Phew.

Thanks again.

 

[Leah123]

How did therapy go today

Thanks, Holly. The therapy went pretty well, not too overwhelming this time, and we're starting DBT soon for emotional regulation...I'm hoping it will help.

 

[Mercy]

I think I got triggered, because last night I had a realization, was able to pinpoint/name a specific fear/trigger and after that occurred to me, it almost seemed like fear was a balloon that popped, and I could manage better and rest again.

I experience this same train of events. The fear is a sign to me that something fearful is trying to surface. Once I can tolerate the fear, connect the dots, whatever the incident was can come to the surface and be revealed. You are right about fear. For me, the fear has been like being in a pressure cooker. When the valve(fear) blows off, the pressure can be opened.