Too Tired To Live- Too Tired To Die

[mamachick]

I feel so very stuck. Have been having many thoughts of suicide, but no plan and afraid of failure. Feels like I am just displaced. I should have died in the accident I had a few years ago.
I try to remember that life is on Gods terms and not mine, so God must have another plan for me besides suffering.

Being assaulted in my home by a cop 2 years after the accident is what I cant seem to get past. I was drug out of my home in the middle of the night and paraded without my body being covered in front of former co workers. Often, I cannot fall asleep until the sun comes up. Then I cant get things done during normal business hours. Dont even care really. Just existing. I have just been put back on xanax because I went three days with only 6 ours of sleep. I suppose sleep deprivation does lead to SI.

Im not sure this is even ptsd related or just plain depression. I want to fall asleep and just stay asleep to things are better. Til I am better. I am to the point that I dont want to leave my house. I am just so tired. I have no interest in anything at this point and my life has no meaning. Im just so tired and yet anxiety is overwhelming. It has gotten so bad that I have let my ex back into my life to care for my dogs as I feel like I wont be able to for much longer.

 

[Barberian]

When things are overwhelming for me, if you have read any of my posts you will see sometimes I simply write "So I sit here..." This to me means "All thing too, shall pass". At these times I usually try and clear my mind of everything and simply wait. It may be a short time, it may be a long time, it may be a very long time, but I wait. Eventually something will come up and I move on, usually in a better mood.

Hang in there.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sorry you're feeling so bad (((brat17)))

I think Barberian offers some good advice there. Sometimes, for me, the pressure will build because theres things I should be doing and I just can't manage to do it. But it can be a vicious circle, the more pressure I put on myself to work properly, the more I feel like a failure and that makes it more difficult than ever to do anything.

So sometimes it helps to allow myself a day or two where I tell myself that nothing needs to be done apart from the basics. But when I curl up on the sofa etc, I tell myself 'its ok to do this for today'. I think giving into it without a fight, makes me feel more in control again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear dear Brat, you ARE very much supposed to be here and VERY MUCH supposed to survive your accident.
The lack of sleep, anxiety, RELIVED thoughts and experiences are equatable to ptsd and very much draining (and depressing).

The humiliation you felt or are re-experiencing is over, never was your fault, was grossly wrong and traumatic, and very likely viewed by others as wrong as well, and almost everyone knows how that feels and I am sure if anything would support you, not agree or condemn you.
You are loved very much and needed, and a beautiful tender-hearted person, and you will get thrugh this,
(((((((((((xoxoxoxoxox)))))))))))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Brat)))
My heart goes out to you. You need to rest and be very gentle on yourself. I remember feeling like you do now. I never thought I would make it. You are not alone. Keep on talking about how you feel and what you are going through and you will get lots of support and help. I hope you are eating regular meals.

I am sorry that you are stuck in the humiliation of the event with the cop. And I can relate to the anxiety being out of control.

So go ahead and rest and take care of you. You don't know what good is around the corner for you. I know that sounds trite but it is true. Hang in there and good for you that you survived the accident.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you all for your responses. Barbarian, you are the voice of reason and very rational. Only after a couple days sleep do I see how right you are. Meadowsweet, I have not been productive and feel quilty but tolerate the guilt for the benefit of avoidance. Even though I want to want to do things, I just dont. I am taking your advice and allowing to just "be".

Junebug and gizmo, you are both so encouraging and compassionate. I feel so lucky to be able to share here with all of you, as I cant in my physical world. I fear making others afraid for my safety-which I do not plan any harm, but I do get afraid of falling into deeper darkness. I do not want others to over react. Then there is my ex husband who knows I am depressed and tells me to snap out of it. My friends that are happy I do not want to bring them down or make them worry.

I have been off xanax for over 2 years. My sleep is so erratic and I am often up all night and sleep most of the daylight hours. I think it is because I was drug out in the middle of the night. When I had company a few months ago, I slept thru the night. Consciously, I do not feel afraid. Yet at night I feel I need to be alert if that makes any sense. I need to be prepared so I keep clothes on the end of my bed in case I need to get dressed quickly. That is the nights that I even get undressed.

I use to be a great time manager. I rarely watched tv or had it on. I never sat and did nothing. I never played a video game. I was either up and doing something, gone on errands or work, and if I was sitting I was likely doing paper work or something productive like reading for work. Now I am productive less than an hour a day. I dont even care to shower, I quit wearing make up, I dont leave the house, rarely read, etc.

I feel like if I dont do anything worthwhile, nobody can take it away from me. I know I sound pathetic. I am sorry for babblying on. My problems are not worse than anybody elses. Thank you for listening and your support and encouragement-it means so much to me

 

[maddog]

Brat, you sound so very much like me right now. I do think that significant depressive states, during which it is very difficult to do even the most basic and previously-loved things, are fairly common of the evolution of trauma. I think that at certain times our brains just need to shut down some aspects of our lives to some extent in order to do the work of processing.

In most cases I believe this is only a temporary state, and that as long as you are staying as committed as you can to self help and self care and are working on your trauma to the best extent that you can, this too will likely passand the veil will lift.

I'm holding out this hope for myself too, as one who is also struggling with basic self care, finding interest in nothing etc. It can get better, we just have to keep hanging in and believing.

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

Thank you maddog. How long have you been feeling this way? not a smart question I know, because I know how hard it is to identify the subtle decline little by little.

I feel like I could benefit from a 30 day program of structure to get me jump started. I actually thought about telling dr I have an addiction to get in, but I dont think they would send me to Betty Ford, Im guessing I would end up at a place with roaches and bedbugs and just have another problem to deal with. lol

Why are there not programs like this for ptsd? I use to teach lifeskills-now I have none. Actually I do, just not the energy.

Hang on to that hope-there is always hope. You hang in too.

 

[maddog]

Not an easy question to answer Brat, as to how long I've been like this. It tends to ebb and flow, will decline for a time and then markedly improve until the next stressor or accumulation of stressors tends to send me on the downward spiral again. I don't think it's the sort of phase that starts, runs its course and then is gone forever, but more like a typical feature or symptom that is likely to require management for an indefinite period, but can certainly be dealt with.

Funny you should mention a programme. I'm starting one next Saturday, my first in-patient treatment ever.

Scared... but hopeful.

MD

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Brat- Please hang on. I can relate to the not wanting to take a shower and letting myself go. I am trying to put more effort into self care. It is hard but it makes a small difference. You will not always feel this way. I hope you are eating regular meals. I know it is hard to move when you don't have any energy. You could benefit from writing and getting it all out. It would make you feel beter. Just keep on talking about how you feel. Are you needing to go to the hospital? Mabe it is something you could check into. They would have structure and you would be taken care of. I do not know if you could swing it but it is something to consider. Well I hope this helps and does not hurt. Take what you like and toss the rest.

 

[LizardViolet]

Brat, I don't know you at all, but it sounds like isolating yourself isn't helping. You don't want to burden your friends, but that's what friends are for.

Since you slept a lot better with someone else in the house, how about asking one or two friends to sleep over a couple of times a week?

When I've been falling apart, I've focused on the basics. Regular meals. Regular sleep. Take a shower, get dressed. Clean up the kitchen. Set yourself modest goals. At the end of the day, give yourself credit for taking care of the basics.

 

[mamachick]

I do better for a couple of days, and then worse again. I just cant stand it. I can see I am doing things for all the wrong reasons. I have to hold in pain if I am around others until I think Im going to burst. At least alone I dont have to pretend I guess. I have not been able to afford to go to therapy anymore. That is my own fault though.

Something I do not hear many talk about is an addiction that goes along with ptsd. I have learned to escape to gambling. When I dont have enough to get through the month, I go gamble and then usually have nothing. I know how stupid it sounds but it feels like comfort at the time. I guess it feels like its the only chance of something good happening to me-but it never does either. I never did this until 2-3 yrs ago. I was always to thrifty. Im not afraid when I am there-there are cameras everywhere. I feel very sick and ashamed.

Maybe it causes me to worry about money and takes focus off other symptoms. I feel like I have no control over my life in any way. I have read that ptsd leads to addiction but I must be one of the few and I have never heard anyone get addicted to gambling.