Supporter Total Loss

[deerchick]

My husband of 29 years left me 3 weeks ago to go live closer to his "family" in Michigan. He was diagnosed with PTSD about 7 years ago, but I probably should have recognized it sooner: He was moody and withdrawn, and finally, he was mean. He would laugh at me with a laugh that cut right through me. In the mornings, I would lie in bed and wait to see how many outbursts he would have by the time he reached the bathroom. That would pretty much tell me what my day would be like. It got to where he would sleep most of the day, then go to bed very early. I moved to the sofa to get away of the constant anger.

It looks like he was planning this for awhile and I feel stupid for not seeing it coming. He had opened a bank account and was shopping online for real estate! His mother died in June. He had just visited her in May for a week. Then in August, he went back for a memorial and stayed 8 days. I think all of this triggered something in him. It feels like he just gave up on everything.

I still love him and wish I hadn't shut down. I wish I had done more to help him. I wish I could have broken through. I would still like to try, but now he is 2000 miles away. When he walked out, he took half of my life with him, and he took half of me. I am at a total loss.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

I'm sorry you are really sad. What you wrote about your husband being mean and cutting through you is nothing you deserve. I'm sorta going through the same thing but I'm letting my husband go although deep inside of me fear and love keeps me attached to him. I know it is for the best, and you probably know that as well. Hang in there and really take care of yourself.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

You can't help him. He has to help himself, you have to help yourself.

 

[nursenurse]

It just sucks big time. I understand what a heavy heart you have, but do not blame yourself. He has to want to help himself, you cannot make him do this. I hope you are seeking out some counselling to help make some sense of this for you. He has made his mark in the sand. Take your time to grieve, you don't just get over this kind of rejection in a short period of time. It sounds like things had not been right for quite awhile, and who would not shut down in the face of constant anger? Some of us would have left first!!!

Let him be and find himself. Make life for yourself. You can be happy again. I removed myself from an unhappy, angry 21 year marriage, and it was a good decision. Not living on tenterhooks, not wondering when the next argument or insult would be flung my way, no name calling, I began to relish this time on my own. It's not worth it to love or be loved at all costs, when you lose yourself and are not treated as a human being. Hugs to you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Deerchick,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

I am sorry that you are hurting so badly right now, but you really cannot blame yourself for his leaving. When a person has PTSD, it is really up to them to take responsibility for their own healing and to seek the help and do the work necessary to make it better. As a spouse, you can be there to support, but without communication, it is nearly impossible to know what another person is thinking, what they need or what they want.

There is a section here for supporters where you will find information, and most importantly support for yourself. Unfortunately, it is not unusual to have a spouse with PTSD just leave, but I hope you can find some peace for yourself.

Take care.

Debbie