Totally Lost My Ability To Look After Myself

[NatBird]

Hello
Just wondered if anyone else had gone through this process and what helped you to move through it?
For the last 3 years I've got progressively worse in my ability to cope. I'm in major self neglect; walking around with holes in my shoes, living in a flat with decomposing food and mess everywhere. I have no energy to sort it. Problem is it's a major trigger.
I no longer work; anxiety, inner critic and flashbacks put that to an end.
The only area I just about function is my creativity.
I've started to put some structured activity into my days, in the hope of getting energy, building good feels to mitivate me but this wipes me out and I don't have energy for much else.
I'm really scared that things are just going to continue to get worse. I know I need to help myself but mostly I'm unable to right now.

 

[Friday]

When I stop being able to function I have to massively simplify.

This generally means I have no more in play than can fit in a backpack. 2 sets of clothes; 1 set on me, 1 set to be washed. 1 set of dishes (plate, cup, fork, knife) & 1 pan. Etc. But not very much etc.

At my worst I have simply walked away from my life. Sometimes without even a backpack, regardless of whether I have money or not (with money is bliss, hello hotels, and buying desired things as wanted), no money means I'm going to be hungry for awhile. I just have to be gone. Away from stuff, and things, and everything that just makes me screw my eyes shut, & blood boil, & mind melt, & shut down. Nothing -or very little- has intrinsic value or use in my head when I get like this. I've equated it, sometimes, to a house fire. House goes up in flames? What do you grab? Almost nothing. If you have time -at least in theory- a few things, maybe. But in survival mode? Haul ass or die screaming? There just isn't that much in life that is really that important.

Knowing that I get that bad... I take major steps to pare down my life as much as possible when I feel it coming on. I don't try to live a "normal" life when I'm like this, it's less than pointless, the stress of it will send me walking away from my home/life with what I've got on my back. I don't want that. So I "create" that in situ. Everything gets washed & put away ... And stays there. Whether it's a suitcase, or a backpack, or whatever... The things I'm actually using? Stay out. And that's it. Everything else gets locked away. Out of sight & out of mind. To the point that if I'm in a big house? I may (clean first & then) close off the entire house except for the kitchen, and move my bed down there. The one set of dishes & foods I'm using to be on the counter (or the empty fridge) while the cupboards are essentially duct taped. Or if I'm living in a crackerbox? I can and have boxed everything up, or moved everything to one corner and placed a drop cloth over. "Stuff" is my enemy.

Wide open spaces. Clear line of sight. Exceptionally limited areas of responsibility.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a mental symptom of massive exhaustion. Its like a "herion addict face on lap after 5 cups of coffee" kind. Sorry, no offense intented, just the only way to discribe it. I think that would be the low energy. No medical cause and getting medical causes out of the picture, if you havent yet, is very important as medical issues can cause this.

I do work but on days i have to work i do what i call "bull throught it", like a bull with horns pushing my way through the day. Its even more exhausting and depression to live my life as such but i have no choice.

Absoultely my personal health and living conditions have suffered. That and chronic pain. But what i did when i was alone for 2 weeks was snatch those curtins open and get sunlight in and saw the first mess and threw all my engery into it and as i get going i pick up momentum.

I honestly dont know if this helps but you are in no way alone with this! :hug:

 

[NatBird]

When I stop being able to function I have to massively simplify.

Thanks for the response FridayJones.

That sounds like a great approach.

At this stage in the game, it will take a whole lot of energy to organise and streamline as you mentioned, as said the place is a bin and I don't have energy.
I'm going to give something a go in 20 minutes, for 20 mins, that's the deal. It feels so ridiculous I need to do this, that I'm saying/writing this...

Anyway, thanks Friday. If I get through this shite then yes, minium is the way to go.

 

[digger]

I have to dial my expectations of myself right back when I get like this, and try and allow myself to feel that even tiny things are achievements. For example, if getting dressed feels hugely difficult right now, then I'm allowed to view that as an achievement, even if it's something that other people do without thinking. Apply that to anything that is feeling hard to do. This is one of the things I have noticed most for myself that feeds the cycle - I can't do the thing. I get down on myself for not being able to do the thing because the thing is not difficult. Anybody else could do the thing without even thinking about it. Why can't I do the thing. I'm crap because I can't do the thing. And now the thing is even more difficult because I'm feeling so crap about not being able to do it etc etc
The thing becomes bigger and bigger, and actually what I need to do in these situations is keep things really f*cking small. Looking at allthemess - way too big, way too overwhelming. Putting one thing in a bin bag, shredding one piece of paper, moving one potential of clothing to the washer <<<that's one thing that wasn't in a bin bag before, one piece of paper shredded etc

I set myself very small and realistic goals. Break things down. Room needs cleaning? Too big. Break it down into smaller jobs, as small as possible, and don't expect more from yourself than one thing at a time (often once I get started, I find I can do more, but I don't expect that. Starting is often the hardest part for me) so with 'room needs cleaning' I might start as small as 'locate the f*cking binbags' (swearing is optional ;))

Try to keep bringing your focus back to achieving the small things over beating yourself up over the bigger things.

 

[NatBird]

I have a mental symptom of massive exhaustion. Its like a "herion addict face on lap after 5...

Hi lostforgottensoul thanks for the response and the image. That is exactly it!

The medical issues tend to flare when I'm feeling stress and self hatred. Auto immune disease, in my experience/opinion is all about the latter. It's been quite good lately. Feels like how you described, just mentally and emotionally wiped. It's been years and this is what worries me.

I do the 'bull' thing too. It just wipes me out even more and creates more 'bull'. People see me do things outside ie my creativity and think that I must be okay to highly functioning. I'M NOT.

To know others identify always helps a bit. It reduces the isolation. Thanks again.

 

[Rani G2]

@NatBird:

I think I can empathize with what you are going through. Around 2008 I wasnt able to leave the house for a few weeks, due to severe Depression. I had this fatigue symptoms . My support was my mother, so I was safe in a way, even now I have these memories where I used to stay in that tiny apartment, sleeping in a tiny room eating fast food.

It took me a two year therapy to get out of that mode.

 

[Friday]

At this stage in the game, it will take a whole lot of energy to organise and streamline as you mentioned, as said the place is a bin and I don't have energy.

Different things work for different people. :)

I think you misunderstood, or I miscommunicated, though. The point is NOT to make yourself responsible for the whole durn flat.

Grab a bag. Put in it 1 change of clothes, 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 spoon, 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 cup, 1 pan, 1 towel, 1 shampoo bottle, deodorant, toothbrush. You're done. What's in that bag? That's all you're responsible for. If that's too much? Pare it down, more.

Everything else? Not your responsibility. Not until it can be. The only things you're responsible for are what's in the bag.

As you feel better? Add something else to the bag, or recycle all the pizza boxes. Or whatever you feel like you can do in that moment. But with just those items in the bag? You can live for years clean & fed & presentable.

***
Again, different things work for different people. The above is just to clarify what I think I screwed up explaining.

 

[Crow]

@FridayJones thanks so much. I didn't realize it but I've been doing something similar I guess on instinct.

Appreciate this thread!

 

[Sandstone]

I'm going to give something a go in 20 minutes, for 20 mins, that's the deal. It feels so ridiculous I need to do this, that I'm saying/writing this...

When things are bad for me, 20 minutes is wholly out of reach. My clockwork timer is my friend if I set it for 5 minutes. It is surprising how much impact you can have in that long.

I never aim for more than 30 minutes of anything, (except mindless TV). I find that if I pull myself away from an activity that often, it stops me getting into a tunnel vision where I can't see anything properly.

Let us know how you get on, so we can cheer you on.

 

[NatBird]

I have to dial my expectations of myself right back when I get like this, and try and allow myself to fe...

Hello Digger:)

This is sooooo helpful. In fact I read it and thought yes I can just get up. Then I did. Then I said, I can just put a few things in the bin. Since then I have cleared the bedroom, hallway and kitchen enough to let the guy come in and not feel total embarassment about the filth. THANK YOU SO MUCH. This is great because now I would have done two things to help improve my living spacing - the clearing and letting the guy come by to work out how he can help me decorate. Seriously, many blessings to you for that.

 

[NatBird]

Different things work for different people. :)

I think you misunderstood, or I miscommunicated, th...

Cheers FridayJones.
I think I misunderstood a bit. Thanks for atking the time to explain again.
You and Digger just really helped me out on a level you can't imagine.
I started to do one thing at a time and have cleared the space I need. I've also just got a bag together with the clothes that I want to wear to keep things contained as you suggeated. I just need to wash them.

Thanks again.

I think sometimes this is all I need. Just a bit of guidance and encouragement. Then this voice tells me I should be able to generate this internally and not be dependent. 'Should' letting me know it's likely BS but I still get a little sucked down the plughole.