Totally Screwed Up

[Brontie]

I agree PSTD isn’t always to blame. But if you suffer from it, it definitely plays a big part in what you are looking for in a relationship. I think for those of us who have been hurt at whatever age, we make lists of what we will and what we won’t put up with because we feel we have suffered enough. It kinda narrows the field when it come to forging a relationship with another person. But all said and done, we have to protect ourselves.

 

[Sethe]

maybe it's because as we learn what it really means... its harder to commit to it? The trust thing is huge, so before when it didn't mean I had to trust anyone it was no big deal but now I'm afraid it's a lie because I don't trust people like they expect or think I do.

hmm

It's easy to get hurt in a relationship. Most of us were hurt as kids by family (who were supposed to protect us). Why would we go looking outside the family to strangers who could also hurt us?

I think it's a learned response.

People = potential pain- stay away.

 

[Sethe]

I agree PSTD isn’t always to blame. But if you suffer from it, it definitely plays a big part in what you are looking for in a relationship. I think for those of us who have been hurt at whatever age, we make lists of what we will and what we won’t put up with because we feel we have suffered enough. It kinda narrows the field when it come to forging a relationship with another person. But all said and done, we have to protect ourselves.

I think we seek in partners what we know.

Example: If you grew up with narcissistic parents, then you may think it's normal to be with a person who treats you similarly.

We seek what we know.

Therapy educates and enlightens us to seek what we deserve- mutual respect.

Most of us were taught that we didn't deserve to lick the shit off the bottom of someone's shoes.

That's my theory anyway.

 

[Innordinate]

I never felt love until I had my first son. I felt it and I was overwhelmed by it. Truth is, I didn’t know what it was that I was feeling.

It doesn’t matter how many times you say it if the other person doesn’t feel it. Small acts of kindness say it better than we can. Hugs and cuddles, smiles, small gifts and small card, and doing the washing up occasionally says it so much better than we can. Actions do speak louder than words.

I say I love my kids otherwise people look at you like you're the most horrible person in the world. It's probably the worst thing you could do, they figure, not to love your kids. :rolleyes:
I know the concept of love, I know how its supposed to work but I don't have the feel for it. I can even do some of the actions of it, like the gifts etc but it's a total conscious effort on my part. It's not an automatic thing, like my wife will just randomly hug or hold hands or whatever. My actions are completely planned out first. I think people can 'see' that so even those acts come off as a lie.
After figuring out what I always thought was love isn't really love it makes it hard to say it. I still relate it to using people and I don't want it to mean that I'm using people........ ?

Okay. I'm more confused again now than I was when I started writing this. Compeletely took a different path than I expected. Urgh.

 

[Lucycat]

I have been there too.
What is love? Do I love? Am I loved?

Round and round in circles.
I just accept these are part of my PTSD and I feel differently about it on different days. No consistency but a lot of self-doubt.