General Tough Week.

[JS786]

Things over the last week have been not so great. Not just in terms of being a carer.

• For one, my "best friend" and I got into a huge fight that she thinks is about my guy, but it's so so so much more than that. Basically we're not speaking to each other (except for a short conversation on Saturday).

• Secondly, my guy is finding out today if/when he's leaving for 6-8 weeks for a PTSD clinic (that is, if he goes to his appointment. It wouldnt surprise me if he canceled it). He'll barely talk to me, won't see me.. he told me on Saturday that he's going to try to get a program closer to where we live so we dont have to be so far way. He was being distant when I talked to him yesterday. We had plans on Friday that fell through because he had to go to his Mom's house, and he went out with his boys on Saturday which was whatever since we didnt make plans anyway... I thought for sure I'd be able to see him last night before his appointment today (we usually spend Sunday nights together)... but he decided "Nah I just like having time to myself once in a while." I told him I just get nervous that he's going to get distant and push me away again (in term of him being scared of our relationship, not related to his PTSD), and I dont like feeling like I always said or did something wrong and I just wish he'd tell me he wanted some time to himself. Is it a PTSD thing that he can't verbalize that? Or just a guy thing in general? My older brother said "Girls say, 'Hey all you need to do is tell me you need space and it's okay,' and guys hear, 'All you need to do is tell me you need space and I'll be mad and yell at you.'" :laugh: I guess I'm just sad because last time I saw him I was so so so mean to him. I was in a bad mood and no matter what he said to try to cheer me up just made me in a worse mood. I usually try not to bog him down with my petty stressors and whatnot, but for some reason on Thursday they just consumed me (this was also the day he told me he would probably be leaving soon)

• Third, my job. I do the work of 2-3 people, for less money than anyone else in this company gets paid (except maybe the intern..) I've been here almost 3 years, only had one raise, no room for growth and I just feel stuck. I'm miserable, I spend most of my time wishing I could get the hell out of here and came to my wits end on Friday when I almost walked out. To make matters worse, my boss is on vacation this week so I'm having to deal with that on top of everything else. Which leads me to...

• Four, which is job hunting. I havent looked for a full-time job in over 2 years. I'm out of my element, dont know what I'm qualified for, lost as to where to look.

• Five, Therapy. I started to look for a therapist today to help with my anxiety and OCD. That's just a lot more added stress of having to sit down with a person I dont know and say, "I have problems" and trying to work through them. I'm scared.

I'm taking the advice of many I have encountered here and trying to take things day by day and trying to do things that *I* enjoy so as not to let the stress consume me. I tried having a Harry Potter Movie Marathon (Took almost all day Saturday and most of Sunday.. but I got halfway through Order of the Phoenix). Last night I took myself shopping for a bit and to visit some coworkers, and today I got dressed up for work to try to cheer myself up (I even put on sassy undergarments!)... but I just can't snap out of this funk. The weather doesnt help. It's rainy rainy rainy and it's due to continue this way until Wednesday.

Ugh, I always feel so whiny when I come here to vent.. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be strong. I'm a strong person, there's no doubt about that... but this last week and into this week has been extremely trying on me and my patience.

Hug, please?

-JS

 

[BigBear]

Definitely HUGS

(((((((((( Big Bear Hugs for JS ))))))))))

Bear

 

[JS786]

Thanks, Bear. I appreciate it. :)

 

[Army_Brat_88]

I've been here almost 3 years, only had one raise, no room for growth and I just feel stuck. I'm miserable, I spend most of my time wishing I could get the hell out of here and came to my wits end on Friday when I almost walked out.

JS :D Are you my twin? I'm not making this up when I say the following: Every morning I yell in my car "GOD GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG????????" I've yelled that for 2 years now and it's not changing. Well, only thing changing is my hate for my job. The people are ok, but when I thought I was going to move when my guy came home, I was thrilled that it was signaling the end of that place. Now, not so much. I know we should be greatful, but there's just a point, right? I live in a major metropolitan city that I've wanted to give the boot now for years, and I'm trapped like a caged animal :mad: I'm currently looking for a job, and it was *supposed* to be near where my guy was stationed, but now that I have the whole country as an option, I'm overwhelmed almost. All I know is that that city is no longer an option in my book - that's MY choice, even though at one time he was excited about it. That card is no longer on the table thanks to him.

But read our other thread again - your situation with your guy isn't anything different than what some of us have experienced. I know, that's TERRIBLE "advice" right?!!! :) I'm sad for you and your bff, but that's the worst part about this in terms of friends - our friends think that these guys are just bs-ing us, or leading us on, or making it up, whatever, and we should move on, then we exhaust ourselves trying to defend them (and ourselves). However, it's like anything else if you don't have experience with it from your own life, it's hard to relate fully, and then we get advice based on outside perspectives - however, that *could* be a good thing at times though.

I really hope your guy goes to his appt, but don't be surprised though if he doesn't. I've heard/read where the guys don't - and that *could* compound to his already complex emotions thereby withdrawing from you more cuz he doesn't want to tell you he's not going... etc. Sigh. Why do things have to be so difficult?! :confused:

You're supposed to come here whiney and venting though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You do it here so that you don't go outside and do it to others around you who then will flee when they see you approaching. :p We get to appear "normal" to those around us, and use this great site where we can go "#$()*&Q@#()$&)(*#&%$()*&#%()*&#%()*&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[IvyMillie]

You've had alot of things happen that weren't so great. No wonder you feel terrible. When it rains it pours--and as you said it's really raining.

I suppose alot will depend on whether he goes to get help or not. That might help him alot and help your relationship.

I feel bad for you as it is hard to tell if he is distant from you because of just being a guy or his PTSD. That must be really hard and make you feel very unsure of where you stand.

JS and ArmyBrat I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time with your jobs. I hope you can find a better job. If you are a good worker it does seem like people take advantage of you. Nowadays, people are harder to deal with. So I hope you both can find a better situation.

 

[JS786]

Army_Brat -

You're right, I needed to read through the other thread, I guess because things had been so amazing in the last week that I was in a dream world for a bit and I forgot that when its bad, it can be really bad. And I need to keep reminding myself of the fact that his isolation isnt anything I havent dealt with before. He's going to try to get help.. and when we discussed it the other day he told me there was a good chance he'd get put on a waiting list and he wouldnt have to go for a while, or he could go to his therapist and leave this week. I think he will go to his appointment. We talked about it on Thursday, he was the one who called his therapist to make the appointment, and we talked about it again Saturday and mentioned it really quick yesterday. It least.. I hope he'll go to his appointment. I wish there was a way for me to force him to go, but if anything that would have an adverse effect.

My job is the pits, I hate it. It randomly fell into my lap when I was laid off from another company and I just never left. The people are nice (for the most part) and they give me free tickets to baseball games (one is a day game on Wednesday and the president of the company just called me and told me to take the whole day off, paid) but overall I just dont care about my work, my job, or anything pertaining to this place.

When it comes to my best friend, it's mostly her telling me what my relationship "should" be. I fell for my guy hard and fast, it was like I walked over an icy patch in a snow storm and boom: I was toast, head over heels. But she informed me I shouldnt be in love with him yet because it'd only been a month. Him and I get into disagreements (I dont like to say "fights" because it seems so malicious), and she'll tell me, "You guys shouldnt be fighting this much already," or when I mention I dont care if I wear sweatpants to his house she tells me, "You shouldnt be that comfortable with each other yet." I feel like I just want to rage out on her and scream, "Well people shouldnt to go to war and get shot at and bombed at and come home with night terrors, and crying out in their sleeping and afraid to be in groups of people they dont know and taking 10-12 different medications a day just to exist!!!" (And an added dig that she "shouldnt" still be doing the horizonal la la dance with her ex-boyfriend. :whistling: Sorry, that was mean.. but true)

In July when I thought my guy and I were splitting up because he was going to head to a 6-month PTSD program, I called her sobbing, completely broken and helpless to no answer. She *txted* me back asking what was wrong, I told her what was happening and that he wasn't going to the wedding the next weekend (I was in a friends wedding) and her only reply was, "You should invite S to the wedding!" And when I told her no, I didnt want to take anyone else to the wedding with me she just said, "Well maybe the two of you just aren't meant to be together." She's mad because I havent introduced him to her (and also mad that he's not chomping at the bit to meet her.. I'm sorry, he has other worries besides meeting my less than supportive "best friend"... and honestly, how many guys do you know CANT WAIT to meet all of your friends? None that *I* know). I just dont think its the right time and she thinks I'm making excuses for him. They're not excuses, they're real life. She doesnt "get it" and she doesnt *try* to "get it." There are some other issues with our friendship, but my relationship is the catalyst for her b**ching at me.

My hope for today is that my guy will go to his appointment and that I see him when I get out of work... if that doesnt happen I'll practice my audition song (audition tomorrow at 6:30 for a community theatre musical), and then continue the Harry Potter Movie Marathon.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Well J - this damned PTSD stuff is a day-by-day thing. So just wait to see if he's gone through with his appt. If he has, you'll have a better idea on things. If he doesn't - you may have a better idea of things too!

 

[JS786]

You're absolutely. I wont know anything until he talks to me; just having a rough day and needed to vent. :coffee:

I'm actually feeling much better now.. funny how that works. :)

-JS

 

[JS786]

Update -

My guy will be having an interview with the VA hospital on Thursday and after that he likely leaves "the following Monday." If all goes according to plan, he will be leaving a week from yesterday. :(

Lucky for me the location they chose is about 30 miles outside my brother's house (about 2 hours from where I live), so I could go out to visit on Friday, drive down on Satursday to see him, and come home on Sunday. I dont know if they allow visitors, but if they do I will be making plans to go out to spend a few weekends with my brother, sister in law, and nieces and to visit my guy.

I'm at peace (for now.. until I have to say goodbye on Sunday/Monday, I'm sure, hah). It'll be good for him to get away from his friends (none of which are very good influences on him), get working on himself and when he comes back we will be stronger than ever. I have terrible handwriting, but I'll write letters.. and hopefully my audition this evening will work in my favor and I'll be busy with rehearsals while he's gone anyway.

I'm selfish and want him to stay.. but I know it's best for him to go. We'll be OK. :inlove:

-JS

 

[amethist]

Hang in there JS, you know this is the best way to go, and you always have us here for your own support.

 

[JS786]

Thank you, Amethist. I'm trying my hardest, I know it's the best way to go and what is best for our relationship.

Thinking positive.
Thinking positive.
Thinking positive. :barefoot:
(Being barefoot helps. :))