Toxic family members - at my breaking point

[ladee]

I went no contact with my family at least 15 yrs ago. No problem. No regrets. The hardest was going no contact with my son. It's a long story, but it was really in both our best interest for a space to be created. I could no longer play the role of 'target' for his unhappy life. And he shouldn't have been expected to play the role of the loving son, per my delusional thinking. It was a horrible painful ugly dance. I love him. I miss him every day. But loving someone does not mean they can or should be in my life.

I just recently put an end to a 35+ year 'friendship', that was no longer that. It took me a long time to make the choice with my son and my ex-friend. I tried the boundary/communication thing for years. Wanting to explore all possibilities before I walked away.

But if I haven't learned anything else on this journey, I know love is not supposed to hurt. I'm not talking about the occasional human experiences of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I shouldn't have to feel that I have to recuperate after being with someone. I took my time. I have no regrets about my choice to walk away. I deserve to not be hurt by 'love'.

 

[Deanna]

My real mother is very violent. At one time she beat us black-n-blue on a regular basis. We were in the way. She is a schizophrenic who never completed treatment. She loves to be alone.I can't forgive her. I can't get close to her. I can for a minute and my brain shuts down. A definet no. I take a lot of medication and I don't miss her. I feel mother-less but its okay now. My step mom claimed me right before she died, so that was my mom. She was real sharp. My real mother - not so much.

To the OP... Your sister freaked after she realized she was 4 hours from her house and couldn't get away. But that is no way to treat u. Defineatly her problem. I'm very sorry.

 

[Sideways]

Your sister freaked after she realized she was 4 hours from her house and couldn't get away

Or possibly because she knew she had to go home. Potentially just as scary for her, and definitely something that could trigger abandonment issues and a meltdown.

 

[Bird33]

@ThisLifeIsBeautiful i’m so sorry you are dealing with this. No decision really is a great one, both sound like they will be difficult. I don’t usually post to much but I just wanted to say listen to the points you are telling me bc they are spot on. First of all I would listen to your gut feeling on this and second of all no decision has to be final. You can take a break and change your mind later.

 

[Tinyflame]

A balance that honors compassion and understanding to her, and to yourself, also.

 

[HealingMama]

I am low contact with my mother. She's become less abusive in recent years because the power differential changed. But it is still triggering to talk to her and I am a better person limiting that contact. She is a narcissist so I can't really do boundaries with her the normal way unfortunately.

You have a right to draw whatever lines you need to with people, including toxic people, including toxic family.

I think maybe you can make a decision for now, and it doesn't have to be a forever decision. I began low contact accidentally and suddenly realized my overall health was better. So I've kept it. I didn't tell her anything. I'm just busy, or sick, or I call right before I am going to be at work or picking up a kid or at a scheduled appointment so there's never an open ended opportunity. I send pictures. I know that she can't help who she is maybe? I also know that she hurt me a lot. I try to show her what I feel I can, but know better than to get close.

I am sure your sister really hates getting like that. I don't say that to make you feel pity or anything.

You have every right to set the terms for what you are willing to do and not do. If you feel better writing her off for good, then do that. If you want it to just be for now, then do that. You have a right to exist and to navigate your life as you see fit.

I would strongly suggest not going the route of "I'm cutting you off and here's why" but more the indirect approach like what I have been doing with my own mother. It will save you some drama to just be busy or have a special work thing or whatever will work in your own life.

 

[Cypress]

her acting out? Is directly proportionate to how much she fears being abandoned by

This is the root of her acting out. BPD is a hard illness for everyone. My daughter has BPD and it has been a rough road until recently. I got a lot of help from a forum called BPD family. There is a subforum for siblings too. I also participated in Family Connections and that made a huge difference in our ability to relate. Your mother and your family should really try to go to one of their training programs.

The most effective thing we learned was to ignore the emotion and name the underlying issue. Saying she's going home = I'm scared about treatment. Ignore the words and say you must be scared about treatment. It actually works. Good luck!