Training

[Adam F.]

So I found out this morning that I will be training a Police Recruit that just graduated yesterday. I knew that this would come eventually when I volunteered to be a Field Training Officer nearly 2 years ago.

The issue now is that I'm so aware of my own issues and struggles, that I'm afraid of showing that side to a brand new officer.

My supervisors are aware of my personal issues and both support me to no end.

It just really freaks me out and raises my anxiety, knowing that I hold the future of one of my brothers in Blue, in my hands.

I know that I can do the job and do it well but at the same time, how can I possibly do this with the ever growing feeling of fear of screwing up and getting him hurt or worse.

The new officer starts on Monday so I have 2 days to mentally and physically prepare myself for the next 4 months.

I just really hope that I can put aside my issues long enough each day to get him and myself home safely and back to our families.

 

[Friday]

It may not work out for you the same way... But teaching others is one of the things that hands down helps me the most.

- I have to break shit down simple for them... Things I do by rote, knowing why in my blood, I have to verbalize. It helps with clarity & succintifying my own mind. Lays in solid support to my own basics. Freaking clarity.

- Slow is smooth, smooth is fast, fast is lethal... OMFG. Slowing things down for newbies? Slows me down, too. That's aggravating as hell when I'm running on all 8 cylinders, but when I'm gimping along? Slowing things down lets me be fast again.

- I get to use my hypervig to good purpose... Which is ultimately relaxing. Starts downgrading my hypervig to pure vigilance, where it's f*cking useful again, and I can depend on my instincts instead of constantly having to do it cognitively. That's where they're coming from in the beginning (having to do everything cognitively), and we kind of end up meeting in the middle. Both solid. Acting in the right way because it's the right way. Without thought having to enter into the picture slowing shit down, at all.

- I have a very good reason to be all :banghead: At the end of the day! LOL... Which generally prompts a lot of laughter & commiseration from others (not to mention a little bit of competitive moto & tail twisting). It really helps retrain my own response to stress.

- Gandhi Up / Be the change you want to see in the world... Having to model the person I want them to be? Makes me a helluva lot more solid in who I am, regardless of who they shape into.

I always get a helluva lot more out of teaching than I put in. Doesn't always feel that way in the moment (walk. into. this.), but as every stage passes? Whether it's coworkers or my own kids? The act of living the training I'm giving them makes me much stronger than when I started.*

* There are, just to be brutally honest, times when this isn't the case. When it is one more f*cking thing and I cannot handle it. Doesn't sound like that's where you're at right now. Aware of the possibility is damn good, let's you pace yourself & bleed stress on purpose. A little fear is good. Let's you know there might be a problem, wakes you up, keeps you sharp. Too much fear? Makes you move too fast. Things get missed. Mistakes happen that you don't see, and can't think to fix. But a little fear? A little fear is a damn good thing, IME.

<grin> & Congrats, man! :D

 

[Adam F.]

Thank you Friday. That really puts it into perspective for me. I actually felt a lot better about yesterday after meeting the probe officer that I will be training. I think Getting back to the basics for his sake, it's going to help put my mind to ease.