Sexual Assault Trauma bonding

[theunistudent]

Hi ,
I was wondering if any of you guys out there handle this,
Part of what happened to me after the event as i was in some sort of twisted relationship with the guy, I stayed because I was scared of leaving ( the things i feared happening after leaving have all pretty much happened) but between the initial event and me leaving was 3 weeks and so from the event to 3 weeks , things continued to happen. By the end of the that 3 weeks and felt so emptied , destroyed and worthless as a person and just did whatever to avoid being forced into it/ reduce the pain it would cause me. By the end I just tossed aside my morals and did whatever. I have been told this was a type of trauma bonding and it was a coping skill.

What I really struggle with is the guilt associated with it, i feel guilty for doing these things and I feel christian guilt for going against my morals/ beliefs and some times i just feel paralysed by the guilt and that overwhelming feeling of brokeness, worthlessness , an object rather than a person and I just don't know how to cope/ accept that these things happened

 

[blueangel371115]

You were manipulated and abused by someone. It's not your fault. They twisted your feelings to their own ends. It will take time but

Talking about it helps. But the fault is theirs, not yours.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Yes... I didn't stay initially/we weren't a couple. But a month later I was "late." I went to talk to him and he said this whole "If you are, I will marry you. I 'believe' in family." At this point, I had already blocked most of the memory of what really happened that night out. Anyway, his response and sober kindness and my new found "not caring" involved me having sex with him, unknowingly while his roommate watched. Followed by a series of harassment. Not my finest moment/life experience.

 

[blueangel371115]

Ah, I see. I had a similar situation. You're aren't alone.

 

[theunistudent]

Thank you guys for your replies , It's such a hard one to get my head around. How in the end I was just so numb and dissociative and just everything i believed and valued went out the window and that feeling of just being reduced to a piece of property and wanting it to end but not knowing how. The guilt of it is just so heavy to carry.

 

[anonymous]

I felt like it was my fault when it was happening and I couldn't get away, because of the mental coercion. But, once I finally got away I started somewhat processing it and I still am clueless as to how I survived it all. Many different parts were traumatized and that's partly why I wasn't able to process what was happening. The more I process, the more I understand. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so strong, because if I would have gotten out of there sooner maybe it wouldn't have caused me so much damage.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I had never heard the term "trauma bonding" before but, the concept/situation you described I can really relate to. Being in a vulnerable position sexually and feeling so devalued and feeling that you are pushed, forced, etc into doing anything you don't want to can make you feel very out of control. Due to me being in some similar situations despite my Christian upbringing I started throwing my morals out the window as well in order to gain a sense of control. I felt if I was initiating/agreeing to anything it was much better and it made me feel more control rather than in that vulnerable position that I absolutely dread being in. I am just now realizing this is the reason for my previous promiscuity-this is something I am only really beginning to work through.