Trauma Clinic Assessment

[seedling]

NH - I think I've felt all of these feelings at some of my sessions. Esp. in the beginning, but they still get me now too.

Give it time, it's still so early. It will take time to really feel and know that this guy is on your side and it's OK.

I've started to see more clearly that I can take it in very small steps. It's easier to handle that way and still function afterwards. Just think how patient we will all be by the time we are done with this (whenever that is?).

Just go and do whatever you do.

 

[Nighthawk]

Went to the Trauma T today week 8 how time does pass even when days can seem so long. I told the TT that he is my terrorpist today. That the challenges are and have extreme depressive results for days. I am fighting each week just to go get through sessions. I told him I know he thinks my thought process is off kilter and he asked what evidence I had. Ok all of this is done in the most kind and calm way as possible it just does not interpret the same way. He said this is all going to be very hard until I can learn to feel. Comfortable is not going to be very helpful, I know he is right. I get so twisted from T.

Thanks for the vent

NH

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Nighthawlk))))

 

[seedling]

I'm glad you could tell him what it's been like. Hold on.

 

[intothelight]

He said this is all going to be very hard until I can learn to feel. Comfortable is not going to be very helpful, I know he is right.

(((NH))),

Just remember, with feeling comes all of the good too. The ability to feel joy, love and happiness. Cling to that promise.

Deb

 

[Iam]

(((NH))) I am sorry it's so tough. I understand though. Even now a really tough session can send me reeling for days. Deb is right though learning and allowing yourself to feel isn't just about feeling pain, it is the joy and happiness too. My primary T says it's like a rubber band, the lower you can stretch it down the higher you can stretch it up. Scary stuff, but worth it. Once we can feel then we can learn how to accept and moderate our feelings. I don't know about you, but I really want to be able take joy in the smallest of things. You know, like appreciate the beauty of a sunset ;o)

 

[Nighthawk]

There is a part of me that feels that I fight this help with every ounce of my being. What is this? Is this denial in every way, of what I have become or what I have been for a very long time. How is it possible that I HATE myself to this degree.

Joy would be an amazing feeling. There are many I have not experienced in many years. When buying a soda while out is a challenge. I have thought that I am trying to gain some control although I feel the opposite outcome. I am convinced I am a monster I am so very scared of myself and what I may have hidden that I am not aware of.

I am guessing that Trauma therapy is working and without a doubt I will continue fighting for me to open the walls that have been built over years.I guess I want instant gratification but then again who would not want instant relief.

NH

 

[Iam]

There is a part of me that feels that I fight this help with every ounce of my being. What is this? Is this denial in every way, of what I have become or what I have been for a very long time. How is it possible that I HATE myself to this degree.

I guess the self hate we learned is so ingrained that it is hard to even believe that we deserve to be OK. Part of the fighting help for me has been fear of losing control in therapy, serious fear of just fading away with no hope of getting back. I think I have had enough success now that I'm no longer afraid that will happen, at least not to the intense degree I did before. And who wouldn't want to avoid the pain that therapy brings up? It's only natural instinct to fight against that. Unfortunately avoidance is not in our best interest at this point. We have to fight thru it. When I have a particularly rough session, my husband reminds me that means I am getting at the root of the problem and, like you said, that the therapy is working.

I am so proud of you for having such a strong commitment NH. You are doing really tough work and you are making amazing progress because of it. Keep it up NH, we're here to help support you thru it (((HUGS)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes NH, I'd be so proud. Really, I think that's so great for you. And your 'planting' - that's the 'future'

I know it wil be a good one for you.
((((NH))))

 

[Nighthawk]

Only question I have is how do I stop feeling the TT is mad at me or attacking me. Any ideas are welcome.

NH

 

[seedling]

Not sure if this helps, but right now I am doing a section on anger management that has me looking at irrational beliefs that lead to anger. (Like: "life should be fair," so when it's not, it triggers the anger).

Maybe you have an irrational belief that leads to you feeling that way about your TT. Like: if I open up I will be attacked, or, people will be mad at me if I express my feelings or thoughts. Maybe you can think about what it is that you believe about what you are doing/saying that might provoke this response in yourself.

Maybe you are projecting and unconsciously seeing him as someone else. I did this in therapy until I knew my T better and could see the ways he was different from my mother (he really did remind me of my mother). The more things I could see about his individual personality the easier it got. I would make a conscious mental note of these things when I noticed them.

However it's happening, it will get better with time. Be patient above all else, you'll figure it out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Nighthawlk))))

I did this. Funny how our T.'s 'change' as we get better. ;)

What I did was decide that I was NOT GOING TO CARE if my T. didn't like what I had to say...I was going to not put one ounce more of my limited energy on 'mindreading' since I clearly needed the help.

Now that I know him better, I do realize it wasn't anything he was or wasn't doing...doesn't make it easy, though.

Hope you're able to give yourself permission to say what you need to, regardless of what your T. feels or believes. :)

You're making great progress even realizing this dynamic is in play! Good for you!