Sufferer Trauma is blocking me, and I can't find any satisfaction in life. I feel as I've failed everything, cannot move forward with anything.

[LemoNadka]

Hello to All,
I'm new here and I really am stuck into my life. I feel as I've failed everything and I can't even go on forward to anything.
Trauma is blocking me for anything really and I can't find any satisfaction into any activity or things I would do in the everyday life. I join here to find people to discuss with and try to find a way to get out even a bit of this desperate struggle I think many of us are stuck in. So thanks anyway for who's took the time to read me.

 

[arfie]

hello lemo. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

yup, many of us are stuck in that god awful place you are describing. i, personally, feel like i have jumped those ruts of eternal despair, but pains and setbacks still happen. i have come to believe that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. yeah, it hurts, but i can still appreciate the beauty around me while healing happens. leaning on my therapy support network helps me find the way to more sustainable healing.

this very forum is one of the many nodes on my support network. i find that a network offers far more options than a single source. i hope this forum serves you as well as it has served me. welcome aboard.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome, and I get how you feel. Can't remember the last time I truly enjoyed anything without anxiety or in a hypomanic episode.

 

[LemoNadka]

It's just a relief to hear from people who feel the same ( I know it sounds a bit weird said like that) but huh, the outside people don't get it if we say it. They think we just have to do it and we will enjoy life better or if we don't love us first nobody can love us in return. These kind of sentences are getting so annoying to hear because these people have no idea how we struggle with that. How we hardly sleep, bite our nails even if it's painful and then ugly looking , how we struggle with food for ourselves. And how it is a real torture to imagine to go to a social event or anything, because in a way we want to go and be like anyone else, just to fit in. But then we've got our inside voice that tells is, there's no point to go, you won't fit in, you'll be the same weirdo nobody likes. Or people would pretend to , only to be polite or to pretend to be someone kind. And we've been already fooled by these lies before and how it hurts when you find out the truth it was. People use us, to get their guilt away, or because they need us to fill a gap for somehting but then, they never call you, they never invite you, or get the kindness you've been giving only for kindness and hope for a bit even a tiny bit in return yeah. A bit of like we never had until now.. but people won't. And then when we decide to stand up for ourselves and not accept anymore to be the carpet, people are making us be the bad guy and we take the blame. So for all this our inside voice is telling us to not bother anymore. ( if anyone feel what I'm writing like it's their stories too let me know, I would feel relived to not be alone and someone understands that horrible feeling )

 

[whiteraven]

It's just a relief to hear from people who feel the same ( I know it sounds a bit weird said like that) but huh, the outside people don't get it if we say it. They think we just have to do it and we will enjoy life better or if we don't love us first nobody can love us in return. These kind of sentences are getting so annoying to hear because these people have no idea how we struggle with that. How we hardly sleep, bite our nails even if it's painful and then ugly looking , how we struggle with food for ourselves. And how it is a real torture to imagine to go to a social event or anything, because in a way we want to go and be like anyone else, just to fit in. But then we've got our inside voice that tells is, there's no point to go, you won't fit in, you'll be the same weirdo nobody likes. Or people would pretend to , only to be polite or to pretend to be someone kind. And we've been already fooled by these lies before and how it hurts when you find out the truth it was. People use us, to get their guilt away, or because they need us to fill a gap for somehting but then, they never call you, they never invite you, or get the kindness you've been giving only for kindness and hope for a bit even a tiny bit in return yeah. A bit of like we never had until now.. but people won't. And then when we decide to stand up for ourselves and not accept anymore to be the carpet, people are making us be the bad guy and we take the blame. So for all this our inside voice is telling us to not bother anymore. ( if anyone feel what I'm writing like it's their stories too let me know, I would feel relived to not be alone and someone understands that horrible feeling )

Oh, this sounds very familiar! One of the things I'm gradually learning is that I need to separate what's expected of me from others (and society) and what is truly important to me. The trauma (and all the stuff that has come out of it) has told me all along that I *have* to be a certain way to be "normal." So yes, it's hard to be social (in any way, shape, or form), and I've always beaten myself up about that because I *should* be able to. But I'm starting to realize that all the times I was social years ago I was being fake. I HATE being social. I always have. And I'm not going to push myself (or beat myself up) anymore being something I'm inherently NOT.

I suspect most of us have similar feelings about people. It was people that hurt us, it's people that continue to say and do stupid things. I think we have to decide if we actually *want* to fit in or if we are trying to fit in because that's what's expected of us. For me, I decided (mostly) I didn't really care to fit in. Now, that's been kinda lonely, but that anxiety of trying to fit in is gone. I still struggle with "professional" people, and I am not sure that will ever be gone.

Anyhow, all that to say, I can relate, and sometimes it takes a good long while and lots of work to get to a point where you are comfortable with where you are and how other people are.

 

[LemoNadka]

I totally agree with what you're saying. My best wish right now is to go living around nature ! Not people ! I want calm and only animals around. Because I hate people too. They have hurted me since I was a child. And I didn't got a break until now. And somehow a part of me wish to fit in like you said for validation, for my patents I don't really know.. and sometimes it feels like a dream. Cause I really don't see myself as into a job, and dressing all like most women's of my age. There are only few people I love. And for friendship I hardly find anyone I would find interesting. I just found out about these forums, I had no idea, and I'm glad I've joined. Maybe what I'll say is Naïve, But my guess is we are more likely to have someone in our lives that share similar experiences. I've read in a book that people like us need someone to understand, what things we won't be able to fully do, or when sometimes we would need to be alone for a bit, or share a hobby or passion alone, and to me that sounds a very good idea so we would adjust better. But for people into the " normal or other life than ours " they would say its weird. Sometimes I think we have more and better qualities than them but because we struggle with self confidence and self esteem we just keep it for ourselves.. have a nice day

 

[whiteraven]

Wondering if you are currently seeing a therapis?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Yep, it's definitely helpful to find people are understand, most people don't get how mental illness can completely change the brain and some things we do are for protection even if it's 'crazy' in a way.

I can relate to the insomnia, anxiety and don't get me started on my relationship with food (or lack of ), don't bite my nails but have gritted my teeth a bit too hard and don't realise until it starts bleeding oof.

 

[Friday]

Such a prevalent theme in trauma & ptsd, it’s a whole symptom set in and of itself

Specifically CritD.

D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

1. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "no one can be trusted," "The world is completely dangerous," "My whole nervous system is permanently ruined").
3. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
4. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
6. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

The good news about that PTSD isn’t a static disorder, all its symptoms are possible to back doooooooown to either nil, or near enough as makes no nevermind! More on that below.

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Welcome to the community!

 

[LemoNadka]

Wondering if you are currently seeing a therapis?

I've been for years and still am yeah. That never changed a thing.

 

[mindfulnomad]

I have been feeling the same way. I've been researching psychedelics for trauma therapy and they sound really promising. I'm looking into an ayahuasca retreat but im not sure where to go! If anyone has any personal experience with psychedelic therapy for ptsd I'd love to hear about it!

 

[rockboingtoad]

Hello to All,
I'm new here and I really am stuck into my life. I feel as I've failed everything and I can't even go on forward to anything.
Trauma is blocking me for anything really and I can't find any satisfaction into any activity or things I would do in the everyday life. I join here to find people to discuss with and try to find a way to get out even a bit of this desperate struggle I think many of us are stuck in. So thanks anyway for who's took the time to read me.

I completely understand, it's a battle to get through. The important thing is to keep moving forward and not let the struggle control you. It's tough, but you're worth it. If you're open to it, psychedelics and meditation using marijuana has helped me tremendously, and there's currently studies and tests happening to have psychedelics used to treat ptsd/cptsd. It's promising work, and it really helped me check back in to reality.