General Treading Lightly? Hubby Moody

[Jen]

Hi everyone the thing I am having to deal with at the moment is that whatever I say to hubby he says I am snapping at him and talking to him like shit!
My God even my daughter says that he speaks to me like shit and why do I put up with it! :angry-fla
I have to put up with it as I am still recovering from an op and I ( we) need him to hang in there and run our business if he fell off the rails now we could end up in financial problems.
Talk about treading on egg shells even my parents felt like they had to be careful in how they brhaved around him. They came and looked after me for a couple of weels after op.
I am recovering slowly from major surgery he was so good when I first became sick but the novelty has worn off. :smile:
Jen

 

[anthony]

Jen, basically he is saying... "he's not coping as well as maybe he thinks he is with the extra stress and load." This isn't an excuse for him to avoid it, or negate it, simply the stress from getting out of bed in the morning, to being somewhere on time, to dealing with people all day, then coming home, etc etc etc.... is to much for his cup at present. He hasn't dealt with enough, nor healed enough to deal with this type of daily stress and then be personable at the end of the day. The issue also continues, it snowballs, day to day... as with those who don't have PTSD, sleep generally reduces a persons stress by morning and they are refreshed, though it doesn't work that way for a PTSD sufferer, likely they have reduced some, though built up or made up more over-night during their sleep.

 

[Jen]

Thanks Anthony
Yes I can see that he is having trouble handling it sometimes.
The thing is I have offered to him that we can get someone to go and help him at work a couple of days a week but he keeps insisting that he is ok!
He doesnt have to be there all the time. Is he refusing help thinking that he has failed?
Jen

 

[anthony]

Likely a bit of both Jen, a little failure because of PTSD, and pride. He doesn't want to admit defeat, he would rather go down in flames than accept he can't handle it. He needs to put pride in a locker and accept help when needed, he isn't capable as he may think he is, and he must accept this, not live in denial. I know I am not as capable as I once was in all aspects of life, and he must realize this is a fact with PTSD. Its not something that just goes away, it must be managed, and he is failing to do that by accepting help to lower his stress levels.

 

[Jen]

Thanks Anthony I suppose all I can do is tread lightly as we are arguing a lot at the moment. I am still recovering after the op and I cant help to much at the moment I think I just need to pull my head in and give it time. But keep an eye on him until I am capable of helping out.
Its weird you know when I became sick out of the blue in March he was brilliant you couldnt have asked for any more loving and support.
Now he doesnt even ask how I feel any more its seems to be its starting to go back to him being centred on himself like it was before?
Jen

 

[Kathy]

I am sorry this is happening now Jen. I well understand the "walking on eggshells" though my husband and I, considering that Evie is like our child rather than a partner, have more leverage and put up with much less of that nonsense. But with a spouse it is difficult no doubt, being spouses are equals, and you are between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to tire yourself, you are still recovering, and you also cannot afford to have the business suffer.

Now he doesnt even ask how I feel any more its seems to be its starting to go back to him being centred on himself like it was before?

Perhaps the "novelty" of you being ill is wearing off? Or he simply cannot handle it anymore? I am not certain. I only hope that you are able to hang in there for the remainder of this difficult time. You are in our thoughts.

 

[Jen]

Perhaps the "novelty" of you being ill is wearing off?

Hi Kathy thats what I think too! He doesnt have to look after me like he was at the start when I got sick!
I am about 75% recovered so I am coping.
But having less stress would help that is for sure and he is not helping there!
Thansk Jen

 

[Jim]

Bad situation for you no doubt Jen. Despise treading lightly myself. And. PTSD or not, some of us males can be stubborn re: helping with household tasks or caring for others. Myself, must admit, hate to do anything domestic. Always relieved when the wife is well again after being ill. However. Not an excuse by any means. Hope everything sorts itself out soon. Continue to take care of yourself best you can.

Jim.

 

[Jen]

Thanks Jim :hello:
sometimes when he does things I think that was definitely a man thing I cant blame PTSD for everything now can I?
Jen

 

[Kathy]

No you definitely can not blame everything on PTSD! We are always telling Evie this. The problem lies in trying to weed through what is PTSD and what is simply an excuse to behave badly, or manipulation. Unfortunately my husband and I have made errors in judgment on occasion, though I'd like to believe we are improving somewhat.

 

[Jen]

Thats it Kathy we have been married 25 years now both kids have moved out. So its just him and me now! Things have to get better hopefully they will when I am recovered. At the moment whenever I ask him something I have to think of how I am going to say it he gets the shits if I raise my voice!
The whole world is against him! After this long together I shouldnt have to be worried about how he is going to react all the time. Even when my parents were here looking after me they said he made them nervous with his attitude they werent sure how to say things either. That is crap to have to be like that around soemone all the time!!:mad:
Jen

 

[jods]

Hi Jen

Isn't the whole egg shell walking thing a huge drain. I know when I am in that mode I get tired just from thinking all the time.

Hmmm, I know this sounds silly but just thinking about the whole egg shell, thinking & how our stress levels increase also.
This is only a fraction of what it must feel like for our loved ones on a daily basis.
We are lucky in the fact that we can choose to find a way to turn off our thought pattern even if its only for an hour or so. (Going out for a walk, watch a movie, or go and do some physical activity, anything that is something only for you)
We take that ability for granted & forget that the things that are easy for us to do are no longer as easy for them.
I know this is something I forget about my hubby.

I am not perfect at all & I'm sure there are times my actions can cause hubby's cup to overflow at times.

Sorry to ramble....
Hope you are getting there & trying to do something for you to help you feel better about yourself. Gentle Hugs