Can hardly breathe right now, and my hands are shaking so much it's hard to type, but I'm hoping doing this will calm me down a little.
I've just had a call from the prosecutor on the trial related to my ex attacking me, and he's officially pleading not guilty to attempted murder. God, it scares me just to look at those words.
I had to talk to her about the events again, about him and his mental state, about our relationship, the circumstances around me leaving... everything. As I've said on here before, I remember every detail clearly, which is obviously going to be great for trial, but it's hideous for me personally.
Of course, the trial isn't going to focus on whether or not he attacked me - it's not a case of identity or anything like that. What it will be focusing on is his state of mind, whether he was a stable or unstable person, sane or insane at the time, capable of making the reasoned and rationed decision to kill me rather than acting on emotion and impulse. I know all of this, and understand it, but the prospect of having to sit there and talk about his state of mind and how he was in the weeks leading up to the attack, and even before that, talking about his mental state in our relationship, and.. agh. Everything. It just terrifies me.
I also don't want to be blamed for making him that way. I know logically I didn't make him that way - he never had the full deck of cards, so to speak, but.. of course the defence counsel is going to try to make me look like a bad person, make it seem that I provoked him or that it's my fault he was depressed, etc. What scares me the most about that is that although he was already depressed - in my opinion, not diagnosed that way - I feel guilty about the fact that I did make him that upset and angry, I left him. I hurt him. I don't want to have to feel that guilt again because I've only just found my way to living with that guilt and not having it overwhelm me every day.
Agh, what a mess. Sorry for the word overload, I understand if a lot of you can't read this. Now I just need to figure out how to calm down, and also how to brace myself for the next few months as I have to speak to the prosecution counsel and doctors and specialists and psychiatrists and get ready for trial. God, it never ends. I just want this over so I can start moving on. I've been feeling like I've made such good progress, joining the forum, making an appointment with a psychiatrist, trying to focus on art and reading - it all seems so trivial now.
I've just had a call from the prosecutor on the trial related to my ex attacking me, and he's officially pleading not guilty to attempted murder. God, it scares me just to look at those words.
I had to talk to her about the events again, about him and his mental state, about our relationship, the circumstances around me leaving... everything. As I've said on here before, I remember every detail clearly, which is obviously going to be great for trial, but it's hideous for me personally.
Of course, the trial isn't going to focus on whether or not he attacked me - it's not a case of identity or anything like that. What it will be focusing on is his state of mind, whether he was a stable or unstable person, sane or insane at the time, capable of making the reasoned and rationed decision to kill me rather than acting on emotion and impulse. I know all of this, and understand it, but the prospect of having to sit there and talk about his state of mind and how he was in the weeks leading up to the attack, and even before that, talking about his mental state in our relationship, and.. agh. Everything. It just terrifies me.
I also don't want to be blamed for making him that way. I know logically I didn't make him that way - he never had the full deck of cards, so to speak, but.. of course the defence counsel is going to try to make me look like a bad person, make it seem that I provoked him or that it's my fault he was depressed, etc. What scares me the most about that is that although he was already depressed - in my opinion, not diagnosed that way - I feel guilty about the fact that I did make him that upset and angry, I left him. I hurt him. I don't want to have to feel that guilt again because I've only just found my way to living with that guilt and not having it overwhelm me every day.
Agh, what a mess. Sorry for the word overload, I understand if a lot of you can't read this. Now I just need to figure out how to calm down, and also how to brace myself for the next few months as I have to speak to the prosecution counsel and doctors and specialists and psychiatrists and get ready for trial. God, it never ends. I just want this over so I can start moving on. I've been feeling like I've made such good progress, joining the forum, making an appointment with a psychiatrist, trying to focus on art and reading - it all seems so trivial now.
