Trigger: I Haven't Done Something I Am Bad

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi,

More stuff keeps surfacing. If I don't do something for work, school, etc the negative core belief "I am bad" comes up. This has been another great source of anxiety for me and driving me into workaholism and perfectionism. Simply not responding to an email can put me into a vicious cycle.
I have vague memories of my parents and grandparents shaming me if I haven't done my homework but I don't remember much.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Have you done EMDR to change the negative belief? Has it worked?

Thank You,
UniversalBeing

 

[Bluemoonwillow]

I do struggle with this to the point where work can be an emotional roller coaster. If something happens and I can't finish a job but I have to leave to get somewhere I literally have panic attacks and dreams about being a failure. I am an I home care giver and sometimes things can't be done in the time allotted because the person I care for needs more physical care, so something in the house doesn't get cleaned. I know I will be back the next day to finish the project, but it will literally bug me the rest of the day. And if I am not careful I have a tendency to put myself down and make myself feel like a loser because I couldn't finish what I had to do. When this happens and if it gets bad I sit down with my handy pencil and paper and wrote down for myself how long I was there and exactly what I was doing and what if anything could have been done differently so I could finish the job. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes often I feel guilty for not doing everything or not doing enough. And/or bad about myself for not doing what someone wants or pressures me to or for disagreeing. Though to some extent I sometimes feel badly about myself when others do not reply or leave things undone too.

 

[Bluemoonwillow]

Yes often I feel guilty for not doing everything or not doing enough. And/or bad about myself for not doi...

Oh that is also not good. Then the whole did I do something wrong, or did I expect too much issue comes up!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Bluemoonwillow & did I have a right to expect anything or wrong to feel let down, badly. Etc.

 

[Ronin]

I understand that difficulty, thing though is: something like an effort can't measure your worthlessness. Different scale, if you need to measure worth to begin with. So school work doesn't apply there.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I have struggled greatly with this core belief. What helped was 1. Noticing when the thought/began, then 2. Taking a short break from what I was doing, while I give myself a minute or three to relax my body. 3. Remind my self thai I am a good person, and 4. With a connection to a new core belief, 'I am a good person', explore approaching the activity I was doing, earlier.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

After my last EMDR session new memories came up. Since first grade I was repeatedly told that everyone will laugh at me and make fun of me if I don't do my homework, that I am bad and should be ashamed of myself. Also, I was not allowed to play until I did my homework. This has been a struggle my whole life. I am a workaholic and overachiever because I cannot not finish my work. I will work on this issue next in therapy.

 

[RuthieJujube]

When I am suffering from anxiety and facing a tough task, at times I become so afraid of doing something wrong (being bad) that I freeze in fear. I can't go on because I don't want to risk a mistake. Lately I remember being a little and being threatened with a beating if I didn't clean my room perfectly. I was so scared to forget something and be punished.

So I have to stop and remind myself to take it one step at a time. It's ok now. Mistakes are ok and they are normal, inevitable parts of life. They can almost always be fixed.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

An update. Yesterday, we resolved this memory in therapy doing EMDR and I felt so great and relieved. It's over. The tension from my shoulders is gone. My therapist noticed that I was able to move and before that I was frozen. She nearly cried when she saw the difference in me. I felt so good. When I got home I felt free to move and stretch and sleep. All of a sudden a huge burden is lifted from my shoulders. The PC: I can choose how I want to spend my time or I have choice in how I spent my time. Also, I can set my own priorities and me needs and priorities are important.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@UniversalBeing, I also struggle with a core belief of "I am bad". Its not as strong as it was just months ago and weakened it with constant countering it with countering thoughts but when it comes to EMDR; how was the process? I am terrified of it now due to the first and only time I did it I had a severe bad reaction. My therapist has been hinting of coming back to EMDR soon, which is why Im asking.

What would be your biggest advise for both getting the most out of it and minimizing any adverse effects of it?

 

[Benedicte S. Lunde]

OMG YES, everyday. Been sick and that I notice so well that my body shuts down like I have chronic fatigue, that I can`t do all that I want to do ( I `m a former top athlete, and I have a extreme " good girl" syndrom and a perfectionist and that`s not making it any easier).

If I just say to my self ! "come on" just go out for a walk with you best four legged friend, for me beeing a past top athlete... and realizing how difficult it is for me to do normal day things gets me SO MAD and some years ago I ended up sitting down and crying. It`s litteraly killing me inside. Really feeling the anxiety now also when Im writing about it.

I see everyone else going on with their life, and me...I`m sleeping ( when my sleep aid are kicking in) having so insane nightmares and Im walking around all day like a zombie! everyone else is walking around smiling in their sport gear,like I used to do.I get so mad... Im crying while writing because I still haven`t got any help... I went to a doctor 3 years ago, and lucky me... he molested me. And are in a huge trial against him. Ive just had my 4 lesson with my new therapist. For some reason my past therapist either got a child a I hope they can help me, cause I want to come back to myself.

I need to see how my day is before I can like.. ok, I can do this. And maybe see if I can do this. Its very difficult for me to make any appointments, I WANT TO... but I have no idea how my day is gonna be before it arrives. Today, I just NEED to accept it, I have just FINALY starting with a new therapist not a day too soon.

And I would like to give that as a advice, just accept that where you are right now.... is where you are! Don`t try to make it any other way, cause it will just go down hard on you. Try to do what you feel is ok, if it`s just going to the store and buy some chocolate ;) or do the dishes ( since my boyfriend do everything for me it`s actually doing it difficult also, I have always been very very independent, but I know.. if it wasn`t for him... yes. well.

AND... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Treat you with something you love, JUST BECAUSE. Try to always reach out little by little step by step. its not easy... I wanted to go on a "party" meeting my brother, his girlfriend and some of our friends, everyone knows Im sick.. I can`t meet someone who don`t know, because if I get the question " oh, hi, what do you do for work? or what ever... I need to learn how to lie thats for sure :p cause no one really understands and haha one time a lady told me ( in my boyfriends family get together) " do you know what you need to do?? just put a black cross all over" Im like.. ooh? thats A GREAT IDEA :p why didn`t I think of that sooner :p Thank you :p but yeah...

but yes, that party with my brother again.. I told my self... just put something on, what ever it is, and than you walk down to te bus stop, you take the bus, you change the bus and than you walk 1km to your friends house... its EASY... I freezed in the bathroom. my mum came for a visit.. found me with 100000 different clothes all over and on me , I had been sitting in the bathroom for 2 hours, going nowhere! BUT... i tried! and THAT is the most important thing. I never self pitty! never, cause there is no need for! But I need to think its a reason for it all....

TAKE CARE, and go with YOUR OWN flow. And just say it as it is! cause it will no be like it forever! II`m 29, been sick with the diagnose for over 10years. it goes back and forward. Always do baby step. Don`t overthink. And seek help. That is showing how strong you actually are. saying, NO CAN DO, stupid ptsd /&%¤#" I don`t want it as bad as this. Let me see what I can do about it! take as much as you can , a form of control. I know that my brain needs to be trained again. But Im ready. The future is out there. And when its sun.... I always go out and sit on the terrace, ( if its very hot I can`t sit so long as I can feel the anxiety) BUT... Im sitting in the sun... and THATS good enough right THERE and right now.