Trigger Reaction

[unfreezing]

My boyfriend had hit a big ptsd trigger with me. He lied to me in a grevious way and my trust of him is now in question, where I thought I was safe before. Logically, I think his actions are hurtful, wrong, and detrimental to our relationship. But in my less logical mind, I am shaking, racing heartbeat, crying, can't sleep, hyper focused on it.
I may have to end the relationship. I'm worried I'm having more ptsd reaction than normal reaction. I don't want to make the wrong choice based on my triggers. Anyone have advice on how to tell how ptsd the reaction is and how normal it is?

 

[scout86]

In that kind of situation, I try to find a "normal" friend or 2 to run the story by and see what their take on it is. Sometimes they agree with me. Sometimes they don't. Pick someone who has good judgement, not just someone who will agree with you no matter what. I think of it as a "reality check".

 

[nursenurse]

What did he do? Hard to tell if you are over reacting or not with all the info. Sometimes things will set off the worst in us non PTSD folks, depending on what the lie was about and what it does to our faith in that partner.

 

[unfreezing]

He has been texting an ex girlfriend for months. And they went to lunch secretly a couple weeks ago. I just found out via his phone texts when trying to upload a picture to my computer. The texts were open to that page. I've never even heard of this person.

 

[Friday]

He's lied to you (outright or by omission)
He's texting & meeting with an ex (you're sure? If you've never heard of her? Confused here, but we'll just take it as meet for the time being and call her an ex)

Outside of PTSD... You'll get the entire range of reactions.
- From people immediately dumping their boyfriend as it's unacceptable behavior to withhold info, or be friends with the opposite sex, or be in contact with exes, or, or.
- to people actively encouraging their boyfriends to have their own lives outside of the relationship, with both male & female friends, and see it as a good sign if they're friends with exes.
- to those who would be furious if they were told of communications & meetings with other women / see it as game-playing trying to induce a jealous reaction where no jealousy is necessary if they're just friends.

Because people have different boundaries, and different wants and needs in a relationship.

Inside of PTSD? Ditto.

 

[nursenurse]

Well, here is the thing. He has lied to you. How "Ex" is she? Secretly went to lunch? My spidey senses would be on high alert, and honestly, just because of what I have been through in my life and observing people, I would kick his can to the curb. He has at the very least been emotionally having an affair, and generally when you start scratching the surface, you will uncover more.

 

[Sighs]

To me the issue here is the secrecy. If she is an ex that he is now friends with then why did he hide her from you?

 

[Wastinglight]

Yikes. That's a tough one. It's possible that they have an entirely innocent friendship, but he was keeping it a secret because he was worried about your reaction. This would probably end up being a dealbreaker for me though - his deceit would eat away at me, I think. But that's because my ex lied his ass off day and night for a decade and a half (he was really good at lying) so now my trust in people is very fragile and easily broken. And frankly, If he doesn't trust or respect you enough to be up front about it then that's not a good sign. But it might just have been a terrible judgment call on his part.

Anyways, for what it's worth, this is what I do when I am totally freaking out about something (I don't have PTSD but I do have GAD and suffer from panic disorder as well):

1. Sit with it for a couple of hours/days/weeks, until my head clears a bit.
2. Talk with my confidants (I have three) and try to explain the situation to them as openly and honestly as possible.
3. Listen to their reaction and advice.
4. Sit with it for another couple of hours/days/weeks until I am sure that I am thinking logically.
5. Sometimes I talk to my confidants again to see if their advice is still the same now that I am thinking more rationally (sometimes they get panicked by my panickyness, if that makes any sense!).
6. Make a decision and take action.

No idea if that's helpful to you, but I have found it to be a very successful strategy for me.