Triggered By Family

[Broken Dahlia]

Hello everyone. After years of therapy I have identified my mother as one of my main triggers. My therapist had to read through her emails and point out the abusive language, the "bear traps" she set, etc. I don't talk to her often, because even a pleasant interaction leaves me sick for days, sometimes weeks or months. About 1.5 years ago, she started therapy and her therapist told her not to protect our feelings anymore, so she told me I needed to accept at least partial responsibility for being raped when I was 16 and 17 because I drank alcohol. I had been sober for 2.5 years at this point, so it wasn't out of concern for my current safety; all I do is try to keep myself safe, I hardly leave my house. I was devastated that she would blame me for what those really horrible men did to me, so I didn't speak to her for months. Last week a tornado was in my area and she called to make sure I knew. We hadn't spoken in four months, but I answered because it was early in the morning and I knew something must be wrong. So she warned me, and then wanted to stay on the phone with me while I sobbed. I had a really bad panic attack, of course, and then the weather cleared. I couldn't help but notice how content she seemed while I cried; it was just like when I was younger, she would tell me some information that I would have missed otherwise, and then comfort me. I am sure I sound like a horrible person, but after 30 years you start to notice patterns. Does anyone else feel like others trigger them on purpose, perhaps not even consciously? Thanks for reading.

 

[0722]

My situation was slightly different, my sister used to purposely trigger me to get me angry and wound up. I realised once I had moved out that it was her who was bullying me. I moved out because I fell pregnant (it was my daughters father who resulted me in getting PTSD but I think my sister was part of the reason why I got it). Over the years my sister has got more nasty, she told me I didn't deserve my baby and she kept telling me to not ever speak to my Mum again (My Mum told me after that is not what I should do so I am guessing my Mum got angry at my sister for saying it) and my sister also said that I'm not part of the family any more. She has even hit me twice. She is younger than me by 5 years. I noticed a pattern with her, she was nasty when I was most happy, my conclusion is she was jealous. The funny thing is, I am happy living on my own with my daughter (regardless of the fact I am a single Mum), where as my sister broke up with her long term boyfriend at the start of the year because she cheated on him, and all my sister does now is go out and get drunk with the person she cheated on her ex-boyfriend with, getting in at 5AM and having work at 8AM plus waking my Mum up, and acting like she is Little Miss Innocent.

Going back to my daughter's abusive father, he used to play a lot of sport which was aggressive. One time we argued and he went and played sport. When we spoke after I asked how it was, and he said he played better because we had argued and that he had a lot of adrenaline from it. I noticed the pattern that each time before he played that specific sport, he would purposely try and argue with me. Luckily I didn't live with him by this point as I had moved into my own house, so in the end I would ignore him trying to argue with me on texts and phone, so really he would wind himself up without ruining my day and making me angry.

I'm not sure if that is what you meant in your post, and I know my situation was different but I noticed a lot of patterns with the main two people who abused me.

I hope you are okay.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

My situation was slightly different, my sister used to purposely trigger me to get me angry and wound up. I...

Thank you so much for your reply! I can't believe your ex admitted to his behavior; I don't think my mom has the insight. I am feeling better and more resolved to keep myself healthy which means staying away from my family as much as possible. I am tired of feeling better and then reconnecting with them only when there is a disaster, flood, tornado, cancer, etc. Worried about the holidays coming up, lots of guilt, but I know that even if things go well someone in my family will say or do something that will take at least days to process it; it is never worth it. Your sister sounds like a younger version of my mother in law; she told my husband that it was "God's will" when I miscarried and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I am glad to hear that you are in a better situation with your daughter and she doesn't have to grow up around all of that too. You sound like a really good mom!

 

[0722]

My ex-boyfriend only admitted to his behaviour at that one time only. He used to really try and twist my mind. He once said he hoped that I got my daughter taken from me, and then denied it the following week when we spoke about it. Its a sad story, I was his childhood love in school! I just didn't feel the same until a few years after we left school!

I can't believe your Mother in Law said that! That must of been awful! My ex-boyfriend's Mum told me I was an awful parent when she had only seen me once with my daughter and I didn't even hold my daughter because I had just given birth a week before so my ex-boyfriend did all the nappy changing and feeding in front of her! I guess she wanted to stir things up before she moved away. I'm okay now though, it's difficult, but I will get there.

Yes I think that is the best option to stay away unless you really need to see them. I am a bit annoyed about Christmas to be honest, I don't talk to my Sister so because my Mum spent last Christmas with me, she is spending this Christmas with my sister. So my Mum basically told me I had to spend it on my own with my daughter, apart from the morning she said she'd come over, but luckily my Dad said I can have dinner at his, and I think I am seeing one of my Mummy friends whose daughter is good friends with my daughter in the evening. My sister speaks to a lot more family members than me on my Mums side so she will always have someone to spend Christmas with.

I've just realised, you get tornado's and floods! We don't get them here in the UK. It must be pretty scary. Just thunder and lightning and I get so scared!

Sorry, I have typed far too much Lol!

 

[Broken Dahlia]

My ex-boyfriend only admitted to his behaviour at that one time only. He used to really try and twist my mi...

Having him admit it that one time must have been so validating, though, to know that he did get off on your pain. My mom is a martyr, "the most selfless person she knows." Who would say that about themselves?!

The weather here (Texas) is no joke- the flooding has gotten worse and the houses one block over got it last week. I would have been worried anyway, but she really fueled it. Now I know better, again.

Christmas is going to be hard this year, I really don't want to give in to tradition and spend it with them but that will probably be a battle. I wish they would just let me go; by their actions I don't think they even like me anymore, but there will be pressure just to keep up appearances, if only for ourselves. Take care, 0722!