lil_fighter
Confident
I dated a guy around four years ago, I was really into him and he was really into me. I was falling for him but got scared because that same year I came face to face with the person who sexually assaulted me a few years before. The trauma I had suppressed for years resurfaced and I just couldn't handle being in a relationship. I didn't tell him my reasons, I just made up an excuse and left him. It was the hardest thing, hurting him and him not understanding why or knowing the real reasons.
I went on to do lots of therapy, had another relationship (one with very little intimacy or emotional connection, maybe because it felt safer) but I was unhappy in the relationship and ended it as it wasn't authentic. I always thought about the other guy I had been falling in love with but just got on with building my career etc. and moved away.
Then, last year I did something I had avoided doing - I contacted him and wrote him a very healing and authentic letter explaining everything. I told him about the trauma, explained that I had cared for him and that I had ended it not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to. He took some time to process what I told him and then he was so understanding, non-judgemental and supportive of me. He admitted that he still cared for me and we have been speaking ever since. We started slowly as friends and as we were both single, agreed to give things another go.
He was talking the other day about being physically intimate with me again (we had been intimate a few years ago when we last met) and I do feel comfortable with him and trust him. Thing is he was talking about a particular sexual act (which is the same one that happened when I had my bad experience). I was open to the conversation, which was via messaging but then he mentioned that he did that particular thing with his ex (someone he was with since the last time we met). Let's just say he went into far too much detail and I did tell him "too much information!" he laughed it off and just continued talking about me and him. I felt so so so uncomfortable and wasn't sure if it was just because hearing about exes and sexual experiences in detail surely is uncomfortable anyway - or if it was because of the particular sexual act we were discussing and my traumatic experience. Discussing it with him is hard enough without hearing about an ex and having an image of him with her.
I didn't say anything. I kept quiet and I left my phone down. We then spoke later on a video call and neither of us mentioned it but he looked embarrassed when we first started talking. I think he knew he had overstepped the mark and had been careless. Every morning since this conversation I have been waking up with intense anxiety and a horrible feeling. I don't want to cause drama, I like that he can talk openly with me but I just feel a boundary is being crossed and I want to know how to address this without seeming jealous or petty. I really do think part of it is the trauma and trust issues but part of it probably is that my heart hurt at the thought of him with this other person - because of the level of detail. Surely exes shouldn't be discussed in such detail? I am just struggling with trying to come across as calm, level-headed and reasonable whilst I have this internal turmoil as it's stirring up something for me far more than I could have predicted. Really can't place where the anxiety is coming from. I haven't felt anxious in years. How can I shake this feeling and tell him how I am feeling without seeming unreasonable? I feel unsafe and triggered. I hate not speaking up, I did that for so many years that I can't sit with the discomfort of it for much longer. Any advice would be so so welcome and appreciated
I went on to do lots of therapy, had another relationship (one with very little intimacy or emotional connection, maybe because it felt safer) but I was unhappy in the relationship and ended it as it wasn't authentic. I always thought about the other guy I had been falling in love with but just got on with building my career etc. and moved away.
Then, last year I did something I had avoided doing - I contacted him and wrote him a very healing and authentic letter explaining everything. I told him about the trauma, explained that I had cared for him and that I had ended it not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to. He took some time to process what I told him and then he was so understanding, non-judgemental and supportive of me. He admitted that he still cared for me and we have been speaking ever since. We started slowly as friends and as we were both single, agreed to give things another go.
He was talking the other day about being physically intimate with me again (we had been intimate a few years ago when we last met) and I do feel comfortable with him and trust him. Thing is he was talking about a particular sexual act (which is the same one that happened when I had my bad experience). I was open to the conversation, which was via messaging but then he mentioned that he did that particular thing with his ex (someone he was with since the last time we met). Let's just say he went into far too much detail and I did tell him "too much information!" he laughed it off and just continued talking about me and him. I felt so so so uncomfortable and wasn't sure if it was just because hearing about exes and sexual experiences in detail surely is uncomfortable anyway - or if it was because of the particular sexual act we were discussing and my traumatic experience. Discussing it with him is hard enough without hearing about an ex and having an image of him with her.
I didn't say anything. I kept quiet and I left my phone down. We then spoke later on a video call and neither of us mentioned it but he looked embarrassed when we first started talking. I think he knew he had overstepped the mark and had been careless. Every morning since this conversation I have been waking up with intense anxiety and a horrible feeling. I don't want to cause drama, I like that he can talk openly with me but I just feel a boundary is being crossed and I want to know how to address this without seeming jealous or petty. I really do think part of it is the trauma and trust issues but part of it probably is that my heart hurt at the thought of him with this other person - because of the level of detail. Surely exes shouldn't be discussed in such detail? I am just struggling with trying to come across as calm, level-headed and reasonable whilst I have this internal turmoil as it's stirring up something for me far more than I could have predicted. Really can't place where the anxiety is coming from. I haven't felt anxious in years. How can I shake this feeling and tell him how I am feeling without seeming unreasonable? I feel unsafe and triggered. I hate not speaking up, I did that for so many years that I can't sit with the discomfort of it for much longer. Any advice would be so so welcome and appreciated
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