Triggered By Meeting With Former Therapist

[theshadowoftheliving]

I met with a former therapist today that I haven't seen for some fifteen years. After being forced to end therapy with him due to a geographic move, I started to uncover memories of my childhood sexual abuse. I never spoke with him about this and lost all contact entirely until now.

I'm now trying to piece my past together, as I have a spotty memory at best. This was all part of meeting with him. It was absolutely horrifying to hear him tell me about the symptoms that he had observed in me at the time (sexual abreactions that I had not been aware of, as well as general sexual behavior to him that I was obviously dissociated when doing). He said that he had always suspected that I had experienced CSA, due to my trauma symptoms.

It's nothing that should surprise me, but it's thrown me totally off kilter and I'm having trouble recovering from our conversation. I laid in bed and dissociated for several hours tonight, then had a flashback in the shower - something that hasn't happened for years.

Not sure exactly what I'm looking for in a response to this. Hearing how severe he thought my symptoms were made me doubt my current conclusions that nothing really happened and that I'm exaggerating my responses to what *must* be a pretty banal past. It's making me doubt everything I thought I knew. Has anyone every had these experiences that make them think that things might have been/are worse than they thought?

 

[Friday]

I found a box of heavy duty meds in with some of my old military gear. I don't remember being Rx'd them. I don't remember taking them. Don't think I did. Suckers were pretty full. Yet, here they were, with my name rank and social. So I know, someone, at some point, thought I needed rhinoceros tranquilizers! Or to be seeing dancing hippos in my time off. Some seriously heavy duty shit, that I apparently just binned. Hmmmmm. Well now, that's disturbing. On several levels.

I wasn't symptom free when I was in. Can't even count how often I got in trouble back on base. Not a figure of speech. I know I was diagnosed back then. (So were all of us, different era, a diagnosis didn't mean anything, except getting to be out in the field more often :D ). But what I remember about treatment? Zip. Nada. Zilch. I got royally pissed off when I first found them. Someone knew I was f*cked in the head and did jack squat about it. Well, pushed a bunch of pills on me at least.

Then I took a step back. If someone had actually tried to do anything about it? Hospital program, or taken away my flight status, or op status? Pfft. No way in hell would I have accepted it, much less been a willing participant. I was fine.

 

[jaccat]

I've bern dealing with this recently. My memory is pretty dodgy, lots of holes. The stuff I remembered was just bits of bad stuff floating in whatever. My current therapist is very good at taking the little bits of memory I have and stitching them into a bigger picture that scares the hell out of me. I've always told myself that things weren't that bad, but I'm coming to realise that actually no, there were no happy times, nothing that I can use as an anchor to hold onto. It scares the crap out of me but I've come to realise that it's something I've got to face, not run from. I have to accept the truth of it before I can really begin to heal.

Hold in there. That you're beginning to realise this is a great step.

 

[Chosen]

I'm sorry that your former therapist gave you so much information. That wasn't very ethical of him to tell you all that without assessing you, your current health, and what support systems you have in place. Information overload isn't good, and the APA ethics codes makes it clear that therapists should only release information that will not harm the client. It doesn't sound like he put much thought into how to give you information in a healthful, helpful manner. I'm sorry.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Well, in his defense, we did talk about my life, etc beforehand. AND, I was the one that asked the question; I guess I just wasn't incredibly ready for the response. And even though I'm struggling a bit more than usual, in no way am I in danger.

It's just strange - I've always known that I've dissociated. Missing time, elastic time, the push and pull of reality versus non-reality. None of that info is news. But the idea that an entire part of me - this sexual part - was dissociated and acting out? ENTIRELY NEW NEWS. And, frankly, somewhat terrifying to me.

 

[shimmerz]

was dissociated and acting out

Was. Isn't now.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

But that's exactly the panic. I think it is past-tense - but how can you be certain about what you don't know? What if I'm still having this kind of split experience, where I act in a manner that I have no conscious knowledge of?

 

[shimmerz]

What if I'm still having this kind of split experience, where I act in a manner that I have no conscious knowledge of?

Therapists have this 'gift' of pulling out of us our deepest subconscious 'shit'. Sometimes it isn't even our stuff, but their interpretation of our stuff. It isn't day to day run of the mill stuff they talk about.

Also, who knows what he considers 'sexual'. He could be a Freudian crazy ass therapist who interprets all sorts of normal stuff as sexual. Seriously, if life is going along fairly well, don't walk towards the hornets nest that is in the woods, across the street, next to the White Pine, second from the left just because someone tells you it's there.
1) They might be wrong
2) You may not need to care

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I suppose the panic is because life seems to have two parallel planes - the one that I'm totally functional in, where there are no issues whatsoever, and then the pane that runs parallel to it, where I float on the ceiling whenever I try to be intimate and where I lay in bed for hours, motionless, as time speeds up and moves over and past me … \

It might be wrong. But it panics me because I don't think it is.

And I don't think there is necessarily a solution for what I am describing. So, I'm not looking for someone to solve this disparity for me, rather reassurance that I'm not the only one going through this …. since these conversations don't usually surface with my friends, etc, and I often feel so alone in these seemingly crazy reactions I have to things.

 

[garden]

@theshadowoftheliving You are not alone. I hope that you find comfort in being here, we understand what you are experiencing, and there are a lot of caring people here who you can learn from.

I had a therapist who triggered my anxiety once, but I'm sure that she did not mean to. It is probably more common than we think.

I would agree with @shimmerz, sometimes even a therapist can be wrong, and even their 'interpretation' of our stuff can have hints of their own projections...

The therapist asked me about the duration and frequency of my childhood sexual abuse. I answered her question only to see this "OMG you're so fu**ed" expression on her face. I was devestated when I saw this expression on her face. She was also speechless, and there was an awkward silence while she sat there and silently judged me...her face revealing all.

A good therapist should have a well practiced poker face. She was not a very experienced therapist but she meant well.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, I do feel like pieces of me are living in different time zones almost. I am conscious of it all though, i just react differently to at different times. Kind of like 'Who just said that?'

 

[joeylittle]

Has anyone every had these experiences that make them think that things might have been/are worse than they thought?

The first time my therapist called my trauma "torture", I was so taken aback I couldn't even respond. It was absolutely not the way I saw it, not even close. I still struggle with admitting to some of the things that happened. But him saying that one word also made me start to see things in a new light, and seeing things in a new light made me incredibly symptomatic. Give yourself a bit of time to adjust. Can you schedule some sessions with this therapist to process your reaction to the information?