Triggered from being scared about payments

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm really sorry if this is stupid or childish.

Due to my laptop breaking down I was unable to work for several weeks. During that time I used up all my resources, postponed bills, payments and rent.... Borrowed to afford food. Now, I should have found a solution faster but there was a part of me that didn't think I deserved one. Then everything got messed up.
I can finally work, getting my first 50$ (I know not a lot but a start) pay tomorrow. Then I will start getting more in slowly,

However my 'grace period' in which I postponed things slowly, made reasonable agreements and somehow moved forward seems to have passed.
Now everyone is pissed about late payments and renegotiations (didn't think this situation would last as long), from my landlord, to people who lend me money, and also I am finally running out of food and making crazy meals literally put of whatever is there. I was hoping to use 20 from what is coming tomorrow for food, but now so many people are pissed that I feel I must use everything on repayments.

Anyway, there is no fast way to fix this. And people being mad about money is one of my most freeze-dissociate-hide in bed triggers.
Sometimes it renders me unable to cope from a few hours to few weeks, dreading any work task. That leads to not working because I'm terrified, and not doing anything else because I feel guilty If I do.

Have you ever done anything you don't feel you can fix?
Terrified through your bones so much you can't move? Like I know literally I have been in more dangerous situations, but this trigger appears and I hide in bed for a few hours like I am 5 again, shaking from the cold and wondering how I'll get to a new day and nauseous from the idea of being present in my life. And I know it's a trigger I should have resolved but here we are ....
I'm so scared...

 

[arfie]

Have you ever done anything you don't feel you can fix?

f*ck yeah, i've done things i **felt** like i've can't fix. worse, i've done things that were, in fact, irreparable. and yet. . . somehow i survived to go on to bigger and more glorious SNAFUs, most especially with those bigger projects. i'm currently repurposing an old farmhouse into an environmental education center. i have daily panic attacks over whether or not i'm making yet another series of messes i won't be able to fix.

sigh. . .
when will i ever learn?
still. . . i feel better with the missed guesses than the fear of trying.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

somehow i survived

Thank you for that- and for what it's worth your current idea about the farmhouse sounds amazing.

I don't think fear of trying applies to almost getting evicted, more possibly to missed income opportunities on the way to that.
I have managed to secure a bit of money and survive may, though I have debts due by end of June that far outweigh what I can make.
Also I'm just restarting getting jobs.

But I went into bizzaro active mode, where I wrote to anything and anyone, without thinking, as I had to make sure I get through this. I panicked on an 'dissociating and sending emails like a crazy person' mode. This led to securing a small loan (THANKFULLY) from someone I never would have asked otherwise and possibly a second mini-pay gig from another person. But I was ... I don't think I've even sent so many desperate messages in such short time. So it's handled but

a. I do not want to be in that situation again
b. everything is such a mess I'll have to start fixing once I wake up, but here applies your fear of failure, I have to try making enough this month and next one, meaning applying all my money ideas however crazy-sounding to me
c. that amount of desperate trying to resolve the situation left me with the mental equivalent of being stuck by lightning or fallen out of somewhere high,.,,,
I am exhausted just as much as I've been after 13h days at work, I feel incoherent and like my ears are ringing and I'm just needing to shut off the world. :Like can't function think.
Thank god it's evening.

But seriously.
I do not need this feeling again, it was like a heart attack.

I hate it.
I need to CHANGE. Faster.

 

[arfie]

I don't think fear of trying applies to almost getting evicted

i solidly agree with that notion, but fear is a mind-killer and one fear leads to another. to this day, i fear being evicted and i hold it as a healthy fear.

But seriously.
I do not need this feeling again, it was like a heart attack.

amen, i say unto thee, amen. one of my theme songs for those hell days where i can't do much more than imitation therapy exercises (fake it 'till ya make it) is from red hot chili peppers. "i don't ever want to feel like i did that day. take me to the place i love, take me all the way." but? ? ? bad days still happen. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

I hate it.
I need to CHANGE. Faster.

as one of my more effective alanon sponsors used to tell me
"on your mark,
"get set,
"! ! ! SIT ! ! !"

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~Algonquin proverb
i don't believe the healing mysteries work on mandated agendas.
be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

i hold it as a healthy fear.

Mine is definitely not healthy. It's related to some trigger I haven't yet unpacked I guess. So instead of pushing me to action (which is what I might imagine you meant as healthy fear), it tends to freeze me into the ice age and get me to a state that takes a long time to get out of. And heal from, It's almost like a new trauma every time. I don't know why this fear exactly. I thought if I connected it to one memory it would improve but there are a few I can think of and nothing has made it any better thus far. I mean I am still kicking, yay, and I had some near-eviction moments that I avoided- but none of it changed how in my mind this is one of the fears that is beyond my comprehension and I freeze and dissociate and become useless.
I don't know if me jumping into mass-emailing and job searching for a couple of hours until I secured loan and some work, and then dissociating the rest of the day is progress over immediately dissociating, but here we are...

bad days still happen. small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.

Thank you! I just got my second mini-job (I mean, it is just a couple hours and the pay is just enough to secure a half-week of food let's say) but it's the second gig in a few days. I know it's not what you meant by small steps... but it feels like with every small job I am getting a little bit of my confidence for making invome back.
But yes, there will be bad days.

i don't believe the healing mysteries work on mandated agendas.
be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

I fully agree. But when I'm in a bad spot I tend to revert back to 'I MUST' above anything else.
Anyway. I am doing my best.
The whole scare yesterday is making it hard to get out of my home (slight agoraphobic vibes), and to secure my month I need to get food, get bills paid and meet my landlord, all tasks that can be done in one afternoon. But things after yesterday are still high on anxiety. So today I just got some food, tomorrow I am going to go pay all bills, and the day after- meet with my landlord.

Work is all on my laptop for now, so I hope that can go in bigger steps.

 

[jsstjohn]

I'm really sorry if this is stupid or childish.

Due to my laptop breaking down I was unable to work for several weeks. During that time I used up all my resources, postponed bills, payments and rent.... Borrowed to afford food. Now, I should have found a solution faster but there was a part of me that didn't think I deserved one. Then everything got messed up.
I can finally work, getting my first 50$ (I know not a lot but a start) pay tomorrow. Then I will start getting more in slowly,

However my 'grace period' in which I postponed things slowly, made reasonable agreements and somehow moved forward seems to have passed.
Now everyone is pissed about late payments and renegotiations (didn't think this situation would last as long), from my landlord, to people who lend me money, and also I am finally running out of food and making crazy meals literally put of whatever is there. I was hoping to use 20 from what is coming tomorrow for food, but now so many people are pissed that I feel I must use everything on repayments.

Anyway, there is no fast way to fix this. And people being mad about money is one of my most freeze-dissociate-hide in bed triggers.
Sometimes it renders me unable to cope from a few hours to few weeks, dreading any work task. That leads to not working because I'm terrified, and not doing anything else because I feel guilty If I do.

Have you ever done anything you don't feel you can fix?
Terrified through your bones so much you can't move? Like I know literally I have been in more dangerous situations, but this trigger appears and I hide in bed for a few hours like I am 5 again, shaking from the cold and wondering how I'll get to a new day and nauseous from the idea of being present in my life. And I know it's a trigger I should have resolved but here we are ....
I'm so scared...

I was taken into PC cuz of a lie, stayed 3 days in solitude then to a hospital for 30 days.
All through which losing access to a electronic device smashed even more.

Behind on cc payments, mortgage, was terminated, and am living with PTSD & my parents.
Sux to fall while climbing out of a hole & hit bottom again

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I was taken into PC cuz of a lie, stayed 3 days in solitude then to a hospital for 30 days.
All through which losing access to a electronic device smashed even more.

Behind on cc payments, mortgage, was terminated, and am living with PTSD & my parents.
Sux to fall while climbing out of a hole & hit bottom again

Yeah, that sounds like that exact feeling. I'm sorry you know how it feels too.
I'm rooting for everyone who does to figure out how to climb out again.

 

[Ecdysis]

instead of pushing me to action (which is what I might imagine you meant as healthy fear), it tends to freeze me into the ice age and get me to a state that takes a long time to get out of. And heal from, It's almost like a new trauma every time. I don't know why this fear exactly

Hi @SeekingAfrica

I think it's just the "freeze response" - it's one of the 4 main survival responses when faced with a threat.
None of the 4 survival responses are "better" or "worse" in general and none of them are "bad" or "good".
I guess, depending on the situation, being able to pick which survival response your body and brain choose would be very convenient/ cool, but I don't think it works like that. Your system picks its survival response and that's the one you get.

If I were in your situation, my brain would be freezing and shutting down too. I literally would not be able to cope. I know I'm someone that cannot live without a safety net. I mean, I can "survive" for a brief period of time, if I have no other choice. Surviving trauma is proof that I can do it. But it is literally just "surviving" not living and it does feel like I'm going through a type of trauma.

In my early 20s, I was living in a country without an adequate safety net. I moved to a country where I did have an adequate safety net. At the time I'd just been diagnosed with PTSD but it was still untreated and raging out of control and I was severely suicidal and having nervous breakdowns. I know that I wouldn't be alive today, 25 years later, if I hadn't made that choice. The country I was living in is having a lot of poverty/ cost of living/ housing crises at the moment and when I check the news from there, there are so many news items about how the mental health system there is failing really badly and some people in extreme distress are either a) killing themselves (suicidal) or b) killing others (homicidal) because they have reached breaking point. There's been a lot of news items about women being killed in domestic violence situations and also people with untreated psychosis killing people… I'm certain if I'd stayed there, I'd be long dead by now.

So I get it. I'm not sure what to suggest… I don't know "how" you can find a safety net, but that's what my advice would be - try and somehow find a situation with a safety net, because without one, your brain may just continue to constantly shut down in a freeze survival response.

 

[Ecdysis]

I don't know if you're anywhere near Italy, but in a Facebook group I'm in, someone who has a holiday villa in Italy is looking for someone to live there for free (also free electricity and water, etc). just so they know someone is "there" to look after the house. I don't know if things like that might be an option?

In the country I live in, there are lots of free housing offers for people who are willing to help someone who's 70 or 80 or 90 around the house... Not like a "carer" or "nurse" but just stuff like vacuuming, doing dishes, doing shopping, mowing the lawn... because these older people, if they have no one to help them, they have to move into a retirement/ care home and they want to avoid it... So they provide a free room to a young person (often university students) who are willing to help them around the house and garden.

 

[arfie]

Mine is definitely not healthy. It's related to some trigger I haven't yet unpacked I guess. So instead of pushing me to action (which is what I might imagine you meant as healthy fear), it tends to freeze me into the ice age and get me to a state that takes a long time to get out of.

i meant that, at its foundation, the fear of eviction is healthy. it is good to have a place to live and feel secure. this is true, even for gypsies like me. even on the road, this fear motivates me to keep my hotel bill paid. not so much the flashbacks to my days of homelessness and my childish bewilderment of, "why were we rejected THIS time?"

I know it's not what you meant by small steps... but it feels like with every small job I am getting a little bit of my confidence for making invome back.

au contraire, ma chère, that is precisely what i meant. i apply the small steps philosophy to every aspect of my life, ESPECIALLY work and finances. when i was frozen into the ice age of flashbacks with an intimidating pile of overdue bills at my elbow, the presence of mind to accomplish a few hours of paid work was a triumphant small step and an all-important cornerstone to building the rest of my life. a few decades of those small steps have led me to where repurposing an old farmhouse on my own dime is a small step from where i am today. small steps add up and what constitutes a small step is highly relative. small step from where?

Work is all on my laptop for now, so I hope that can go in bigger steps.

i hope that the bigger steps will look smaller when you are ready for those particular steps. just hoping.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

In my early 20s, I was living in a country without an adequate safety net.

Same. Except I was born into one as well. Had I known PTSD wasn't something you get over with willpower in a few months, maybe I would have made different choices. Now I feel safe at the streets where I am (I mean as a general sense of being safe in my city, not about living), my studio is here, my people are here and I am even lucky enough to have a woman so close to me she's my best friend/sister now in this city. So this is a choice I wouldn't change now.

Hooowever I agree about needing safetynet. And I am making changes. And it's scary but also interesting and new and exciting. At least it's a flicker of light in the overall darkness. At least it's me trying to build something instead of only being stuck in frozen mode.

So I get it. I'm not sure what to suggest… I don't know "how" you can find a safety net, but that's what my advice would be - try and somehow find a situation with a safety net, because without one, your brain may just continue to constantly shut down in a freeze survival response.

not so much the flashbacks to my days of homelessness and my childish bewilderment of, "why were we rejected THIS time?"

That's where I stayed for a bit. Sometimes when it gets to me it's just what it is. Like I had one whole day of going though every emotion and being in bed.

i apply the small steps philosophy to every aspect of my life,

I was as well... until recently. Let's see where we are in the crazy saga I am having...
After few weeks of saying nothing, my landlord texted me to meet her in 1 day with the set of 3 bills for 2 months and 1 bill in cash (all the utilities that weren't paid due to the computer failing) plus 1 rent. I owe her more but she requested one. the amount altogether for bills was about the size of half my rent. At that moment I was just starting to get projects so it seemed impossible. I handled it and met with her.

So since I can't pay her what I owe her by end of June as agreed before the lack of computer for 6 weeks (which she seemed to 'understand' but not anymore) we will be parting ways at the end of June. After proper freeze and then freeking out, and some research I sort of got that any place I find, to have a month plus deposit, even with roommate, would still possibly amount to what I owe her. So since I have no choice- I will have to make the amount. But after contemplation I have decided I'm still moving. That woman is 'fully understanding' at one moment and yelling and demanding the next, whoever is right or wrong she is just bad for my health to be honest. I'm getting whiplash from the way she changes moods, I can't take it anymore. I said half a year back I should have moved and somehow nothing has changed.

So I have PTSD.
So I have DEBT.
I'm exhausted of managing crisis after crisis.

I was sort of scared for months of the general change in the world and wasn't sure what to do. Wanted to get back to art because it's the thing that always came easiest to me once I start, but it's so hard to start once I'm afraid of money. It came down to that. And anywhere I turned, online or offline, the market had changed. That was scary too. Things that worked before didn't, and I had no idea what worked nor how to do it. And I'm no longer 20 and feeling like I can do everything.
But I saw a trend that digital art has becoming constant demand whereas not as much the usual one. I saw a flicker.

I haven't had tablet for a while, I don't have a stylus and I've only done traditional art.
Still.
Where there is demand... there I saw the flicker again. Excitement. Something in demand, well paid, something which I have to learn a lot but also know a lot(I know drawing, I need to learn program, practice, make portfolio). I had neither a tablet, money for program, computer to support graphics program anymore, or a pen/stylus for drawing on tablet. But the flicker stayed. I found money for a basic tablet, set it up today and while I'm starting to do small jobs and saving for an apartment rather than for a visa for work- I am learning digital art. I've worked with Photoshop and Illustrator back in the day, it's the same idea with layers and all, I have basic tablet and no stylus- but I can make THIS work. I know I can. Because it makes me feel like a kid on Christmas.
Meanwhile I'll do what I can. Small jobs. Working what I find. Selling few mini items. Maybe. So much is changing, that I am just going with it. Even the tablet has so many more options that my last one had- even at the basic price. It makes me want to get up early and have a routine. It makes me want to learn. It makes me want to not panic over each amount I have to have each 2 weeks, but concentrate on one at a time-for example if I need to make 100$ in a week, find 5 ways to make 20 if I can't make the 100 at once. And each day, concentrate on figuring out only one way to make a 20 and if I have succeeded- it was a great day!
So far so good!

Imagination is magical for survival (which is I believe how I survived before, that and a healthy dose of dissociation).
I have spend months having the same small amount of money and dividing it between the bills by priority. I have spend years putting debts ahead of savings and myself. I have prioritized the wrong things and keep going in a circle. The bills aren't going anywhere and I have to move end of June no matter what. Digital art can pay for 50-100$ per drawing and that is the lower end. And if I can make it viable it can make me a solid income with working on weekends or around any usual job. This is building future. And it feels magical. And sure, I need to come off the 'new toy' high eventually, but hopefully I am not wrong (I mean I can resell it if needed. but I do think I can build something here).
Or I have possibly lost my mind because I have to move again.

Either way, I'm going with it.

 

[arfie]

So I have PTSD.
So I have DEBT.
I'm exhausted of managing crisis after crisis.

total empathy. i have --knock wood-- overcome the debt portion of that unholy trinity, but the other two remain and ? ? ? WHERE'S MY PERFECT LIFE? the good news is that the exhaustion of managing crisis after crisis is that i seem to be mastering the small steps technique to where those crisis storms are not quite so exhausting any more. or is it that my 69 years have sapped enough energy that i can't field panic attacks the way i used to?

Imagination is magical for survival (which is I believe how I survived before, that and a healthy dose of dissociation).

total agreement, on both angles. the gift of being able to imagine a better way makes for hope eternal.

Or I have possibly lost my mind because I have to move again.

inside my own skin, it is the proverbial losing of my mind which allows imagination to reign more freely.

Either way, I'm going with it.

every round is a guess and going with our best guess is really our only option. keep cleaning supplies handy for missed guesses.

for what it's worth
computer graphics were my main bread and butter in the 80's and 90's until carpal tunnel took its toll.