So last night I went to a friends house that lives out of the city a bit (I'm right in the heart of the city). I've been worried about the fireworks on the 4th of July since fireworks are a MAJOR dangerous trigger where I dissociate and have the flashback and everything and am generally not the safest all the time, not on purpose just cuz I'm not consciously aware of what I''m doing or act impulsively or whatever. There were fireworks last night. Led to me dissociating, OD'ing on some meds (luckily still at safe levels BUT is gonna screw me later on when I run out) and doing some other negative behaviors.
I had written my psych a "safety plan" for the 4th. I said I was going to have friends over or do something with them in the morning to take my mind off things. Be home probably before 4 or 5, and have arts and crafts, jigsaw puzzles, my coping skills box, etc all organized together neatly for me to have easy access to. Have lots of (non triggering) movies that I can play on my laptop, and use my sound reducing ear phones to listen to the movies. I told her I'd get heavy drapes for the windows to further block out sound. Have my aromatherapy anyimal with me the whole time, etc maybe be able to have a friend over if I could but if not then I felt likt I could deal with this on my own with this plan The plan also asked her if she would be willing to write a one time dose for a specific medication that has helped with the flashbacks/dissociation especially from the fireworks, she has done that before and it worked really well so that is why I asked but I told her I didn't want to ask for a med or put her in a position where she was conflicted about writing it so that if she didn't want to write for that one (or maybe two) little pills, then that was fine. I told her I had frozen oranges in the freezer already, those help ground me, worksheets and coloring pages to do, etc I couldn't think of anything else at all to throw into the plan. I mean, I've tried getting drink til I passed out, that's dangerous tho. I tried taking a shower, with ear plugs, with loud music, with a howling basset hound and a cat in heat in the room and that still didn't work. I also told her I'd get a lock box for my medications or give them to a friend or something so that I couldn't accidentally OD, I do that sometimes when I dissociate, not really on purpose I don't think just... looking to knock myself out or find whatever works or something. I told her I have playdoh and a bunch of pictures and other stuff in my coping box, friends I can call if I really need to and am not out of it enough yet, or maybe set up a specific time for them to call me or come over to check on me. I told her I talked to my PCP about it first, and we both thought me taking the medication (either what she will prescribe if she can or my normal meds) early, BEFORE the fireworks go off, and trying to be asleep by that time (in a HEALTHY way, from the meds, not from OD'ing or drinking or whatever) would be in my best interest, and my PCP told me the EXACT hours she is working in the ER (which she doesn't do often) and she said worse case scenario if I acted on an urge or the urges were too strong or I was disociating too much or was just too scared even or just needed a safe place, to go to the ER. She starts at 7, fireworks don't really go off too much before that, a little here and there but not the big ones since it isn't dark enough yet.
So I told my psychiatrist ALL of that, with a little more detail added in even, I thought it was very specific, detailed, lots of options, an all around amazing plan, etc and added the part about the ER at the very end, saying "as a VERY VERY VERY LAST RESORT" (yes, all in caps like that) "then I can go to the ER. As you know ER's are a very scary place for me to go to, an normally I wouldn't consider it, but my PCP convinced me this time it's definitely okay and that it can and will be a safe place for me to stay for the night if everything else on my safety plan fails and I am still having a hard time with that night and I feel very comfortable and confident with this plan, and my PCP has approved so i hope you will as well"
Great. Now I'm a failure and a waste of time, who also happens to dissociate and engage in dangerous behaviors when I do. I actually have wounds on my arm that SHOULD get looked at by a doctor, but that isn't allowed apparently, especially if the wounds aren't from like a fall- although I tried to go and say they were cuz they are still bleeding, say I was running and fell and cut myself on a metal fence or whatever, then I realized that MAYBE that wasn't the most believeable story, so I left without getting seen, all because of what my psychiatrist said. We had gotten along GREAT, then she left for four months, I wasn't allowed to see anyone else during that time frame, and now that she's back she is acting like a hormornal biatch (makes me REALLY want to make those shirts Mina came up with the idea fora while ago that read "blow it out your arse" and wear it to my next appointment with her.
I had written my psych a "safety plan" for the 4th. I said I was going to have friends over or do something with them in the morning to take my mind off things. Be home probably before 4 or 5, and have arts and crafts, jigsaw puzzles, my coping skills box, etc all organized together neatly for me to have easy access to. Have lots of (non triggering) movies that I can play on my laptop, and use my sound reducing ear phones to listen to the movies. I told her I'd get heavy drapes for the windows to further block out sound. Have my aromatherapy anyimal with me the whole time, etc maybe be able to have a friend over if I could but if not then I felt likt I could deal with this on my own with this plan The plan also asked her if she would be willing to write a one time dose for a specific medication that has helped with the flashbacks/dissociation especially from the fireworks, she has done that before and it worked really well so that is why I asked but I told her I didn't want to ask for a med or put her in a position where she was conflicted about writing it so that if she didn't want to write for that one (or maybe two) little pills, then that was fine. I told her I had frozen oranges in the freezer already, those help ground me, worksheets and coloring pages to do, etc I couldn't think of anything else at all to throw into the plan. I mean, I've tried getting drink til I passed out, that's dangerous tho. I tried taking a shower, with ear plugs, with loud music, with a howling basset hound and a cat in heat in the room and that still didn't work. I also told her I'd get a lock box for my medications or give them to a friend or something so that I couldn't accidentally OD, I do that sometimes when I dissociate, not really on purpose I don't think just... looking to knock myself out or find whatever works or something. I told her I have playdoh and a bunch of pictures and other stuff in my coping box, friends I can call if I really need to and am not out of it enough yet, or maybe set up a specific time for them to call me or come over to check on me. I told her I talked to my PCP about it first, and we both thought me taking the medication (either what she will prescribe if she can or my normal meds) early, BEFORE the fireworks go off, and trying to be asleep by that time (in a HEALTHY way, from the meds, not from OD'ing or drinking or whatever) would be in my best interest, and my PCP told me the EXACT hours she is working in the ER (which she doesn't do often) and she said worse case scenario if I acted on an urge or the urges were too strong or I was disociating too much or was just too scared even or just needed a safe place, to go to the ER. She starts at 7, fireworks don't really go off too much before that, a little here and there but not the big ones since it isn't dark enough yet.
So I told my psychiatrist ALL of that, with a little more detail added in even, I thought it was very specific, detailed, lots of options, an all around amazing plan, etc and added the part about the ER at the very end, saying "as a VERY VERY VERY LAST RESORT" (yes, all in caps like that) "then I can go to the ER. As you know ER's are a very scary place for me to go to, an normally I wouldn't consider it, but my PCP convinced me this time it's definitely okay and that it can and will be a safe place for me to stay for the night if everything else on my safety plan fails and I am still having a hard time with that night and I feel very comfortable and confident with this plan, and my PCP has approved so i hope you will as well"
She wrote back. This is where I start hating her. Actually, guess who there is a picture of on my dart board right now? Really... she wrote back,, literally her exact words were "that's not enough" and "that isn't good enough" combined with "The ER should NEVER be part of any safety plan even as a last resort, and I am really disappointed in you for even wanting to consider having it on there, if nothing else works it is up to you to figure out what does, and that can't be going to the ER and wasting their time"..
Great. Now I'm a failure and a waste of time, who also happens to dissociate and engage in dangerous behaviors when I do. I actually have wounds on my arm that SHOULD get looked at by a doctor, but that isn't allowed apparently, especially if the wounds aren't from like a fall- although I tried to go and say they were cuz they are still bleeding, say I was running and fell and cut myself on a metal fence or whatever, then I realized that MAYBE that wasn't the most believeable story, so I left without getting seen, all because of what my psychiatrist said. We had gotten along GREAT, then she left for four months, I wasn't allowed to see anyone else during that time frame, and now that she's back she is acting like a hormornal biatch (makes me REALLY want to make those shirts Mina came up with the idea fora while ago that read "blow it out your arse" and wear it to my next appointment with her.
