Triggered, New Flashbacks

[haltija]

About an hour or so ago, someone asked for details about a rape that happened when I was a teenager, like in detail, to better understand it. I thought I was fine to talk about it. I'm not fine to talk about it. Things came up that I had totally forgotten, bad flashbacks of details that were very significant.

I've asked to spend time alone now and I'm feeling uncomfortable and other things, keep coming up from the surface. The disassociation issue is not so much of an issue but now the problem is being alert and seeing it. Worse, I'm experiencing a weird random jerking that I've never experienced before and that's kind of tripping me out. I'm shaking and I don't remember ever shaking before.

This is new. I don't like it and I'm close to telling everyone off. (Not my family, but others.)

 

[Seagreen]

I was told the shaking and jerking is the bodies way of trying to release emotion. Which is not a Surprising reaction after talking about your trauma. Try walking it out or some strenuous exercise. You may find you will continue to have a range of unpleasant feelings over the next few days or longer. If you feel it is too much to cope with, see your therapist (if you have one) who will give you some strategies to provide relief. If that is not possible go to the emergency room.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

I'm experiencing a weird random jerking that I've never experienced before and that's kind of tripping me out.

After I did an EMDR session about abuse that occurred in my childhood and adolescence, that jerking ("abreactions" I think I was told they are) affected me a lot in the beginning -- sometimes several on a daily basis. Now, I only have them occasionally -- once a month during really stressful times. They are so disquieting. If yours are as violent as mine were, you might want to consider looking up some simple yoga moves for the neck and shoulders -- that helped me lesson the clenching I went through after those jerking spasms.

Please, be kind to yourself -- they are a testament to your surviving spirit.

 

[haltija]

Thanks all. As long as the jerking/shaking is part of the healing process, then I'll take it. It was something I had never experienced before and it was a little bit terrifying. The person asking was my guy and now I'm more worried about him.

I have had THAT ONE buried for a while and I don't really talk about it. My guy has been spying on the guys Facebook, which caused him to bring up the incident and he's not very happy. He's very protective over me and I answered things that were perhaps too detailed. I feel selfish in thinking that it was an only "me" issue to keep to myself, but he seems very angry. Not with me, but angry that he can't "do anything" about it. He says its unfair that the man is now living a happy life.

 

[haltija]

Update: He contacted him last year and all of his friends and now the guy apparently announced both of our names all over the freaking internet claiming that I'm a whore and we had a relationship. There is a ton of shit about me being a "whore" and not knowing how to keep my legs closed. He never even mentioned my name but it's on there now, along with my guys. I'm freaking out. I just want to hide and never be seen again. Freaking shit.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just a few things I want to mention....

I think its important to remember that our loved ones need to heal, but their healing process is very different than ours. I think that in many ways, the healing processes need to be separate as it is inevitable that we will heal at different rates. I don't have a partner, so I say this in reference to my parents. I was able to get to a point where I was able to literally flip a switch in my mind and say 'ok, my healing is now about me, not about HER (abuser) anymore'. My parents on the other hand, have carried around much pain regarding what happened to me, and have verbalized things such as 'I hope she dies a slow and painful death due to cancer'. I've let go of the perpetrator aspect of it all (I did so over 5 years ago) but I know that my parents still carry much anger and pain in their hearts. It was not long after I let HER go that I realized our paths were divergent, and that I had to give my parents time to heal on their own. There is nothing that I can say or do to hasten their healing.

I understand that your guy just wants to protect you, however I can't help but wonder what he is accomplishing by keeping tabs on this guy? At some point you need to let it go as its keeping you in a state of trauma. If your name is all over the internet, can you change your name? I am seriously considering doing this in the future as to break ties from my past. Its not about running, its about breaking free and starting again.

Is it helping you to know what this guy has said about you online? Somehow I don't think so. I am REALLY wondering why your guy is telling you all of this stuff now? I honestly think you need to tell him to back off and stop telling you all of the stuff he finds out about the guy who traumatized you.

As for the shaking? That's a sign to me that a BIG emotional flashback is coming on, and that I need to remove myself from whatever situation I'm in and get to a place I feel safe. Once the shaking starts, there is no stopping the flashback. At that point I have no choice but to let it rip through me so that I can get to the calm on the other side.

 

[haltija]

Thank you, Solara. I totally understand what you're saying. It would just be helpful to just move on the way you want to, but I understand sometimes people can't let things go. I understand that he cares and has good intentions, but I just need to be able to let go and move forward. I reported the posts, so hopefully they will be removed. I suppose they wouldn't be found again, but I'm paranoid and I come from a town where everybody knows everybody.

But this was eight years ago! I'm 27 now and I need to leave it there. That's not even what caused my PTSD, I don't think. There was so much else around that time and the fact I couldn't remember the majority of it is HELPFUL.

The only good thing about it was a lot of people wrote back saying they had a feeling he was a creep and another wrote back saying they heard rumors of him drugging girls. Funny thing, my friend ended up meeting with him as well, too. I don't know what happen but all I know is she told a friend of mine, "I should have listened to [my name]. [His name] took advantage of me." Still, it's all of his talking online and shit that makes me wonder if I really am crazy and the one or two people that were going along with what he was saying while they were calling me a skank. I suppose nobody would come outright and say, "Yeah, I did it. Please arrest me." I remember the before and the after. I don't remember anything else. I'm sort of glad I can't. I can't remember it.

IHe tends to obsessive over these things, because I know he really cares. Sometimes it's random, but this time it came up when I was making really good progress and feeling confident. It was just a bad time. He's been dry heaving and feeling sick. I'm frustrated and not wanting to deal with it. Just, BLEH!

Really sorry for ranting. I've always been most comfortable with writing and my family and friends don't know anything about my PTSD, so I guess I'm being long-winded and letting it out here.