Triggers At Night And Day

[holly go lightly]

Hi,

i am holly go lightly who has lived a life whereby abuse was the norm i have reached deep inside and know my triggers, but i can't seem to make them go away i meditate, use all sorts of tricks, but they still exist i go to counseling to figure out other people and my relationships i have been exposed to severe abuse as a child at a very young age and it continued for 19 years every form of abuse and tacit was used in addition, the siblings were abusive, so as you know, trust became troublesome

i don't do well sleeping now among others in the same room after a few things that came up this year
sleeping was an issue as a kid due to the abuse at night time, i was choked, hit, name called, told i should have never been born... many things went wrong, bed burnt while laying in it... so many things, hard to tell you all you can guess i have worked long and hard on all this for a long time

i have been successful in life despite all this however of late after being exposed to PDs in my life as friends, my trust has been altered again i was doing pretty well there for a while, but of late things have been rough

i went on a vacation this year with friends my roommate screamed out the first night thinking someone was breaking in the room she stated to me not to talk at all, this threw my heartbeat off i think it's like an alarm going off in my body i didn't sleep well at all i worked hard to go back to sleep, but since i couldn't get what was going on in her head, it threw me off and caused me not to sleep i had to wait, by her request, till morn... i was miserable silent treatment is troublesome for me...

in addition, a bpd friend went on another vacation with me she sent e-mails accusing me of abandoning her, but she set herself apart... i finally had to draw the line with her to Not communicate in e-mail form, to take a break since the name calling and attacks were strong i tried to get her to sit down and talk reasonably, but she never did show up at the appointed place and time the relationship ended in the form it was, it was deeper, now it's superficial

another friend i was close to went off when my mate and i went up north in june she got paranoid and others felt her fears... somehow, i got blamed for her being rejected for staying with these folks who invited us to their home my friends told me that they didn't feel comfortable with her since she was asking where they kept their gun on their secluded ranch like property she wouldn't talk to me or anything for several months, i got the silent treatment, even though i tried to smooth the situation over

long story shorter, i need help, i want to remain detached, but somehow alarms are going off i breathe deeply as well as i can and try to stay calm i can see that i am affected now much more than previously

i want to be able not to have that gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach i want to run from others now how sad after so much counseling over the years and exposure to my fears i am suppose to go on another vacation in oct., but there are too many people going and i fear a lack of sleep one girl stated i was to sleep with her in a double bed, i told her, i could not do that without some reservations i told her i will bring a air mattress and sleep on the floor or sleep on the couch i used the excuse that my spinal issues make me restless, that's true too, my back and legs hurt
i don't want anyone to fuss for me or draw attention, but i need sleep

how do i get over my issue i see clearly that tricks played on me at night were not cool, nor breathing down my back, nor burning the bed, nor choking me, nor hitting or name calling.... i need to feel safe

i can see i haven't felt safe among my friends now i asked my counselor what she thought i was in terms of labels, she said i wasn't bpd, npd, ocd... just me with a lot of awareness she said i need to choose light minded friends

i am spiritual, intellectual, i can communicate feelings, i process my emotions... i have been other directed for the most part, but i am learning how to speak up now i do have a hard time understanding others who don't think of others i learning self-respect and saying what i think, i am not heard always, though since i am small built, my friends had me sit on the hump in the back of the car which was oddly designed, i am bruised on my backside i have spinal injuries and it hurt, but they didn't listen to that, since i am small i must sit there with this jutting out metal seatbelt holder sticking me in the lower back i padded it, but it still hurt... what a dilemma one person tired it and had to give it up since she said it hurt and of course, i can deal with it more....

when we were on this last vacation, i couldn't understand why the girl next to me forgot i was there and she shut the door practically in my face i couldn't understand why she insisted certain things, she seemed like she was in her own world and not seeing others she talked about facts only and didn't pick up on cues that others don't like you knocking on their doors late at night i am so unsure of people now i think it has caused me to go into a ptsd mode

hopefully i will find ways to silence my ptsd triggers i can see i like being alone since i hate the alarm buttons going off

just got back from Ys,
holly who likes to go lightly and tread on no one

 

[anthony]

Hi,

Please read rules on basic grammar or all further posts will be deleted. You may wonder why people haven't responded, which likely is due to your failure to use basic grammar, thus making your post extremely difficult to read.

 

[holly go lightly]

I know grammar. Thanks. I was using the recent form of typing. Sorry.

Long story short, I have triggers after years of counseling. Do you know some skills besides meditation, visualization or behavior modification? I don't have a bad temper, just some uncomfortable feelings at times based on abuse. That's it.

I don't understand people who are unaware of others around them. I am other directed, but learning to speak up, state my wants and needs, and not internalize other people's issues. I am working on self respect first and then working on communicating my wants and needs.

Is that clear to anyone? I am looking for strategies for triggers. I am deeply aware of my triggers, but how do you undo your triggers like being calm and not feeling anxious when someone is screaming in the night? This is one example, to clarify what I am asking.

How does one get away from PD like people after being exposed to them for a lifetime? In other words, are we good judges of these PDs, if that is all we know? I am no longer engaging with PD individuals since it is exhausting, but will I be able to find other like-minded friends who are not PD? Can I trust my judgement?

 

[CraftyCath]

Hi Holly and welcome to the Forum,

Your story is a familiar one. I had friends who sent me vicious e-mails and know how harmful they can be. One friend had CPTSD which I also have but she wanted to control me, to keep me down. She also said some terrible thinks about my Son and tended to want my husband and Son's not to be here when she came. I understood her difficulties but it is their home so I refused She hasn't spoken to me for over 3 years, even though I asked to meet up and discuss it all. The other friend accused me of deliberately making her daughters depression worse which is a very cruel thing to say. We had been friends for years and she often lashed out at me. She was controlling, trying to make me go to her church and she sent me nasty e-mails. She wasn't diagnosed with a mental health disorder but In think she had a PD as she was often paranoid, saying people had said things and done things even though it was clear to those around her that this was untrue. I asked her to meet up somewhere public so we could talk; she refused and hasn't spoken to me since. She was my closest friend - I'm still grieving but am finally moving on. I have another friend who doesn't have mental health problems who listens to me rant and still cares. They are out there but making friends requires risk and the possibility of being hurt. I can't advise any further as I can make friends but seem unable to keep them. i don't let people get close and I don't trust either. I am grateful for the friend I have as she doesn't seem bothered by my 'weird' behaviour but being around only those with mental health problems can be detrimental.

I don't understand people who are unaware of others around them.

There are plenty of people who can't see past themselves or their own needs. Having PTSD can make us focus on our won problems when we are in pain but it also gives us an empathy for others who are in need Be careful, that empathy can easily be exploited and people will do it without a second thought. I have burned myself out for others and they have walked all over me - but not anymore! I'll still help people but it has to be balanced. I need time for 'me,' and draw the line at people leaching form me until I'm exhausted.

how do you undo your triggers like being calm and not feeling anxious when someone is screaming in the night?

I honestly can't help you with this as it is a big problem for me too. 'Ahhhhhhhgggggg!' I'm sure other members can help and i would like to hear any advice on this myself. There are so very good articles on the Wiki pages (on the 'home' page) that I found really helpful and they are now helping my husband to understand PTSD more.

I hope this was helpful Holly, and I hope more people will post. Meanwhile, I'm glad to meet you and I hope you find the site useful.

Cath[/QUOTE]

 

[holly go lightly]

Thank you, Cath! I sincerely appreciate your assistance. Thank you for taking the time, effort and for affirming me that I am not alone. This helps immensely.

I fight not internalizing things and becoming more scarred. However, this year has taken it's toll with friends. I am now much like I was when I was 19, after leaving my abusive family. Things have been set into motion again. I am fighting off all my fear with all my might. If I don't, I will not be among the sociable, which I have been for quite some time now. I am seeing most of my friends lack intimacy and the superficiality is getting to me now.

I tend to go into myself and find fault with myself when others go off the chart. I feel bewildered by their high tempers blaming issues, correcting and controlling behaviors. I am quite amazed how unactualized others can be. I appear nonanalyical, but I am not. I see everything as most adult children to from a highly charged family situations. I like being open, caring and spiritual in my pursuits.

I have had near death experiences so seeing LIGHT has kept me loving without trying too hard. However, when others are careless, hurtful or self-centered, I begin wondering where do I fit in? I don't like judging others, but I certainly need some form of judgment to be in healthy relationships. It's a balance of being compassionate, loving and detaching from others. It's hard when others are thoughtless and I am being thoughtful.

I think most people must have a strong core in themselves which does not allow for others to affect them. Is that it? I am working tremendously hard on establishing a core of calmness and strength whereby others can't waver me when they do insensitive things, like name calling, fault finding, blaming... I would never do that to someone, it is so against my values.

People are people with all kinds of problems and personalities. It's learning how to remain strong within and not allowing their stuff to affect us! That is the most challenging thing to do in this lifetime for me. In addition, it is a strong belief that we are good and whole as we are, that whatever comes our way is of little importance.

I do see the Unity in all as well as others' egos at play. When I can see this with little affect in me, I have conquered the most important lesson in life. Sometimes, I find that peace and detachment in life. When I do, life is easy! But right now since a series of things have happened, I feel like backing away from others and only being with people I feel safe among. I wish I never lived a life like this since it is a struggle and not easy.

Self-centered people seem locked in on some form of mysterious strength within that I don't have. I don't know what it is, but wouldn't it be nice to live a year without figuring out all this stuff?

I will continue to be disciplined to meditate. I found when my heart was racing up a storm through a night due to my roommate screaming, I could not get my meditation to calm my heart down. I was amazed that this did not work. She would not speak to me what was going on, so I stared into the darkness with a pounding heart for hours. I don't like living like that among others. I couldn't believe that this heart pounding experience set the tone for my whole vacation. I tried my hardest to calm down, but my heart was pounding away the entire seven days! Holy cow! What is wrong with me?

I can't take much more from others since their behaviors are upsetting my heart. I can not be among others if they are going off the chart with no explanations. She did tell me later that she thought someone was breaking in our hotel room, but that was too late.

How do I stop responding this way to events?

 

[CraftyCath]

Hi Holly,

You seem to know when a lot of your own behaviour is wrong as well as other peoples behaviour. One point however...

I think most people must have a strong core in themselves which does not allow for others to affect them. Is that it?

No body really has that strong core inside unless they are completely insensitive to others and their own feelings; dead inside. To live with PTSD takes a great deal of inner strength but it also produces empathy for others. We need that balance in life.

I love to people watch. If you study these insensitive people carefully you will probably find that they are insecure in some area of their lives. They may have had difficulties in their lives; no one escapes life unscathed but they do not have PTSD and therefore do not understand how painful it is for you. They kick off because they like to transfer their pain onto others by seeing another hurt - it makes them feel in control. In my last job something broke when I was using it. My boss came and started with 'typical woman,' and 'you are always breaking things.' I turned to him and in a controlled by annoyed voice told him, 'back off! I have done nothing wrong and I am not in the mood for your childish behaviour.' He then went much quieter and started saying things like 'Oh well, these things are crap and tend to break easily.' What a turn around! Another time someone had a go and I defused the situation with humour I don't always get it right and am sometimes badly triggered but I do try to stand up to people. BUT if a person refuses to meet you half way there is very little you can do. I tried with my friends but they will not meet me half way They want me to be what they want me to be - not who I am. I cannot be who I am not. I am a loving, caring individual who is intelligent and funny and very loyal. I have CPTSD, it is part of who I am I am not ashamed of it even if it gets me down at times.

AS for your friend screaming in the night. It sounds like something triggered her. To think someone is in the room is irrational unless she has experienced some trauma in the past that causes this response. Try to see her perspective - she sounds like she has had difficulties herself. Not easy I know when you are triggered, but perhaps if this happens again it might be a starting point for sharing. PTSD people often trigger other PTSD but they usually don't mean to. Just as your friend with PD triggered you. For her it was terrifying.

I suggest that you take time to be yourself Holly, do something you like and take time (within therapy) to find who you truly are. My T tells me that as I find who I am I will start to attract/be drawn to people who are on my wavelength. He definitely is!

I hope this helps. You can PM me if you like, I'll listen as best as I can.

Cath

 

[holly go lightly]

Thanks, Cath, I have been doing T for a year and have exactly the insights you do! I know my empathy has got me in trouble at times and it is a God send also. I keep the balance more now. I am as you are in terms of my traits.

I am not too sure that the individual on my trip had PTSD, she told me her past and it "seems" normal, midwest type values. She is highly factual with no emotions. She seems almost asperberger- like. She is rigid and not able to process feelings, but you may be right.

I have used my rationale to beat my odds. I used self-talk the entire trip, even though I felt stressed.

My T tells me that she enjoys talking to me and finds me to more evolved than most of her clients and that with my profile it would be very difficult to find others to relate to. She sees things as I do. I have read books, write on another forum to learn about PDs, and go to the Buddhist center... I try everything I know. I have been on and off in T for over 20 years. Detachment is useful and so are boundaries. I am happy I learned those, but I am no pro!

I understand my friend's terrifying experience, but she went right to sleep after yelling, I heard her snoring. I get it, but my heart raced all night. I don't lack compassion or forgiveness, I certainly don't understand not talking about it immediately to me. She acted like I was interfering with her sleep to ask what was that about? I don't drop off to sleep immediately after a terrifying event. Unfortunately, there were too many things going on this trip to avoid anxiety.

I see others around me as scarred too, but they are unaware. I see they try to put a slant on things that makes them look good. I truly get this and think it at the time.

Other things came up on the trip that were unsettling too. I don't like biting remarks as if the other person is "normal" when in fact their temper is at play. However, I forgive pretty quickly. I can see when someone is OCD like and causes others to follow their path on the trip. If I was attacked for handing out silverware to all, I just said, "Okay, whatever you want. I was doing it for everyone." Someone got mad at me and took an issue with me for being kind.

I think it's best to not say anything any more to anyone. I didn't discuss my past on this trip. The gal who yelled stated to everyone publicly that I did not sleep well due to her yelling, explaining her position, thinking there was an intruder. Yet, I hear no intruder, I am astute. Our friends supported her. I had told her it kept me awake. I wanted to keep it between her and me, not between a crowd.

Oh, well. I am going on another vacation with some strangers and friends. I am already in startle response mode due to this last trip and previous ones. My relationships have been affected, so I am weary. I have little to spare inside of me now. I am not into drama. There was other drama on this last trip and other trips (with BPD, OCD individuals). I just don't have it in me any more.

I don't just want to bandage up my insides to survive through ten days with others. I want a strong core! I did tell one of my friends going on the next trip the drama needs to be lessened. She told me she doesn't pick individuals like that because she tired of it too. She understood completely without me going over my past.

You are right everyone has issues. Alias, wouldn't it be nice if everyone could process feelings? I know that is asking too much. Some cover up feelings to sound superior.

I hope I find a strong core that never wavers!!! I don't like PTSD at all. I wish I could throw it away forever!!!

Thanks a ton,
Holly

 

[holly go lightly]

I love to people watch. If you study these insensitive people carefully you will probably find that they are insecure in some area of their lives. They may have had difficulties in their lives; no one escapes life unscathed but they do not have PTSD and therefore do not understand how painful it is for you. They kick off because they like to transfer their pain onto others by seeing another hurt - it makes them feel in control. In my last job something broke when I was using it. My boss came and started with 'typical woman,' and 'you are always breaking things.' I turned to him and in a controlled by annoyed voice told him, 'back off! I have done nothing wrong and I am not in the mood for your childish behaviour.' He then went much quieter and started saying things like 'Oh well, these things are crap and tend to break easily.' What a turn around! Another time someone had a go and I defused the situation with humour I don't always get it right and am sometimes badly triggered but I do try to stand up to people. BUT if a person refuses to meet you half way there is very little you can do. I tried with my friends but they will not meet me half way They want me to be what they want me to be - not who I am. I cannot be who I am not. I am a loving, caring individual who is intelligent and funny and very loyal. I have CPTSD, it is part of who I am I am not ashamed of it even if it gets me down at times.

I am sorry you had to go through this. I DO understand and feel compassion towards you. It is very similar to what I am expressing. I am not into people who transfer or displace their pain onto me without processing it. It's okay to have a bad day... Ya, I am not into the "Typical woman" crap either. That's what another gal on the trip said about me to me
when I passed out silverware to her and everyone. Why go there? What's the point?

No offense to anyone, but I can't carry everyone's feelings and problems, way they deal
with life on my shoulders any more. I have done that too much... I am not talking about you, but others I know. I am the same as you and there is little in return. Why can't they get some compassion going or some giving like skills? It's all too crazy like for me of late.

I am going to hold off for now knowing others. I need to go into my cocoon before I come out again. I won't discontinue socializing, but I am being cautious with whom I share with now. Most of the friends I know are way too surface like for me. I need to stretch out and find a different crowd.

I hope you do too. I hope you find others to affirm you and not discount you. That is my goal! Sending love, compassion and much hope to you, Holly

<Artistic posting is to be kept for the Chit Chat area only. Amethist>

 

[CraftyCath]

Hi Holly,

You are so right to watch who you are friendly with. People can be so insensitive and I often wonder what makes them that way. I guess they just don't want to change. You recognise wrong behaviour in people and I think you are a strong individual and cope with your PTSD very well. I hate it too when others try to transfer their junk onto me, we can listen if they share but hitting out at people is unacceptable. I, too, don't put up with that anymore. We are on a journey and sometimes friends are only there for part of that journey.

I hope you find others to affirm you and not discount you

I hope you do too Holly,

Hope the holiday goes OK,

Blessings,

Cath

 

[holly go lightly]

My anxiety is up after this last friend vacation. I can feel it and I have 2 more vacations with friends on the weekends. I can do those two fairly well without getting too anxious since my mate is there, but what about the other hiking one for ten days? I want to avoid it now.

Perhaps, I am overreacting since somethings were said that weren't affirming. I think my friends tend to make fun of others and I am reacting to that. I know it's light humor, but it doesn't settle well with me, probably due to my family's humor that was sarcastic and mean. I have to face them soon for my birthday celebration since my man is putting a big bash on for me.

I spent a lot of money, time and effort on getting rid of my PTSD. Now, it's activated again. I know if I focus on it too much, it gets worse. However, I know if I don't listen to my gut now, things can go awry. Dilemma? What to do?

You won't believe this, but I have a bit of a six sense about things. If I feel that funny feeling inside, things can go wrong.

An example: Even my dreams reflect some truth in reality. I had a dream last night about going to teach overseas, the dream was about choosing between the US and overseas. It was a long and detailed dream. This morn their was an announcement that today is the day Peace Corps started up in 1961. It's uncanny that I dreamed this in the morn.

Many times I will have premonitions of things that happen. For example, I dreamed about 9/11 two years prior. I told two friends how shaken I was from this and wondered if it had happened. I asked them about the news and a plane soaring into two buildings. They stated it didn't occur, but two years later, I was shocked to see this came true.

Is this crazy stuff, or is this just I am sensitive to things? Do you listen to your gut or force yourself out of your comfort zone? What a dilemma for me!

So, the question is my gut wrong? Should I listen to it? Should I shut it out as I have many times and have a bad time? Or is it just the PTSD talking and I should face my fears as I have done a lot in my life? However, my dreams are somewhat accurate. I haven't had one about this vacation yet, but if I do, should I heed it's warning? When I look at the date on the calendar, I get an uneasy feeling inside. What to believe is PTSD or some right on gut feeling?

Does anyone else feel this?

Holly