Trouble With Depression

[pianogirl]

Hey. I haven't been here in a while, due to time constraints. Hopefully with some upcoming time off, I will be able to pop in here more often to read posts more regularly.

I've had PTSD for about 12 years, but for the last 5 years I've been having a really difficult time with depression. Oh yeah, the startle and hypervigilence are still there, but man... the depression.

I guess I'm hitting a frustrated point because 5 years ago I was suicidal and made the choice that I was going to get better. Get back on meds, go to therapy. Get better. Maybe even get a better paying job in the mix, once I started getting my feet back on the ground mentally.

Well, despite some med adjustments, add-ons, and changes, I'm still pretty depressed. This time I'm trying exercising (and WILL stick with it, because it helps me physically at least) and an adjustment to a non-psych. med. They worked for a little while, but now I feel like I'm being tugged down again. I'm exhausted (regardless if I do or do not run). I'm mean and angry and weepy and even more exhausted if I get startled.

It's getting really frustrating to keep trying to achieve a full and complete life after 5 years of a severe depression. I used to think that my full blown PTSD symptoms were worse than serious depression symptoms, but now I'm not sure. They both are so very, very debilitating. I'm not able to hide my depression symptoms as well as I used to. I'm probably going to get another med adjustment in January, but this wait-and-see approach and setting up hope for every new adjustment is getting tiring.

I don't have something specific or concrete to say, but I really am just reaching out for support. I just need to know that others understand the depression end of things so that I don't feel alone. Ugh, I've been like this for so long.

Thanks again for listening to me.

pianogirl

 

[helena]

Hi Pianogirl,

Just wanted to say hi and welcome back. Am sorry to hear you have been suffering so badly but hope you will get the help and support you need.

Look forward to reading more of your posts

 

[GodSeeker]

Hello Pianogirl,
I understand that you want to know of anyone who's struggling with depression. I can tell you: your are not alone. I am facing depression too. I is not pretty to feel powerless with depression but you must not feel ashamed for that.
I think deprerssion is about energy. Its great to do sports, etc...but PTSD makes you consume twice, thrice or even more energy than everybody else in an a simple activity as taking a walk outside. It is like you have 100% of energy and when you go outside rather than consuming 2% as all people do you consume 5%. Now o the same math to the other daily activities. How do you end up.
You are not made of steel!!! when feel tired just accept it and rest.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi PG,

Depression has been one of my most constant symptoms throughout this ordeal, and worse in the winter, because I have S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder......

I have different levels of depression, but I am NEVER completely without it. Sometimes people don't even realize that I am depressed, unless I mention it, but when it's bad, well then, everyone kind of knows without having to ask...

I too exercise daily. I have a treadmill that I use. 30 minutes, twice a day, most days of the week..

I also had my Vitamin D level check 5 or 6 years ago. I was deficient, and my GP put me on 2000IU of D3 a day. I was retested 2 years later and she upped it to 3000IU daily. Now I am taking 4000 IU daily and my levels are still no where near optimal....... My level has only come up to 37, and the Vitamin D council recommends that a persons levels be between 50 and 80..

 

[pianogirl]

Thanks Helena, She-Cat, and GodSeeker for replying. It means a lot because I'm feeling pretty defeated.

I definitely know the sapped energy feeling, especially after an episode. With PTSD, I'm completely fried after a flashback, a bad startle, or a dissociation episode. This time, my "mini-meltdowns" exhaust me and affect me almost the same way, like my body was thrown against something.

A little while after I posted my first message, I had a meltdown at the mall. I was bawling and snapped out at a person who asked me if I was OK. All that because I kept missing buses and I just wanted to get home. It's ironic because I was in that area because I needed to pick up my Lamictal.

Anyway, I was so upset that I was behaving that way in front of people, I left the mall and walked down roads leading to it and nearby it and just kept sobbing and walking. At least I wasn't in earshot in people. I just kept walking and seeing the buses go by because I just didn't care anymore. I did call my therapist and thankfully she just listened. I touched base with her again today.

Well, at least I stayed home today because of the snow and just relaxed. I'm pretty worn out.

Thanks for letting me talk about this. I just can't believe I am falling backwards to where I started. It's so tiring.

pianogirl

 

[Deleted member 541]

Until you work more on your trauma, facing it, and pulling it all apart, and expressing your feelings on it, the symptoms will still be trouble to deal with. As sucky as that is to hear, it's the truth.. The good thing, is that you are aware of your symptoms, you are reaching out, and getting the help. So keep fighting.......

 

[somerandomguy]

I definitely know the sapped energy feeling, especially after an episode. With PTSD, I'm completely fried after a flashback, a bad startle, or a dissociation episode. This time, my "mini-meltdowns" exhaust me and affect me almost the same way, like my body was thrown against something.

I feel exactly like that too.

Anyway, I was so upset that I was behaving that way in front of people, I left the mall and walked down roads leading to it and nearby it and just kept sobbing and walking. At least I wasn't in earshot in people. I just kept walking and seeing the buses go by because I just didn't care anymore. I did call my therapist and thankfully she just listened. I touched base with her again today.

Well, at least I stayed home today because of the snow and just relaxed. I'm pretty worn out.

It sounds like you're being really good to yourself. That's great. Even if you feel bad, you're still doing nice things for yourself.

 

[jo74]

I agree with She Cat--working through it. It's difficult and sometimes can be more painfull than the actual trauma, because you have to disect it. You have to feel it, smell it, get all the emotional vomit out. It's a bitch, but it does help. I've yet to do it with my past trauma, but will be doing it soon.
Hope you're doing better.
Take care,
jo