Sexual Assault Trouble With Touching

[SinkorSwim]

So I am currently working on my childhood sexual abuse and I am feeling very triggered already. To the point I can't even touch my husband right now. My therapist says to tell him that I need to initiate the touching. Which he has agreed, but yesterday I could only kiss him once after trying to fight my anxiety all day. Is there a better way to go about this? I just feel guilty for not touching him.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm not married so this isn't even something I have to deal with yet but I certainly have a problem with touch. Maybe instead of going for something quite so intimate you should start with something like hand holding? Anything that doesn't feel as threatening and then move on from there.

 

[illusionist]

One of the things I had to let go of, as much as I could, was guilt for not wanting to be physically near my partner. I needed to get to a place where I felt free to do as I felt, without conscience or pressure. Once I got there, things genuinely did start to change...as I was free to focus on my feelings...not bunged up with pressure.

 

[heyheyhey]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, I think maybe just taking it slowly and trying not to beat yourself up too much for it (i know it's really hard >.<). Just trying something small each day and seeing what feels comfortable to you. There are other ways to show love and affection in the mean time, and it is really frustrating but it won't be this way forever - it will take some time to gradually build up your tolerance. Good luck **brews up warm comforting cup of tea**.

 

[illusionist]

heyheyhey is so right in saying that there are other ways to show your love and affection in the meantime......That's so important both to you, and your partner.

 

[J'qel]

Before my husband and I were married-when we got back together for the last time I was coming off an abusive relationship that I'm still not comfortable talking about. As a result, I couldn't even bear to be hugged by him. It was hard and I felt isolated, and I wanted to have a hug, or even affection but every time it happened I dissociated and when I came out of it I was chilled and frightened. It took time, and he was patient.

This is not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty over, and the fact that you've taken the time to recognize and deal with it should be congratulated. You've done more than many have, and you should be proud of yourself.

Try talking to him more about what's going on-it isn't physical touch, but it is a kind of intimacy-with the added bonus that you can improve your communication skills and he can be aware of what's going on each step of the way.

Be strong, be patient, and realize that you need to take care of yourself, or you'll be no good to anyone. <3

 

[SinkorSwim]

Thank you for all your kind words. It was just a very triggering night I guess for me. We actually slept in the same bed together last night which we haven't done in a month. My thoughts were racing the whole night. I have to remind myself baby steps. I often like to just go all at it at once but this is going to take some time. I will start with small things and keep talking to him. That's all I can do right now.

 

[J'qel]

That I completely understand. I'm here because I want to do laundry and clean the bathroom. Today I already swept and cleaned our entire upstairs, done the dishes, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, and scrubbed a few leftover pots that had been waiting by the sink. I really want to do more, I feel like I'm about ready to zoom into the stratosphere, but I know I need to pace myself. I've had a few low days before this and to succumb to the speed demon means I may have a bad crash.

One step at a time. Breathe, relax and take your time. It's hard, but worth it. :)

 

[turtlemoon]

This may sound really silly, and may not be helpful for you but it has helped me a great deal. I was raped about 6 months ago. Still feel like a bloody trainwreck, but at least able to touch my partner. Well, most of the time. And it isn't like everything is better in that department, but its progress and I'll take it. Anyways, we tickle. I know, I know. Silly. But it is playful, non threatening, nom sexual, silly, giggly contact. And for me, its helped so much. I don't think my partner realizes how much its helped. Havent really brought it up and only recently made the connection.

 

[SinkorSwim]

This may sound really silly, and may not be helpful for you but it has helped me a great deal. I was...

Thank you that is a great idea! I also think I need to spend more time with him. This weekend we spent a 6 hours in the car together. Then went out to see a band. We both just enjoyed ourselves the entire day and I really felt like we connected again. I gained a bit more trust as he is being better at not touching me when I don't want him to.

 

[Missycat]

Small steps as you have been doing ie spending time together, holding hands, gentle hugs. I was also going to suggest tickling as @turtlemoon says, i found it easier to do that and then build up to hugs and more sensual touching rather than 'sexual'. There are many times i still break down in tears but my partner understands as we have talked at length and she has supported me, she knows its not her thats the problem but the abuse.
Keep communicating also.