Trust issue with t

[ILoveLife]

I've been seeing this T for almost two years now, he's helped me a lot with a lot of my problems, we have a good relationship and he's a very good trauma T.

He has one issue though, he's not perfect as I would like him to be lol... he sees so many clients with so many horrific stories that he blocks out really traumatic stuff. Then asks over and over again what happened, making me miserable for the next couple of days. This has happened repeatedly, so...
Last appointment I kinda blew my lid and told him I wasn't going to repeat any of it again. Could've been nicer about it, but was really fed up of telling the same story. I start to get paranoid and think he wants to hear it for funsies, which rationally I know it's not true.

He was really nice about it and apologized, explained that is a problem of his (blocking stuff out), that's why he takes note of stuff, but then when I'm talking he doesn't want to break concentration by looking at the notes, and that's why he asks about it again. He promised to try to not make that mistake again.

But now I'm here ruminating, which I know is fairly natural for us, that he's not trustworthy, that I should just find a woman therapist and start all over again. I don't want to do that, so I talk to the part of me that is obsessing and eventually calm down.

The problem is, because of this, I have issues in going further into details and certain traumatic incidents, and I eventually block them out as soon as I walk in the room, or I can't disclose certain things and become really defensive (which can also come from the trauma) regarding issues like sexuality (I'm bi), choice of people in my life, general life decisions, etc.

I've had retraumatization from telling my story to people online once, that's why I don't do it anymore. I'm afraid of being retraumatized in therapy as well, even though he's generally very careful with that (aside from this particular issue).

Anyone else dealt with this problem or similar? Or general trust issues with T that you overcame?

 

[Lamename01234]

Yes I am going through it now. With two issues.
Different situation but same premise.
My friday session I need to talk to her about this and I am scared to death.
I can get very protective of my t and not want to share things with her in fear to it will be to much for her.
For a year I minimized a brutal dog attack I survived in fear the details would haunt her. I took a break for 5 years and returned, for a different matter that over the course of 6 months violent memories of sexual abuse arose right after I got married.
Now with sexual trauma I was able to engage in the beginning but now the protective things is back and words won't come out of my mouth.
It has been a month now.
What shifted for me was I saw her and her husband in the grocery store. Something about seeing her with her husband. Which I have many times before but this time it made me not want to talk.
When I see my t in her office, she is this asexual being to me, she advertises a safe space for LGBT clients and I always thought she was gay. After seeing her around town and realizing she is not, I got used to it, no biggie.
But now all of a sudden I have this sudden mistrust for her.
I lied to her about it because I don't want to see someone else.
I lied to her because I don't want to talk about it.
Yet I want to heal.
I want to stop lying and avoiding so I have to talk to her about it and I am terrified.
I saw an old reply you work in another thread where you said that you trusted you t 99%.
I can easily throw away relationship but committing to talk about it with her is me doing something different.
And hope we have the skills in our therapeutic relationship to get back to baseline.
I realize I will keep doing the somethings over and over and I am ready for something different.
And the ruminating thing is so hard.....

 

[ILoveLife]

I get the part about seeing her with her husband thing... I keep imagining him super strict with his wife, which he probably isn't. It's in my head, I know.

For me the being bi situation is because he kept question whether I'm bi or not, even though I kept telling him I am. I thought I was bi curious... I don't think he got the social pressure in the lgbt community and outside of it on bi folks. It can be really demeaning to be forced to choose sides, and it's kinda what he was doing and it pissed me off.

Good luck in talking to your T about your issues, I wish I have the same courage :)

* questioning
* he thought I was bi curious

 

[NightSky]

What is it that makes you not want to find someone new and start over? What keeps you with this T? I only ask to get you thinking about it. If my T forgot my traumas I would have a REALLY hard time with that. You shouldn't have to retell it because he doesn't remember. It seems odd that he would block them out. I'm glad you spoke honestly with him about it but I don't blame your difficulty with trust. I think that's a very valid concern. Not necessarily that he wants to hear you retell it for his own gain. Just seems to be an issue of holding space for your story and the importance it should have in the therapeutic relationship.

 

[ILoveLife]

It's his only fault trully, otherwise we've built a solid relationship and I don't want to start new. Also, we do IFS and there aren't any more good IFS therapists nearby. I don't want to run over an issue that can be resolved. But yeah, it seems odd. I'll have to speak to him about it.

 

[Beckstar1982]

I'm going through similar trust issues and can relate to both of your experiences. My T often asks me "whats his name again" or gets names wrong which bugs me and I keep wanting to be open and honest to tell her things I am experiencing but feel like she wants me to be getting better and I can't let her down. I also ruminate far too much about things she says or does and wonder why, what she is trying to tell me and whether she likes me or not. I'm 3 months into therapy and have just started EMDR which I'm really struggling with but she keeps assessing that I'm fine to continue/doing well because I don't tell her I've stopped sleeping, having nightmares, when I do breathing exercises or relax I curl up and start shaking, crying a lot again for no reason. I'm a mess and as worse as ever again but I go in there and smile and tell her the good things because thats what she wants to hear.

I agree if my T forgot a traumatic experience that I had told her already more than once I would feel rejected/low/wondering whether it was right for me and working.

 

[kilted]

This is a bit odd. If he is forgeting and it is important for you, ask him what he puts in his notes. It is normal for therapists to keep notes, both as an aide memoire, and to refer back to in order to see longer term trends in the case. Check out what his record keeping policy is and go from there.....

In addition a therpist shouldn't "block off" tough stuff.... yes therapists can't be 100% present 100% of the time, but that is their objective. If he is either blocking/dissociating, or his ability to be present is fading, then he needs to sort that out as it is a professional issue.... ask him if he has taken this issue to supervision...

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry to all of those in this position, I know it sucks.

Thanks kilted, I'll take that advice. :)

 

[Cannottakethis]

Just my 2 cents. If my t didn't remember my traumas and I had to repeat them more than once AND he told me he blocked them out, I'd be out the door. It could be retraumatizing to be repeating them over and over plus the lack of trust; or feeling uncared for..,Id need therapy to get over that therapist.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get that @Cannottakethis , but I'm making a lot of progress with this tdoc, it's hard to find another and I'm not really into starting all over again over just one issue. He's human.

 

[Tinyflame]

I actually don't see the problem with forgetting- I guess because there would be so many people, and I don't ever (personally) expect what I say to be that important to remember. But 'blocking' and a T? That is their field to help you with, isn't it? :(

 

[ILoveLife]

I will talk to him about it next session. Thanks everyone.