Trust Issues

[freya]

Another therapy session went wrong today, and I think it's because I fail to trust my therapist.

And it is NOT, I think, because he is not trustworthy. It's becoming quite clear that I very frequently simply misinterpret his words and actions.
For exampe: he tells me that he supports me and thinks I'm doing well with regard to a certain topic. But I just don't seem to be able to let it in. I still think that next time, or later on in the hour, he will judge me or change his mind.
He makes a simple comment and I just become defensive. He tries to explain what he really meant and I get even more defensive. I think this is part of PTSD, too.

I feel so sad and defeated about this right now.

And I really would like to know what to do about it.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcome.

Freya

 

[Deleted member 541]

Trust is a huge issue for people with PTSD, but you need to find a way to trust your therapist, or find another one. If you can't trust him, and you second guess, or become defensive with him, then you are defeating the purpose of being there.

Therapist are there to help...Yes, there are the therapist that are complete idiots, but for the most part there are really good ones, that love what they do.

 

[Grama-Herc]

The one thing I remember about my therapist is the length of time it took before I would really relax with telling him my "secrets".

Sometimes I would leave a session completely exhausted and other times I felt like it was a waste of time. Therapists lead us in directions and we have no clue they are doing it. They are trained to guide us to places we do not want to go, but not all of therapists are good.

If this is a new therapist or you just started with him, give it a little time. If you have been seeing him for a while and you feel this way, IMHO, time to find a new one.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. it is NOT, I think, because he is not trustworthy. It's becoming quite clear that I very frequently simply misinterpret his words and actions.
For exampe: he tells me that he supports me and thinks I'm doing well with regard to a certain topic. But I just don't seem to be able to let it in. I still think that next time, or later on in the hour, he will judge me or change his mind.
He makes a simple comment and I just become defensive. He tries to explain what he really meant and I get even more defensive.

Dear freya,

Perhaps you have to not only trust him but trust that he is correct when he tells you that you are doing well.

If he supports you and you trust that, he is on your side. His actions and speech should reflect it.

I personally find it very difficult to challenge or accept validation as to my self worth. But perhaps you shoud go out on a limb and just take his (positive) words to heart as much as possible. You have a good heart and going by your posts an excellent mind as well, I have no doubt. And you are working very hard to manage this.

Perhaps it will help to ask yourself what you are getting defensive about? At the core, do you think the subject is too raw or is it hard to fathom the validity of his positive comments?

Does thinking he will change his mind have more to do with feeling that you are not entitled to the positive feedback, or you will fail ("him" and you?), sooner or later?
-Sounds to me like perhaps he's trying to convince you of positive truths about you and your progress, but they may be hard to fathom in your heart of hearts.

Try to persevere. Sometimes the biggest revelations come when we least expect it.

Love Meg

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi Freya,

I'm just starting therapy and I too have trust issues with my therapist. I do think it's definitely part of PTSD. Something terrible happened to us that shattered our trust in either someone or something, and it's hard to let our walls down and put ourselves into another vulnerable position.

You mentioned that even though he tells you that you are doing well, you expect him to later change his mind. I feel exactly the same way. And every time I reveal some inner feeling of mine, I think to myself that this time I've finally revealed too much and he will now change his mind about me.

Also for me, part of the issue of not fully trusting my therapist has to do with my need for control. If I'm in control (or at least think that I am) of most things in my life, then I feel safe. However, in the therapy relationship I feel like he is in control and that scares me.

One thing I try to do in regard to all of this is to look at it logically instead of emotionally. I realize that the more I can force myself to open up to him despite my fears, the more he will continue to support me and not reject me, and then I can learn to trust him more each time. Each successful time will build on the last, until I feel that I can fully trust him.

Also something else I do when I see that I've become defensive with my therapist is that I try to take a step back in my mind and look at it logically instead of emotionally. Then I sometimes see that there might be another meaning behind what he's saying, other than the one I've immediately assumed.

I know what you mean by feeling sad and defeated over the whole thing. I feel that way at times too. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are so brave for even doing this work in the first place, and each day brings you one step further on your journey. There will be days that are better than others, but just keep going and you will make it out on the other side a stronger, healthier, and happier person than when you started.

 

[cherryblossom]

I know trust is a HUGE issue for me, and I suppose it is for many other with PTSD, so I really feel for you. If you believe that maybe this therapist can help, then give it some time, and give him a chance to earn your trust. It does take time to build up a rapport. You say yourself that "it is NOT, I think, because he is not trustworthy", so give both of you some time. Maybe start on the easier topics and work your way up to the more difficult stuff.

regards
CB

 

[freya]

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm doing better by now.
I'll try to offer some more information.

My abuse had to do (among other things) with hours-long of 'debate' or discussion with my father who would not let me go before I was exhausted and agreed with him. (He had PTSD himself and he felt driven to 'protect' me from life's harm by making me do as he thought was 'right' or 'safe', I think).
So now when I share my opinion (especially if it's my opinion about myself) with a 'father figure' (and my therapist is indeed an older man), just beginning to speak about myself (about my opinion of myself) in itself brings up intense feelings of fear and re-living that feeling of being cornered and having no way out while I was being told that just about everything I think and feel is wrong.

So what happens in therapy (and my therapist is really a life coach, he has not been trained as a psychologist) is that he states something about me, meaning really well, and I fall into this pit, become scared and blocked, and defensive, and I can't get out of that state any more.
I just can't believe it when he says he really is trying to support me. (This while there is plenty of 'proof' or indications and things he's said that 'prove' that he is meaning to support me).

I've been with this coach/therapist for almost 6 years. I picked him myself after putting up with a lot of nonsense and patronizing from the people appointed to support me in the official mental health care system.
So I worked with him quite a long time already, also before my diagnosis of PTSD was made by my psychiatrist.
I like him and I feel he's very (very) dedicated. He had no experience with PTSD but still he tries to support me as well as he can, I think. Finding somebody else would be very hard and would also mean I have to start 'all over' with getting to know a person well enough.
As a coach he's helped me tremendously in inspiring and motivating me to reach some of my important goals and develop myself and my talents. He's also offered A LOT of emotional support and insights. He has also had a long training in spirituality and that is important for me too.
There's no way I could find anyone like him in the regular mental health care system here in Holland.

I have started to see a psychologist who is specialized in trauma and PTSD not very long ago, besides this coach. I don't have 'access' to him as regularly though; I see the trauma therapist every four or five weeks.

Also, it's true that I'm working on very, very deep issues with the coach/therapist now. So I guess I should not be surprised to have this type of trust issues come up? I think?

So mainly, I really think that the problem is within ME and not with the therapist. I could find someone else, and get the same problems, I think.
So if there is anything I can do to try to be more trusting, all suggestions are welcome.

Freya

 

[freya]

Meg, Junebug, thank you so much for asking those questions. They are very helpful.

They make me realize that yes, I'm getting defensive because I'm trying to move forward and make some positive statements about myself (statements that HE, the therapist, made FIRST!). Still I think that when I word them myself, he's going to turn around and attack me for it.
It hurts to realize that this is what's happening, but I think it's good to just face that this is what is going on. And maybe cut myself some slack, too. I do have good reasons to be this scared... (I think?).

Freya

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear freya,

I think you are doing great and you've really expressed yourself very eloquently. It certainly sounds like speaking with him (because of what occurred with your father) is a Giant Trigger, as you've described. I would suspect because of your past experiences that a female Therapist wouldn't be quite the same trigger, but it is also good to face and overcome triggers as much as is possible, too.

If you've recognized that much maybe you can now concentrate on that area; just practise applying the same techniques you would for any other trigger.

Can you show him your response that you posted here ("1:30 pm")? -I think it would be very helpful for you both.

And great for you, you are attacking it from every angle possible.

You're gonna get through this I feel with flying colors. The hardest stuff is just that, -the 'hardest stuff'!
Hang in there,

Meg

 

[cragger65]

Wow, excellent thread and some excellent responses. I have exactly the same problem in general with both my T's. They are both women, and it feels like throwing myself on the sword every time I reveal an issue - that they will flip and tear me to shreds. Or the classic, just completely reject me in disgust for my flaws and weaknesses.

Something you've got to work with is "What are you telling yourself that counters their positive statement?" The stick figure technique can crystalize those thoughts for me well quite often.

Best of luck, keep working at it,
Dave

 

[heather q]

Another therapy session went wrong today, and I think it's because I fail to trust my therapist---frequently simply misinterpret his words and actions. ---I still think that next time, or later on in the hour, he will judge me or change his mind.--- defensive. I think this is part of PTSD, too. Freya

Freya, I think it maybe it's part of the process, I do a very weird thing, at the time I may understand what he, T, is saying and on the way home I manage to turn it around, either against myself or against him, sometimes I can see that I'm doing it and remember the office interpretation and also be aware of my normal pattern of reacting, which is lagging behind. I often have to ask him to go over it again so that I can settle it in my mind. How he remembers it I don't know, because half the time I don't.

I trust him, but I have bouts of not trusting him and I wonder if he knows anything at all, so I think they are normal fluctuations in the process of healing, he has told me that he is pushing me in relationship to a more functional level so that I can have better relationships, sometimes it seems totally not worth the trip and I feel like quitting, other times I'm immensely impressed that he sticks by me, I'm glad he's there for me and it is only now that I can actually stand up to him and disagree with some things he says, in which case we have to go through an 'interpretation' dialogue which helps the understanding on both sides, he doesn't profess to be an expert which allows me to allow him to rethink some things.

I have had some really bad therapists, it sounds to me that you are dealing with trust issues and it's opening up some old wounds, so it is difficult to see what's going on because your in the middle of it, which means hopefully you're on the mend and it'll get better.
It's good to hear from you,
A good post, thanks,
Heather

 

[trapped]

I can definitely related to everything everyone has said on this thread so far! My last therapist was horrible- she straight out told me in an email that I was not important and had been a waste of her time. And yet, I've been SO reluctant to stop seeing her. I didn't really trust her, but at least I knew to expect her to hurt me regardless of if I trusted her or not.

The new therapist I just started seeing (had the consult with her last week, our first official appointment today), I actually really like. She feels safe. I've NEVER experience therapy as being a safe place (and I've been in it for years). Right from the beginning, she's felt safe. I've told her things that I normally wouldn't have, today we even talked about some things that would normally send me into an anxiety attack at best, a complete dissociative state at worst... but I didn't dissociate, didn't have flashbacks, didn't have an anxiety attack. I was a bit tense and anxious at first, but I think that anyone would be starting with someone new... and she didn't push me, and she felt really nice to talk to, she actually LISTENS (believe it or not, most therapists I've talked to don't even seem to be able to do that well, if at all), she remembers our conversations and emails better than I do. And she had art supplies, and had them out so if I was curious I could go and explore and play with the art stuff, but she didn't force me to. I was sure she'd yell at me if I didn't immediately go and start doing art stuff, since she took the time to set it all up for me today. But she didn't and she let me take my time to be curious about it, and then she was fine with me just taking some of the clay and taking it back to the other side of the room with me and just sort of moving it around in my hands, just playing with something tactile like that seems to have a really calming effect on me, and suddenly every ounce of fear or anxiety totally went away and I liked her even more... but because of how comfortable I feel, I'm TERRIFIED to go back. It's different. I haven't known safe at all in my life. Safe and comfortable and relaxed are totally unfamiliar territory.