Trust

[einzelganger]

Saying I have trust issues is an understatement.

In the past, I have told my girlfriend and meant it that I haven't trust anyone more on earth than her.

Recent events: Something important to me (that she led me to believe in the past changed). She withheld information which resulted in her misleading me. I asked her why and she replied that I wasn't the easiest person to be totally honest with. I dropped the topic.

The next day, I told her that what she said shook my trust in her.

Her reply: "I can't be with you."
Me: "What?"
Her: "I can't be with you."
Me: "Why?"
Her: "Because you don't trust me anymore. And I won't know how to act around you. I can't live like that. So I can't be with you."

I was in disbelief. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to work it out with her, discuss it but it was a deal-breaker to her. I had two choices. Convince myself and her that I did trust her or lose her. We talked more and are still together.

Putting the trust issue aside, what bothers me the most is the fact she wasn't willing to work it out with me. This whole thing has made me feel like I wasn't worth it because she could so easily left me go. Am I over-reacting? Should I let it go? Mainly, I don't trust myself when it comes to her.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Uh Einzelganger, that is a difficult one to answer. It is always hard to give good advise when you feel like you have just arrived in the situation and only know fractions of the story, but I guess it is the terms of an online forum. :)

I don't know you and I don't know her, or anything about the dynamics of your relationship in general, so keep in mind that my reply to you will be based only on what I know from your post.

To put the blame on you for not being totally honest with you, is not acceptable behavior in my book. It is about not taking responsibility for her action that shook your trust.

Then it seems like it went further: She shook your trust, and then she can't be with you because your trust is now even more shaken. It is kind of like peeing on someone and then afterwards tell them they smell. I am not a fan of that kind of argumentation! I find it very manipulative. So no, I do not think you are over-reacting. (In fact, I do not believe there is such a thing as over-reacting, there are only different reactions to different things, but that is a another story entirely:).)

 

[Phenioxrising]

Trust is touchy, I trust someone till they give me a reason not to trust them. Then, we can talk the dissagrement over or give silent treatment till their willing to work things out.

 

[Pencil]

This sounds like an example of kettle logic - and it is something people employ when they feel guilty about something ...

 

[Phenioxrising]

Could also use it on ourselves and not judge ourselves as harshly. IMHO

 

[saffy]

Hi einzelganger

I have deep trust issues too. Maybe deep down she has too?

She was very quick to turn the take your comment personally. Either that or she is actually hiding something?

Did she take your comment as you not trusting her with being open and honest with you or not trusting her about with the actual actions she felt she has to hide?

Communication can be taken the wrong way, in my experience. But it is good that you are both still together, It at least gives you a chance to build on this trust issue together and learn to communicate better.

I don't think you have over reacted but I do think you are giving up too easy based on what you have said, anyway. It is so easy to say sod it I cant be bothered. Maybe you can question yourself whether you actually really want this relationship?

I understand your point though. It takes ages to build trust and five minutes to break it.

Don't give up yet hun :)


Best wishes
Saffy :)