Trust

[TLight]

urghh, still trying to just get this out...........
I know they have no idea what the agonies of PTSD are like. The agonies of an entire life spent trying to deal with it.........I understand that.

But am I out of line here? Wasn't this all just a bit too cruel. Christ, they have no idea how utterly terrible and tortuous my life has been? The destruction of my health, the hallucinations, the intensity of the constant triggering..........so many times the relief of suicide is not a 'self-pity' thing at all.........it's just utter relief from the torment of this life! Geez, what did they think? I was just trying to get attention? People have not freaking idea what this is like, although I tried and tried to explain that my brain is INJURED and I have to someone deal with all this..........

Geez, I took care of that guy through chemotherapy, waited on him hand and foot......researched his illness constantly, made his food, rubbed his head everynight, gave him massages............I can't tell you how pampered he was. Then I was accused of going after his Mom's money? I am so not that person. I helped him......gave him a home when he didn't have one.

And Linda.........I was there for her when she was going through a divorce. I made sure she had birthday celebrations, some place to go for the holidays, etc. etc.Worried about her overworking........
Freaking 'caretaker' personality is totally gone, let me tell you.........now I'm entirely in the space of "what's in it for me?" "what are you going to do for me?" This is not my basic nature..........but what the h*ll. I'm becoming the a*sshole....sorry folks, just getting it out, really..............sort of got reactivated this morning.

Yes, I guess you could say I will never trust anyone ever again........should have seen it coming with these two. I did have clues..........but just thought they were good people and would have compassion like me. WRONG

 

[jeapea]

Isn't the conflict in all of us, where trust is an issue, due to the fact that we are, in fact, trusting individuals in the first place? Aren't all humans vulnerable in that area...? And isn't being vulnerable the key point? What do we do that makes us more vulnerable in certain situations? I ask myself.

My trouble is trusting myself to trust myself. Whether I was responsible for the breach or not. ie. bad choice in men. or external, uncontrollable events. Or being educated about certain types of people...

So, I take more than my share of responsibilty for those breaches in trust. Bad idea. I justify that thinking with "if I don't, who will, someone has to..." then, how do I fix this???

Does this make sense to anyone else?

 

[Deleted member 541]

T,

So you MAY have made bad choices in having the jerk of a boyfriend, and Linda as a friend. But then again, they may just be the type of people that can't handle/don't have the compassion within themselves to help others.

Which ever it is...The way that I see it, and I could be wrong... Their not being able to help you is THEIR issue......Not yours. You stood up for yourself, did what you had to do at the time, by throwing his ass out, and telling Linda that what she did was hurtful Good for you......

What I see is anger issues with you and not so much trust. You are angry with them, and probably have every right to be. But at some point you need to be able to let go of the anger, to be able to focus MUCH NEEDED emotion on YOURSELF.... You can't do this when the anger is all consuming....

You are stronger than you think you are........

 

[Kunoichi]

I'm glad you brought this up! This is something i have trouble with too...

Because i was isolated and controlled for so many years and all my decisions had to pass through my abuser and what he thought..I have a hard time trusting myself. And I'm scared all the time I'm going to end up in that hell again. How do you start to learn to trust yourself?

 

[TLight]

Yes She Cat;
The anger is still there. I'm trying to get it out however I can. I wrote letters to these people, have done a lot of beating sticks against trees......writing, a lot of writing. I suppose that's why I went into that rant.....trying to get rid of even more of it.

A person just gets so dang tired of being treated like crap. Chauvinist, pig bosses that love to make women cry, the sexual harassment over and over, the childhood and family abuse.....then the complete physical and mental breakdown from it all.

Yes, I feel like lately the anger and resentment is lessening. I'm just sick of carrying it around. Part of that is leaving it here on the forum. A great thing. But I do feel that I'm almost done with it. AND I DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF IT..........so I'm learning how to read people's character and get the heck away when I see these things I've learned.
ps......thanks for seeing how cruel they were to me. Unbelievable...My 'innocent' side just is appalled at how other's can behave. But I don't want to be on the receiving end anymore, that's for sure.
Thanks..........the anger has been my biggest problem. Hardest to work on. But I feel like it is lightening up the past few months. I'm feeling more peace lately, much more.

 

[TLight]

Kunoichi;
It has been difficult to learn how to trust myself......I think it is a lot of what Dylan said. Just being present in your body is a good place to start. Not being a 'people pleaser' which has really been one of my downfalls.
As a severely abused child, I learned to take care of the emotions of those around me in order to not get hit. Then I continued into adulthood, always vigilant of keeping those around me happy.....bosses ,etc.

I once said to someone; "I've always been one of those types of people who wants to make life easier for other people." He said, 'that's why you get taken advantage of all the time.'
Boy was he right........but I was just doing what I was taught to do in order to survive the hell I grew up in. It was the only power I had at the time.

Now, I've become selfish in so many ways.
Trusting yourself? Well, for me it's about paying attention, listening very carefully, sensing who is going to possibly be a jerk, and then doing what I need to do to take care of myself around them..........and NOT COWERING.
And when I get a few clues, not doing a disservice to myself by ignoring them and thinking them good anyway.

With the ex, we once attended an AA meeting together where a woman was balling in agony and had to go outside. He said; "she's a lost cause, thinking that God will save her...humph' He said this very sarcastically. I should have stopped right then and there and gotten the heck away.......no compassion! Judgemental! What kind of human is that? Instead, I ignored it because it felt safe being next to someone who was even-keeled, stable emotionally, a rock............but a noncompassionate, self centered bum in the end.

 

[midi]

Tlight,

Please don't kick yourself for past mistakes. You did your best at the time. My Ex was a medical professional who got off on watching people close to him react to drug interactions--and yet I still stayed with him, so... As nurturers and partners, we want things to work out, so we have trouble acknowledging all the negatives until after it's all said and done. We have to learn to feel safe and centered in our own being, which is really difficult. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Esther]

Tlight, I was feeling for you so much reading that. With what you have been through it's understandable trust was broken, but not all people are like that.
My trust works like a circle- my family is closest, then two other friends that I trust completely. It took about three years to get that close to them. Then there is another four people I tell somethings too, and so on until it gets to strangers.

I am friendly to everybody, but I give people little bits of trust at a time and see how they go. It's a mistake to either trust nobody or trust people too quickly, both lead to hurt.

 

[TLight]

Thank you Midi;
Boy, sure took a toll on me though. The stress from these bad relationships and the confusion when you realize someone is not trustworthy and not the person you thought they were......the betrayals.
Can one die of a repeatedly broken heart?
At one time during my healing, I actually allowed myself to 'feel' the pain moving through my heart center. It was tremendous, it bowled me over onto the bed with its intensity. This was not throwing a crying fit or anything like that. It was the actual feeling of the brokenness the very depths of my heart center.
I still feel it at times, but not like that night. It was good, powerful, and the pain I have stuffed within me for years was huge.........just enormous. It is very hard to explain.

 

[midi]

One of my friends felt that nobody was there for her, that she was alone (she wasn't, though, for she had close friends). She was grieving over a breakup and they still hadn't worked the house and finances out. She was so anxious and felt very sick--and abruptly died of a heart aneurysm. Her legacy lives on (through a memorial and things), but I really believe it was a broken heart that she died from.

When my Ex humiliated me by using another woman as the public prop, I physically felt something in my heart break. These physical sensations are probably what started the initial customs centred around the heart, like V-Day and so on...