Trust

[Jimmy1]

Who do we as veterans with PTSD really trust. When you think about it, when we make the change from civilian to a military person, we learn to rely on our team mates, or the person next to us, and we also learn to rely on our leaders to keep us safe and out of harm.
When the bullets start flying, or the mortars and rockets start landing, or even the explosions of grenades and IED's start going off, when we come through that, we form a bigger bond with the person next to us or our leaders.

Unfortunately, the bond we formed with our partners or children I think is shattered when the bond with our mates and team is forged in battle. This is why we find it so hard to open up to someone other than a fellow veteran. This is why we keep our feelings from our loved ones. This is why we change.

Thoughts????

 

[Zipperhead]

I don't know what to say to my wife. I can tell a vet anything, no stepping on egg shells, and I get support. Civis? All you get is a million reasons why you are wrong, or why what your doing won't work. In the military, the saying is "I don't want problems, I want solutions." Civi's don't get this. I always feel they are looking down their nose, or are incapable of understanding. Either way, not much help.

Al

 

[willis williams]

My new trust issue came when my child was born addicted to narcotics. The Dr. had my fiance on pain pills for her back and what turned out to be fibramialga but the deal was she couldn't take them three months prior to delivery. I was blind she kept taking them getting them from so called friends and getting into mine just enough so I wouldn't know because I rarely take them 1 month supply will last me 2 months so I dont count them. I finally caught her when a bottle of ninety I had only taken 15 went back a week later and there were six left I flipped because I had defended her in the hospital because the way Taylan was born blamed the Dr.s hell even blamed myself because she got pregnant right after I got out the VA nut house. She had gotten addicted when they were prescribed and didn't quit she was getting them from six differant people right under my nose. I never would have though the one that would betray me the most while indangering my child would be her. I was very selfish of her and I still don't know if I can let it go. I am trying and it is very hard. After I f*ck the first drug dealer up right at his house I realize I was still deffending her actions they didn't come to her she went to them. I would have kept on the rampage but unwanted advice from law enforcement detered me. She is under the care of a specialist and is following all her meds to the T i make sure. I have one blown disc and two herniated discs according to the new findings and I refuse pain meds I will never have a script again because I wasn't smart enough to see I contributed to four weeks of DT's in my new born he had to go on another narco then ween off that. He is very healthy and happy now but I lost my trust for her and even though I love her she broke the loyalty. I am going to PTSD therapy once a week and trying to bond with my new son. I just want to rewind the clock I was so happy with her understanding my ptsd but she didn't or she would never have broke the trust. Well I'm just whinning now I will sort it out. Had some fun for a couple weeks while Matty was here and things seem to get better each day but there will never be full trust again. She even ask why I refused meds if it was cause I didn't trust her I looked her in the face and said hell yah. Thanks for the bitch had to put it somewhere. I am not apposed to any responce either it helps me put more of the pieces together and I trust my brothers and sisters on here. TEX

 

[Jimmy1]

I don't think there is anything anyone can say to that Tex, thanks for sharing and letting us know what your going through. It must be hard dealing with the disc's mate. I know I was nearly cripple prior to surgery and there is no way I could live without pain meds.
I give you full credit mate. Hope all goes well

 

[Zipperhead]

Is our ability to rebuild the trust affected by the PTSD? I am also in a situation where I can't seem to get over the feelings of betrayal. Don't get me wrong, the situation isn't even near as bad as you've experienced. And yet still I can't forgive her for the comparitively minor infractions she has dealt me. How can we get back what we had before? Is there hope out there?

Feeling lost today. I know this isn't helping you deal with your situation. Glad to hear that the carpet commando has recovered. I have also been off the pain meds for my back (1 prolapsed, 2 compressed) since March. Thinking that might be part of where I am now. It's hard to be rational when your always in some degree of pain.

Al

 

[Zipperhead]

I saw something else in that post that has made me think. You said "She even ask why I refused meds if it was cause I didn't trust her I looked her in the face and said hell yah." I can't count the number of times I have done things that were maybe not in my best interests. Things that other people can readily identify and say "why's he doing that?" And the only answer I can give is "because they wanted me to", or "because she expects it, and my own feelings are irrelevant."

Is the poor me syndrome part of the PTSD? It seems sometimes I go out of my way, to extremes even, to show how unreasonable other people are being. I threw $3,000 worth of stuff in the garbage because my wife asked me to clean up my mess. It was my stuff, on my table in the basement, not in anyones way. And now I don't paint anymore, because I had to prove a point. I stopped playing the bagpipes because my wife said I was spending to much time at practices. That's not the only reason (shrapnel does bad things to exposed fingers) but in the end, I never really tried to get back on the pipes because she didn't support it. I stopped taking meds for the pain because, well I don't really know why, but still it goes toward the poor me angle, the need to be a victim.

I'm not saying that you don't have a really good reason to try to keep the narcotics out of the house. If anything, you have a need to keep them out. But to say "I'm in pain because I can't trust you" seems to be the same way I would have done it. I'm doing this because of you. I'm the victim. I can't help it. I do it all the time. I want to be the bigger person. I want to prove that they are wrong. I want people to look at me and say "that poor guy, doesn't she realise what she's doing to him?" I've never really thought about it before. I just went on saying "I'll do it her way, even if it kills me" and being bitter about it. No wonder I don't trust her, I've been letting her distroy me one little peice at a time for 3 years.

Your case seems to be the extreme scenario. You are in a really bad situation, and I can only pray that you find away back to a workable solution. I probably wouldn't have been able to handle that situation near as well as you seem to have done. The carpet commandoes keep us going don't they? Sometimes all I need to feel it's worth living, is a little hand holding my finger. Once my kids old enough to say "I hate you dad", I'll probably die. It's really the only thing that keeps me going.

 

[willis williams]

Points taken. I am not at the point of using the paln and such as an excuse yet I just do less. She is breast feeding and I don't want to give her a chance to give my child more not at my expence. So I see it as a sacrifice for my child. Just like those we gave or are giving for our countries no pain no gain. It is to the point I don't even want to have sex with her and I love sex. After the truth came out I developed a form of erectial disfunction. The therapist said this is normal because of the betrayial. In her defense she is an excellent mother to my kids and maybe I should blame some on the Dr.s because as I quote " they had to choose the lessor of to evils and take a chance that the baby would not get addicted". My problem is she continued after ther the point she was to quit and got them illegalywhich could have lead to the baby being taken away. They brought in a specialist from a 100 miles away to determine as to the severity. Then CPS got involved and I had to lie so that they would not try and take my child. Everything is cleared up now except my thinking. I didn't even give my ex the kind of trust I gave Seren. I really thought she had my 6. It just sucks to be a fool.

 

[Jimmy1]

Trust is a huge one though. With my first wife, our relationship grew apart. She convinced me to take up another career as a technician installing alarms. I worked 18 hour days and I thought that was the reason. Later on after our divorce I found out she had been having an affair for over four years.
My second wife, although I don't hate her for leaving, she also screwed around, but I blame that on not receiving the love from a very very angry man (PTSD), but thats not an excuse.
So I had no trust at all with women for years. I treated them all like shit and attracted the wrong type into my life. I had a drug dealer, an alcoholic, and a compulsive lier and thief. I had to change me first before I found the right person, and even then I was skeptical at first.

Tex, as you would know, pain can drive you to do crazy shit and even lie. I am not making an excuse, but she did not go through the training we did. She was not forced to push through the pain barriers. And speaking from experience, once your addicted to something, you don't care who gets in the road. I can see where your coming from with the whole trust thing, but you have to try and build it up again, even for the children's sake. If she is no longer in pain, and is over the addiction, maybe you can get some pain meds, but put them in a locked box, just like you would do to keep a weapon away from a kid.

As for pain affecting us. Do you guys know that pain also triggers another form of depression and can drive you insane. Thats where the saying 'Like a bear with a sore head' comes from. For me, I was almost at the point where I would do anything to get rid of it. I am still not out of the woods either, even though I have had surgery. I have to wait till about the 12 month mark for the spine to fuse. Then all the facet joints won't be pinching my nerves. It hurts like a bitch, but its better than having two totally f*cked up disc I did.

 

[willis williams]

I am working on the positive but she is still useing narcotics now class 2. When I caught her she took off for Idaho and before she came back she went to a so called specialist who asked questions and put ten pounds pressure in 18 places all she had to do was say yah it hurt. She ran trac, was a cheerleader, and did gymnastics but told the Dr. that she hurt since she was young. Before she came back she magically had fibramialga and now has an unlimited supply of narcotics and I think I may have caught her in that she tried to call in her prescription early and the pharmacy said no they could not fill it because the the DR. had it to the T on the script. So she went a whole week without someone with fibramialga as bad as she said to the specialist wouldn't be going to litte kid baseball games and running around without meds. I am probably being way over critical because I was caught with my pants down. But fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. It will sort out. I have also learned that I have a very low tollerance to the nonmilitary crybaby shit and weakness to not stop shit when you know its bad for others and you (seren & taylan). Hell on forced marches I can remember carrying other soldiers gear to lighten thier load even though I knew it would cause me more pain. I am settling in with all of it just don't want bit by the same snake twice. I will sort it out if she comes clean and tells me the rest of the people she got them from I know there are two more and for some reason she wants to protect them even though she said I was more important.

 

[Wagon]

Tex, That is some rough shit. But as the little voice that says common sense things in the night. Maybe she's not protecting the drug dealers..... maybe she's protecting you from yourself. As in, if you go take care of those guys, the dealers, one of them is bound to do something stupid, and you may kill them. Then where would everything end up?? Lets see. You in jail with a bunch of drug dealers and murderers. Then where will the family be?? Probably straight in the shitter without you.

It's just my opinion Tex. But think about it. She's and addict.... for now. And I mean that in the kindest of terms. You can't go around sorting out every drug dealer. More will just fit the bill, and you may even drive her to seek harder stuff if she can't get the stuff she's on. There is always some jackass around the corner ready to get someone hooked on Heroin. So she's got two choices. Cold turkey or rehab. She's proven she can do cold turkey. For a week anyway. Any withdrawal?? Suspicious if not. As for breast feeding I can only say the mother produces what she eats. Here they recommend that mothers do not get drunk while breast feeding. A drink or 2 fine. Beyond that no.

OK Tex. Hang tough.

Wagon

 

[willis williams]

Still hanging! But after f*cking up the first one as he cried on the ground he told me that he didn't come looking for her. Made sense. I was armed to but chose not to take that direction I chose assult if proven a day in jail I did that for my children. The problem is the cops are on my side most ex military and thier hands are tide. So for now I am going to focus on bonding with Taylan. I seen babies withdraw on TV but first hand when you have no idea its coming it is horrible and it be your own son. Most that figured out what happened if I'm seen will leave the area fast. In thier mind they were just selling pill but how do you do that to a big pregnant woman . I will be good for now but I am coming off all meds weaning. I will never let something take my edge away again that I will get f*cked over. I'm off lithiun now and getting started on lamotrigine. I will protect my childre above all for they are inocent and I know when they grow they will have my 6. My 9 and 14 year old allready do loyal of thier choosing my 14 year old tell everyone I am his best friend and means it. but I'll be good there are just some lines you don't cross. TEX

 

[Wagon]

Good man Tex. It's all we can really do with respects to kids. Keep em safe.

Be good
Wagon