Relationship Trying my hardest not to feel defeated...

[Freida]

What I do know is, he has been feeling so much worse after starting therapy. He is constantly saying "I feel worthless. I feel like sh*t, I feel anxious all the time. I think about things million times a day, my brain just doesn't stop. I don't feel any joy in my life, I feel dead inside, I have to stop myself from breaking down all the time"

here's the part that is so hard to explain ---- but at the beginning of therapy it can get worse. MUCH MUCH WORSE. Its like someone has fed you crack and your brain speeds up and every memory comes rushing back into your brain. But they don't come back in any order - just random images, physical feelings, smells, tastes, . You aren't sure what connects to what.... so you try desperately to pretend that you are imagining it or making it up. The things that are flooding your brain are things that were so bad you disconnected from the when they first happened because it was the only way to survive. So when they come back it's in present time...in the now.... So you do what you did then -- you try to block them. But they overwhelm you. so you shut down. But you have to shut everything down --- because you are just trying to survive.

After he has started therapy, I have noticed that his "urge of wanting to make it work" has become less, and is now nearly gone. Or completely gone. He feels worse than ever before, and he is becoming more insistent that its just "not going to work, my feelings aren't growing for you".

yep - no room for those who love you.... period. Not until you can get out of the nightmare. If hubby asks me about our relationship I'll bail because I can't answer because I don't know. Which isn't fair to him. So add guilt to everything else I'm feeling. He knows this so he doesn't ask

And it takes as long as it takes.. And I can't imagine how that sucks for you guys. But really - you are asking a question that doesn't have an answer. It's just more of the fun filled world of ptsd. You just have to decide if you are willing to come along for the ride -- knowing that it could crash and burn at any moment. But really -- aren't all relationships like that? You never get a guarantee it's going to work - even if ptsd isn't involved.....

 

[EveHarrington]

To me it sounds like there are a few things at play....

1) He’s in love with being in love. This has nothing to do with PTSD. People of this kind love to ride the wave of the honeymoon period and in my experience don’t love you for you, but love you for how you make them feel. Again I am just speaking out of experience, being a highly intense person who has plenty of experience in getting people to love me based on how I make them feel. (I say this based on his notion that butterflies should last forever. Does he even know the difference between in love and love? And how it’s completely possible to feel in love with someone but not actually love them?)

And then of course there’s

2) The ptsd numbness stuff.

My guess is that both play off of one another and each increases the intensity of the other.

Feeling in love is fantastic....I’m over the moon! Woohoo!!! I’m in love with this feeling of love!

*stress cup crash*

Numbness sets in. Feeling of love is gone. Boy this sucks.

Feeling safe again, contact is resumed....emerging from numbness....stress cup has room. I’m head over heels again! I love this feeling of love!!!!.....until....stress cup fills once again.

Rinse. Repeat. Ad nauseam.

This is my perspective. Maybe I’m completely wrong?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Freida Thank you for that detailed reply, really means a lot. Its extremely hard for a supporter to understand what a sufferer is experiencing.

The part you said about: "yep - no room for those who love you.... period. Not until you can get out of the nightmare. If hubby asks me about our relationship I'll bail because I can't answer because I don't know. Which isn't fair to him. So add guilt to everything else I'm feeling. He knows this so he doesn't ask" (sorry, still haven't figured out how to quote properly). That makes sense right now. As I said, recently (after the start of therapy), he has been less and less willing to discuss our relationship. I try not to ask questions, but at the times I do he just gets annoyed.

@EveHarrington You make some really good points. Its both 1 and 2.
1. He loves the feeling of "being in love". He genuinely thinks, in a longterm relationship or marriage both people should still be SO in love with each other. He describes it as "I want to be thinking about my wife all day long, I want to feel excited every day thinking of her, and I want to feel excited that I am coming home to her from work. I always want to have those butterflies for my wife, I always want to feel like I am in that chase with her"
He thinks infatuation is LOVE.
And I think: Love is beyond the initial infatuation, hormones/oxytocin. Because realistically, they don't stay for very long! For me, LOVE is supporting, caring, trusting, being my partners best friend, their biggest cheerleader, the one who has their back whatever happens in life, going through ups and downs together. For me, THATS LOVE. Its more the act, rather than having all those feelings. And I think you have to work on maintaining the passion, rather than thinking "its just going to be there".

2. He does have the PTSD symptoms. He is increasingly getting worse after therapy. He is extremely down at the moment. He has NO JOY in his voice, behaviour. He sounds extremely down, his fire is gone. I don't recognise him. He suffers every day, he feels worthless, he feels like he does not want to exist, he is struggling very badly right now. He has flashbacks and nightmares, he is constantly anxious. So there is that too. He says "I feel dead inside, I can't feel anything". Is it fair to say he is still in the early stages of therapy? (He started first session mid January). What you said here, I recognise so well:
"Numbness sets in. Feeling of love is gone. Boy this sucks.

Feeling safe again, contact is resumed....emerging from numbness....stress cup has room. I’m head over heels again! I love this feeling of love!!!!.....until....stress cup fills once again.

Rinse. Repeat. Ad nauseam."

This has happened several times. He feels nothing, but then his feelings gradually come back, everything is amazing again and poof!, feelings are gone again. Although this time, the cycle seems to be on a pause because of therapy and he is insisting on taking care of himself right now, which I respect.

He keeps tellings me that he does not feel anything for me and that he has been trying to feel something, but its not working. I just don't know whether to believe it 100% or not. I don't think we are giving "us" a fair chance right now when he feels so low. Every time I say to him "but you started to feel something for me again a few weeks ago", he flat out denies it.

Does anyone have any opinions or input in this? I don't know what to think to be honest.

Sorry for the late reply by the way, have been swamped with work and working double at the moment.

Many hugs x

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I think it is very fair to say he’s in the early stages of treatment.

Relationships require so much work. I’ve been in treatment for about 9 years now and I’m still not ready for a relationship. I tried last fall, but things didn’t end well. I know I need more time to work on myself before getting involved with someone else.

He may just not have any energy for working on a relationship right now. It’s not anyone’s fault, just a fact of what you’re dealing with.

I say this not out of mean spiritedness. I say this because I have gone through it myself. Do you know if he loves you or if he’s just IN love with you (infatuation, chemical feeling, etc)? I thought someone loved me, because I was stupid and thought that’s what they meant when they said “I love you”. Hindsight, right? It was only after I realized he said “I don’t love you” just as fast as he said “I love you” that it was only an IN love feeling, not a true love feeling. It devastated me and I’m pretty bitter toward the whole love thing right now as I’ve had many men tell me they love me....but I realize that “In love” feeling is fleeting, not lasting. I’ve felt it many times in my life but have only ever truly loved a few. Sorry, I digress. I just don’t want you to be devastated if at some point you realize it was all only about the “in love” feeling and not truer deeper actual love.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@EveHarrington Thank you for your input, really appreciate it!
To be completely honest, he has not said "I love you" for a very long time. He doesn't want to say it as he simply doesn't feel it. He has however said "I really really like you", when things have gone well. We've been in a fairly long relationship, where I do believe we developed "Real Love", as we went through so much together, and became each others closest people. For him, its all about the exciting feelings though. Thats what he feels is LOVE. He has a history of being with extremely toxic and abusive women actually, all which he claimed to have "loved", however he barely knew anything personal about them (!!!!!!!). That is extremely odd to me.

He tells me I am his best friend, I am his closest person, I am his "Safe" person. Anything he feels unsure about, he comes to me for advice. He has a fear of flying and would refuse to sit on a flight with anyone else than me as he trusts me. He tells me his deepest secrets. So we have that depth of a relationship. I am his "person". For me, all of that is LOVE!

Im sorry to what you experienced, I can imagine it wasn't easy at all especially with PTSD and letting someone in again. Big hugs to you and I know you'll find the person who actually does LOVE you.

many hugs!

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you perhaps able to take a step back and let things be more casual? Not in the seeing other people kind of casual, but in the not talking about feelings kind of casual. Maybe just let him focus on his healing, and you can be there for him when he is ok with contact. Yes, I know this isn’t optimal, and of course it would all have to feel ok to you, too. I know this stuff isn’t easy and ptsd world can be very hard to navigate.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@EveHarrington I am most definately up for that. Actually, our ups have come from me being more relaxed. Right now I’m not being too much, and I’m trying not to prompt him, but even things like ‘shall we go on a short holiday soon’ can get to him. I suggested it today, as he said how he needs to change his environment. And he was quite reluctant. And I said ‘what’s the matter? Don’t you want to go?’ And then said ‘ of course I’d love to go, you’re the only person I’d feel comfortable to go with. You’re the only person I want to do things with.. but I don’t want to make memories with you, and for you to get attached to me when I feel so down and I don’t feel anything romantically for you right now, it’s not fair to go on holiday together’

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

But overall I’m ok with stepping back and being more laid back. In your own experience, would that help, if a partner just goes with the flow a little bit?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

What I find hard to differentiate is, if he just genuinely doesn’t like me/ is being a jerk OR if he is symptomatic. I have a hard time figuring it out because he actually showed me so much emotion during Christmas a quite a while before and after. Also he is really down at the moment, probably at his worst since I’ve ever known him. He is struggling badly right now, barely getting sleep. Has a lot of intrusive thoughts/flashbacks. Also has quite a lot of physical symptoms that are a result of PTSD (according to his doctor)

 

[EveHarrington]

But overall I’m ok with stepping back and being more laid back. In your own experience, wo...

Yes, that would help me. When I’m struggling, the last thing I want to talk about is how I feel. My feelings can be so crazy that I don’t even know what I’m feeling. The pressure to talk about feelings just stresses me. Just being there and being chill would be the best for me.

I don’t know if anyone here can tell you if he’s being a jerk or not. From my perspective, he is most likely quite symptomatic given that he just started therapy and the symptoms you describe.

And even if it is all ptsd? That doesn’t mean you have to be a-o-k with everything. If he can’t be the kind of partner you need, it’s ok to step back.

 

[Sheila_a]

I think Sweetpea's advice to start thinking on what YOU need and want in life is a very valuable one...

It seems most of your thoughts are circling around him, and doing so in a way that confuses you and upsets you a lot. This is important to notice.

While I agree with the answers above, I personally had a less positive outcome with my ex-partner. Much of the things you're mentioning, were said, including 'I'm not worth a thing', but in this case for the mere purpose of playing mindgames with me. And 'maybe someone else can fix me’ holds strong vitriolic potential, too. Besides being deeply hurting and creating jealousy in you, it at the same time demands even more support from you and reflects an utter lack of awareness about his own responsibility. No-one will be able to tell, whether he just had a bad moment - like all of us do at times - or whether there is more behind it. It never seems possible to decide this objectively, in both cases. Apart from your gut feeling.

He might be a good guy going through a tough time. But one thing I'm sure about: In order to live a more or less fulfilled relationship BOTH partners need to get to know themselves first, learn to be compassionate and as loving as possible with themselves, before they can truly 'give' love. Maybe it's a good time to become more compassionate to yourself right now? It sounds as if you really deserve it and should show your inner child it's cared for. It's something nobody else can do for us.

I'm practicing this almost daily with the help of meditation and see results. It's absolutely worth it. All the best!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Sheila_a hi thanks for the response. I’ve definateky taken Sweetpeas advice and others in regards to focusing on myself. I’m so much more social now, I’m waiting for a therapy referral, I’m reading books, I’m meditating and praying. I don’t feel horrible but I do have my days. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 7 years and after his trauma, I feel like I’ve had to bury the old him and also our relationship which is a devastating feeling. I’m coping as best I can, this forum and some of the lovely people are here are great help and comfort.

When he says things like ‘maybe someone else can fix me’ I think he says this because he genuinely feels a lack of fulfillment in his life. He feels like life is boring and depressing. Our relationship, because it’s been so long, isn’t as exciting as before. Even though there’s lots of love, he has always been the type of person who needs the exicitment, butterflies. Previous to me, he had some messed up relationship with very toxic women.
But when he says those words to me ^ I don’t think he means it badly, I think he’s just trying to be honest. He’s always been an oversharer because he feels that whatever is in his mind I need to know.
Even during his PTSD he has successfully gotten feelings back for me on a few occasions and he has then started being a lot happier.

I feel like he has this... need of happiness. He’s searching for SOMETHING that can constantly keep him on his toes, stimulated and excited.

I think at the moment he is going through a rough patch and he feels an immense guilt towards me. He says he doesn’t want to drag me down, he doesn’t want to waste my time, he can’t give me what I need as he doesn’t feel anything. He is pushing me away, but deep down I don’t think he wants me to go.

If you could share some of the meditation techniques you practice which you said works well for you, I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you x