Tennisply13
New Here
Hey Everyone,
I’ve been dating my gf for about 6 months now and things have gotten tough. I’ve read through the forum post and know my situation isn’t unique which is a great help. But I think I need to just get it out and perhaps getting a little feedback can help.
We met through work and flirted and one thing led to another and we started hanging out. Things were great the first few months. We took things slow and one day we both told each other we love each other.
Around this time she had to deal with her ex the cause of her trauma and she isolated herself. At that time I didn’t really understand, she had warned me that she pulls into her shell and can focus without talking to people. It was much worse than I had anticipated. Finally I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation. After that things seemed to go back to normal and we started hanging out again.
Around late June I could see the pattern again start. I knew she had an obligation coming up that was going to be similar to the previous time she isolated. I tired to prepare myself for the inevitable isolation but it didn’t come this time. This time she would still want to talk and see me but she became distance when we were together. She wouldn’t hug or kiss me. It wasn’t a problem at first but as the days went by it became harder and harder for me to understand what I had done wrong (I know, I shouldn’t take things personally).
So I am a talker, I always feel the best way to approach anything especially a relationship is to have open conversations. So I decided to voice my feelings. This upset her far more than I had expected. She angrily told me that I she can’t handle her own emotions so it’s too much for her to deal with mine. I was so confused at this point. At the time I couldn’t understand what I had done. Later we were talking outside of work and she blew me off. I said what the f*ck and this upset her. This is the beginning of what I’m trying to process.
I didn’t speak to her for a few days. So I called her one day and apologized for upsetting her that wasn’t my intention. I told her I was working on communicating better with her instead of just reacting emotionally I would take time to calm down before I tried to have a conversation. She told me it was a red flag. And that cut me very deep. I than began to wonder if I was actually abusive.
I than chose to seek some help. I was hurt and at this time I thought the relationship was over. I spoke with a therapist and asked if he thought I was abusive after I explained the situation. He said from what he heard no it was probably just her trauma.
We were supposed to go to a wedding of my friend. She tells me a week before that she won’t have a sitter. I get upset and walk away so I can calm down. We begin to have a conversation, I can see she is upset and ask her why. She then tells me do you think I want to have to be home all the time. I don’t ever see my friends, I don’t get to do anything. I tell her I understand but I was just looking forward to it because we hadn’t spent any time with just the two us in over two month and that I thought it would be fun for both of us.
So a few days later we are outside of work again, I tell her that I went and spoke with someone. I told her I realized I had somethings I need to work out and actually dating you and having these come to the surface are good for me. She responded by telling me she’s making me crazy and that she doesn’t want her problems to become my problems. I attempted to explain that she had nothing to do with the issues that are surfacing. (Mostly trust issues from previous relationships about cheating, when she isolates and there is a lack of intimacy my gut reaction is there must be someone else. She’s given me no reason to think otherwise so it’s just my baggage I need to work on). I tell her I only know her as she is now and I still want to be with her. She proceeds to tell me to pick some else. She also tells me she’d never see a therapist for me.
A few days later we are talking and she tells me she has to see her ex face to face in a few weeks to discuss their child. She tells me she’s feeling overwhelmed. I just listen and ask her what she’s planning on doing. I give little bits of advice. Once again we are talking after work and I got hug her goodbye and she cringes. This is a first, since we’ve been together she’s never acted like this. She hadn’t wanted to kiss and she would give me light hugs but never cringed. That hurt me a lot. She knew it did and then went into a bit of rant about how she used to be able to come to work and talk without worrying. And now she feels she can’t do that anymore because of me. At this point I was taken aback because this had never been brought up before. She tells me she’s already overwhelmed and dealing with is too much. That everything is just too much. I tell her I’ll never truly understand what she been through but I’m here for what ever she needs. We wish each other goodnight. I tell her I love you and she barely audibly says it in return.
We don’t talk for a few days. I texted her before bed like we normal do and she stopped responding. After a few nights of this we have a short conversation. I ask her at one point what she needs from me, I explain that if she needs space tell me, if she wants to stop the relationship I understand and if you don’t know that fine too. She tells she needs nothing. I say ok and that I’m here for no matter what. She proceeds to tell me that to support her mean cheering her on silently but not taking on her problems. I tell her if that’s what you need I can do that. I also explain that it’s hard to not want to try and help more when I can see you’re overwhelmed. She then tells me that this what she taking about, she continues to tell me make her feel like she’s being rushed to get better. I don’t know what to say. I tell her that’s not my intention but if that’s how I’m making you feel. She then starts yelling, telling me that she told me her problems weren’t about me, that she’s overwhelmed and she pulls away when she feels like she hurting someone, about how shes making me crazy because I’m making her problems my problems and that now she has to yell for anyone to understand this isn’t about them. She then apologizes for getting angry and yelling. I tell I don’t mind it ok to be angry.
This was about a week ago and she has had minimal contact other than the few days we see each other at work. I’ve have given her space and haven’t talked to her much. After typing this out I feel bit better. I’m filled with so many emotions. It’s hard to understand because at this point I don’t know if we are still together or not. I want to call her and text her but I don’t think that will be the best thing. It’s been a month since I’ve seen outside of work, now at work she’ll have conversations with everyone but me. From reading this forum I understand better that she avoids me because there a feeling when with other people there is less stress but it still hurts. I don’t really know what I’m looking for from this post but I just needed to get it out.
I’ve been dating my gf for about 6 months now and things have gotten tough. I’ve read through the forum post and know my situation isn’t unique which is a great help. But I think I need to just get it out and perhaps getting a little feedback can help.
We met through work and flirted and one thing led to another and we started hanging out. Things were great the first few months. We took things slow and one day we both told each other we love each other.
Around this time she had to deal with her ex the cause of her trauma and she isolated herself. At that time I didn’t really understand, she had warned me that she pulls into her shell and can focus without talking to people. It was much worse than I had anticipated. Finally I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation. After that things seemed to go back to normal and we started hanging out again.
Around late June I could see the pattern again start. I knew she had an obligation coming up that was going to be similar to the previous time she isolated. I tired to prepare myself for the inevitable isolation but it didn’t come this time. This time she would still want to talk and see me but she became distance when we were together. She wouldn’t hug or kiss me. It wasn’t a problem at first but as the days went by it became harder and harder for me to understand what I had done wrong (I know, I shouldn’t take things personally).
So I am a talker, I always feel the best way to approach anything especially a relationship is to have open conversations. So I decided to voice my feelings. This upset her far more than I had expected. She angrily told me that I she can’t handle her own emotions so it’s too much for her to deal with mine. I was so confused at this point. At the time I couldn’t understand what I had done. Later we were talking outside of work and she blew me off. I said what the f*ck and this upset her. This is the beginning of what I’m trying to process.
I didn’t speak to her for a few days. So I called her one day and apologized for upsetting her that wasn’t my intention. I told her I was working on communicating better with her instead of just reacting emotionally I would take time to calm down before I tried to have a conversation. She told me it was a red flag. And that cut me very deep. I than began to wonder if I was actually abusive.
I than chose to seek some help. I was hurt and at this time I thought the relationship was over. I spoke with a therapist and asked if he thought I was abusive after I explained the situation. He said from what he heard no it was probably just her trauma.
We were supposed to go to a wedding of my friend. She tells me a week before that she won’t have a sitter. I get upset and walk away so I can calm down. We begin to have a conversation, I can see she is upset and ask her why. She then tells me do you think I want to have to be home all the time. I don’t ever see my friends, I don’t get to do anything. I tell her I understand but I was just looking forward to it because we hadn’t spent any time with just the two us in over two month and that I thought it would be fun for both of us.
So a few days later we are outside of work again, I tell her that I went and spoke with someone. I told her I realized I had somethings I need to work out and actually dating you and having these come to the surface are good for me. She responded by telling me she’s making me crazy and that she doesn’t want her problems to become my problems. I attempted to explain that she had nothing to do with the issues that are surfacing. (Mostly trust issues from previous relationships about cheating, when she isolates and there is a lack of intimacy my gut reaction is there must be someone else. She’s given me no reason to think otherwise so it’s just my baggage I need to work on). I tell her I only know her as she is now and I still want to be with her. She proceeds to tell me to pick some else. She also tells me she’d never see a therapist for me.
A few days later we are talking and she tells me she has to see her ex face to face in a few weeks to discuss their child. She tells me she’s feeling overwhelmed. I just listen and ask her what she’s planning on doing. I give little bits of advice. Once again we are talking after work and I got hug her goodbye and she cringes. This is a first, since we’ve been together she’s never acted like this. She hadn’t wanted to kiss and she would give me light hugs but never cringed. That hurt me a lot. She knew it did and then went into a bit of rant about how she used to be able to come to work and talk without worrying. And now she feels she can’t do that anymore because of me. At this point I was taken aback because this had never been brought up before. She tells me she’s already overwhelmed and dealing with is too much. That everything is just too much. I tell her I’ll never truly understand what she been through but I’m here for what ever she needs. We wish each other goodnight. I tell her I love you and she barely audibly says it in return.
We don’t talk for a few days. I texted her before bed like we normal do and she stopped responding. After a few nights of this we have a short conversation. I ask her at one point what she needs from me, I explain that if she needs space tell me, if she wants to stop the relationship I understand and if you don’t know that fine too. She tells she needs nothing. I say ok and that I’m here for no matter what. She proceeds to tell me that to support her mean cheering her on silently but not taking on her problems. I tell her if that’s what you need I can do that. I also explain that it’s hard to not want to try and help more when I can see you’re overwhelmed. She then tells me that this what she taking about, she continues to tell me make her feel like she’s being rushed to get better. I don’t know what to say. I tell her that’s not my intention but if that’s how I’m making you feel. She then starts yelling, telling me that she told me her problems weren’t about me, that she’s overwhelmed and she pulls away when she feels like she hurting someone, about how shes making me crazy because I’m making her problems my problems and that now she has to yell for anyone to understand this isn’t about them. She then apologizes for getting angry and yelling. I tell I don’t mind it ok to be angry.
This was about a week ago and she has had minimal contact other than the few days we see each other at work. I’ve have given her space and haven’t talked to her much. After typing this out I feel bit better. I’m filled with so many emotions. It’s hard to understand because at this point I don’t know if we are still together or not. I want to call her and text her but I don’t think that will be the best thing. It’s been a month since I’ve seen outside of work, now at work she’ll have conversations with everyone but me. From reading this forum I understand better that she avoids me because there a feeling when with other people there is less stress but it still hurts. I don’t really know what I’m looking for from this post but I just needed to get it out.
