A
ACD67
Hi all,
I'm posting in here because I feel like I'm losing it and as a result I'm scared of what that will mean for my relationship with my partner.
A lil background: I've recently started therapy for C-PTSD. I'm 26; I started my mental health recovery journey when I was 16 for PTSD after experiencing multiple sexual assaults and escaping from a man trying to turn me into a prostitute, all within a 6month time frame. I've done really well in regards to healing those things but this past year my mental health really took a turn for the worse. I started going back to therapy and learned that not only did I experience that abuse, which led to my PTSD diagnosis at 16, but my parents also abused/abandoned/neglected me my whole life and so now I'm working with a therapist for C-PTSD. It is a roller coaster but since the beginning of November I have been doing really well, at least internally. I have been really compassionate about holding space for my inner child and have been trying to learn how to mother myself. All in all, I've had more joy/happiness/hope/love these past couple months than ever. I had finally gotten to a place where I felt that not only was everything going to be okay, but that I could thrive in life.
But then my grandma died a week before X-Mas Eve. I barely knew her so I wasn't sad per se but it has really shook up my world.
The holidays were different for me this year also because I haven't been working a standard job while I focus on my mental health recovery. Also, I have been dog sitting and my partner worked on the holidays. After my grandma's passing, I thought I was doing an alright job keeping it together. I also had something to look forward to on Xmas Eve, which was my partner coming over (to where I'm dog sitting) for dinner after she got off work. I was so excited for it. There ended up being and ice/snow storm that day and long story short she didn't come over. To be honest, I'm really hurt about it and am still struggling to see her side of things. In my mind, she made the choice to go to the bar after work with her friends instead of taking a 10min cab ride to be with me. That really messed me up and I began to unravel. I said some mean things to her and they really stuck. So the next day was Xmas. After I calmed down, I tried to have a conversation about what happened but she wouldn't talk to me. Up until yesterday morning, she had spoken less than 10words to me since Xmas Eve night. I was trying to give her space and whatnot but I felt extremely hurt and it was just getting worse because I didn't even know her side of things since she had completely shut me out.
Then I freaked out yesterday morning. I had a complete breakdown. Tore the house apart and said some really awful things to her. After I got back from checking in on the dogs I'm watching, I came home really depressed. She ended up telling me that she realized awhile ago that she was in over her head and that she couldn't be with me. It was beyond shocking, given that I have been doing so well lately. I snapped. I ended up cutting myself. We went to our first couples counseling session. We aren't breaking up.
But now I feel like all the wonderful progress I made doesn't matter. I was really beginning to love myself and life again. I've been optimistic even. And now all I am is terrified. And in addition, I have multiple autoimmune diseases that have been flaring up badly this past month but I've been waiting to go to the doctor in January cuz that's when I'll have insurance again. I'm not a suicidal person, but I'm also unpredictable when I have emotional flashbacks. My biggest fear in life is accidentally killing myself. And while I feel like I'm not in danger right now, I also feel like I can't trust my partner at the moment to be here for me and that is debilitating. She doesn't understand where I'm coming from. That's not her fault. But I hate that I no longer feel safe to be myself around her right now because I just want to be the perfect person so she feels okay. I also know that this all will pass. But right now it's happening, it's terrifying, and I could use all the extra support I can find.
Thank you for reading and responding if you do.
-Angela
I'm posting in here because I feel like I'm losing it and as a result I'm scared of what that will mean for my relationship with my partner.
A lil background: I've recently started therapy for C-PTSD. I'm 26; I started my mental health recovery journey when I was 16 for PTSD after experiencing multiple sexual assaults and escaping from a man trying to turn me into a prostitute, all within a 6month time frame. I've done really well in regards to healing those things but this past year my mental health really took a turn for the worse. I started going back to therapy and learned that not only did I experience that abuse, which led to my PTSD diagnosis at 16, but my parents also abused/abandoned/neglected me my whole life and so now I'm working with a therapist for C-PTSD. It is a roller coaster but since the beginning of November I have been doing really well, at least internally. I have been really compassionate about holding space for my inner child and have been trying to learn how to mother myself. All in all, I've had more joy/happiness/hope/love these past couple months than ever. I had finally gotten to a place where I felt that not only was everything going to be okay, but that I could thrive in life.
But then my grandma died a week before X-Mas Eve. I barely knew her so I wasn't sad per se but it has really shook up my world.
The holidays were different for me this year also because I haven't been working a standard job while I focus on my mental health recovery. Also, I have been dog sitting and my partner worked on the holidays. After my grandma's passing, I thought I was doing an alright job keeping it together. I also had something to look forward to on Xmas Eve, which was my partner coming over (to where I'm dog sitting) for dinner after she got off work. I was so excited for it. There ended up being and ice/snow storm that day and long story short she didn't come over. To be honest, I'm really hurt about it and am still struggling to see her side of things. In my mind, she made the choice to go to the bar after work with her friends instead of taking a 10min cab ride to be with me. That really messed me up and I began to unravel. I said some mean things to her and they really stuck. So the next day was Xmas. After I calmed down, I tried to have a conversation about what happened but she wouldn't talk to me. Up until yesterday morning, she had spoken less than 10words to me since Xmas Eve night. I was trying to give her space and whatnot but I felt extremely hurt and it was just getting worse because I didn't even know her side of things since she had completely shut me out.
Then I freaked out yesterday morning. I had a complete breakdown. Tore the house apart and said some really awful things to her. After I got back from checking in on the dogs I'm watching, I came home really depressed. She ended up telling me that she realized awhile ago that she was in over her head and that she couldn't be with me. It was beyond shocking, given that I have been doing so well lately. I snapped. I ended up cutting myself. We went to our first couples counseling session. We aren't breaking up.
But now I feel like all the wonderful progress I made doesn't matter. I was really beginning to love myself and life again. I've been optimistic even. And now all I am is terrified. And in addition, I have multiple autoimmune diseases that have been flaring up badly this past month but I've been waiting to go to the doctor in January cuz that's when I'll have insurance again. I'm not a suicidal person, but I'm also unpredictable when I have emotional flashbacks. My biggest fear in life is accidentally killing myself. And while I feel like I'm not in danger right now, I also feel like I can't trust my partner at the moment to be here for me and that is debilitating. She doesn't understand where I'm coming from. That's not her fault. But I hate that I no longer feel safe to be myself around her right now because I just want to be the perfect person so she feels okay. I also know that this all will pass. But right now it's happening, it's terrifying, and I could use all the extra support I can find.
Thank you for reading and responding if you do.
-Angela
