Trying to email therapist about the mess i'm in

[ShodokanJenn]

So, my T had surgery a few weeks ago, and won't be back in the office for three more weeks. On top of that, my psychiatrist abruptly left the practice at the end of June. My GP has been on vacation for 18 days, and just came back Thursday. I went and saw him, out of desperation, because I just don't feel like I can continue this way. He called the behavioral health department and was able to get my appointment with the new provider moved from February to October. He says that's still not good enough and he's going to do what he can to make them get me in faster. He's checking for everything he can think of that could be causing this, but he doesn't know enough about the psych meds to really provide much feedback on them, and he doesn't want to adjust them if it can possibly be avoided. My T, at my last appointment before his surgery, said that if I needed anything from him in the interim, I could email him. I've been putting it off for at least two weeks. A little bit because of pride - I want to be able to say I can do it on my own. Except, I can't. Obviously. Partly because of embarrassment. I have actually started to write him a letter a few times now, and not gotten past the first sentence. My thoughts are so scattered, and revealing how I'm doing to someone who isn't a random stranger from the internet feels overwhelming. Anyway, I wrote to him tonight, but haven't sent it yet. Here's what I wrote. Any feedback would be really appreciated.

T,

For the last 2 weeks, I've really been struggling. Off the wall flashbacks, more frequent and more intense nightmares, a lot of anxiety, feeling very down, a lot of self-harm urges, and have been dissociating, a lot. Two weeks ago, I dissociated at church. I remember getting there. The next thing I remember is "coming back to reality" at about 7 PM. We had just bought a new 500 count bottle of Tylenol the day before. When I came back, I was holding it in my hand and it was almost empty. I had no idea what I'd done with the pills. Had I flushed them? Put them somewhere? Taken them? I got scared and went to the emergency room. They gave me Ipecac, activated charcoal, and kept me for 8 hours to do hourly blood tests. At the end of the 8 hours, they determined that I hadn't taken any of the pills, and sent me home. I was so relieved, but the whole thing really shook me up. Derek's pretty worried, too. I've been doing my best to lift myself out of this. Martial arts, drawing, photography, writing, praying, reading my Bible. Making sure I eat appropriately. I haven't been sleeping much - I fall asleep fast because I'm so exhausted but I wake up quickly from nightmares, sweating and shaking with my heart racing. It takes a long time to calm back down, and then the cycle repeats. Psych Doc left the only clinic my insurance covers, and the soonest they could get me in with someone new is mid October. I talked to the nurse to see about having someone do a medication review, and she said that nobody will do that until after I have my intake interview in October. The only thing they can do for me is continue to refill my current prescriptions. So if this is a medication problem, I'm stuck for quite a while yet. I'm not sure what has caused this mess, and I'm really not sure what to do about it. I've been keeping up in school, but it's been really hard. I do the required reading, but when I go to do my assignments, I can't remember what I've read, and end up reading bit by bit as I type the papers. I wrote a paper Thursday, completely forgot I did so, and rewrote the whole thing today. It wasn't until I went to upload the assignment that I realized I'd done it twice.

I've debated emailing you for a while now. I don't want to impose while you're recovering, but at the same time, I can imagine seeing you in three weeks and having you say, "You should have let me know." So I think I'm doing the right thing here.

 

[Teamwork]

It's clear. It's halfway there because it's out, on paper recorded. Sometimes that's as much as is needed to get it started. The next step is to reassure yourself that once you send it he gets to decide how and when he feels up to responding to it. I've emailed mine twice in the last couple days even though he won't be in office until Tuesday. Sometimes he does respond on a weekend, but funny thing is I don't like it if he does because I feel like he is breaking the rules. Anyway, try thinking about hitting send on it is out of your hands and in his. They know what they can and can't do and that we can trust them on.

 

[NightSky]

It's good. Send it. Don't worry about trying to be independent and doing it on your own. That's not your job right now. I think it's more brave to send it, rather than not. You have a lot going on and need the support, and he offered. Be easy on yourself.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It's great. Hit send please.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Thanks everyone. I sent it off this morning. Sundays are church/rest/family days for both my therapist's family and my own, so I know it will be at least tomorrow before I hear from him. My fear now is that he won't get back to me. It's 18 days until my next appointment with him. I don't know that I can handle being in this condition for 18 more days. Each day gets worse. I'm afraid it will get so bad that I'll end up in the hospital to avoid harming myself. I had lunch with my nephew and niece after church today (I adore them both) and I didn't enjoy it at all. Usually time with them brightens my entire week. I'm pretty worried about myself, and I have no idea what steps to take to pull out of this.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Send the email. You will be okay. Give it time.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Heard back from my T yesterday. He suggested going back to what worked 8 years ago. Basic survival techniques rather than trying to improve. He sent a bunch of links to coping strategies he wants me to use, based on his memory of what worked before. He had me send my psychiatric records to a psychiatrist a few hours away that he regularly works with. He thinks that the records plus a phone interview will be enough to determine if my meds need urgent adjusting. He said that if the sleeplessness and self-harm urges continue to be this intense, it's time to pursue hospitalization. He pointed out that when things were this bad before, I was requiring hundreds of stitches at a time, and that since the cutting would happen while I was dissociated, I'm at high risk of relapsing because of the lack of awareness. He called me today and talked to me, and said he wants me to check in via email each day and he'll call me again Friday, unless he feels I need it before then. Somehow I'd forgotten how invested he is in my safety and health. I don't really feel any better, but I do feel less alone.

He also said I shouldn't be alone all day, so I'm riding into the City with my husband to spend each day at my martial arts school. The school has been my safe place since I was 12, and the instructor my best friend since about age 18. Yesterday the instructor gave me a tsuba (part of a sword) to carry in my pocket to ground myself with. It has Japanese kanji on it that mean strength, protection, safety, and hope. It's from the 1300's. I held it in my hand most of the night last night when I couldn't sleep, and it kept me more grounded than I've been in weeks.

My T also suggested I make an appointment to meet with my Pastor, as he knows the gist of my history and has walked me through some things that seemed absolutely impossible. I don't know if I have the courage to admit to him how poorly I'm doing - he and I just talked a month ago about how well things have been going and how I was healthier than he's ever seen me (I first started going to my church at age 18). At the same time, I feel like some spiritual guidance and the personal reminder that I'm loved, appreciated, valued, and prayed for could make a difference.

I told another friend some of what's been going on. She first freaked out, and then said we are exactly the same. Neither response helped at all. We're NOT the same. We both have struggles, but they manifest very differently. And as my instructor said yesterday, right now I don't need people who are going to freak out or fall apart with me right now. I need people around me who can stand strong and be rocks of support.

I was talking to him about how I've never told my husband most of what happened to me or the ways it still haunts me, and he said that I should rethink that as he needs to have a better understanding of both the trauma and how strong I am. The problem is, I've never thought of my husband as strong enough to handle or support me in this. When I broke down 8 years ago, my husband fell apart too. I distinctly remember one night where I had a nasty flashback that had some significant outward signs, and he got so despondent that I had to physically prevent him from trying to commit suicide. Without my martial arts training, I would have had to call the police on him, as I'm about 115 pounds and he's 16 inches taller and almost 200 pounds heavier. He's grown much stronger since then, but I don't feel safe in confiding in him. I have a very strong feeling that I need to protect him. He knows I'm having a hard time right now, and he's concerned at the fact that I've told him I don't think I should be alone during the day, but he has no idea intense things really are. Right now, I don't have the internal resources to help him should he fall apart, and unlike me, he doesn't have any very close friends or a therapist to confide in.

I moderate a forum for sexual assault and abuse survivors, and right now that is the only thing that I feel positively about. Helping others has always been a source of comfort to me, and some of the friendships I've developed there over the last ten years have been life-changing. Surprisingly enough, I even reconnected someone I knew in the cult growing up. We've been able to really encourage each other as we both work through our many shared experiences. I'm trying to focus more on that than myself right now, as I think excessive introspection will only lead to further decline. I need to get out of my own head.

 

[Sideways]

You're doing all the right things, and you have some great people in your support network now. So be gentle with yourself. This isn't 8 years ago, you've come a long way since then. Take one day at a time, and you'll get through this:)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Stand strong and do what your therapist advises. I agree with
ragdoll this is not eight years ago and you are in a much better place. Look into possible options with the hospital just in case and be as safe as you can please. Be kind to you. You are not alone in this crises.:hug: