Roxxxxaaanne
New Here
Hello anyone who reads this, I'm 24 years old and just looking for a place to figure out everything that's happened to me and whether or not what I'm going through is PSTD or just something else. Last halloween, I woke up to my best friend half dead, face blue and hardly breathing. She had overdosed on pills. I ran from the room to get her parents to help me after my stupid attempts to wake her up, which I know I could never do but I still tried. Her parents looked to me for answers and what to do in the situation (I was in my first semester of nursing school so they assumed I somehow knew everything) and all I could think was that she needed narcan to reverse the effects of the narcotics she took. They were afraid to take her to the hospital a matter of seconds away from their house because they didn't want her to lose her job at that hospital as a nurse. So I waited around watching her try to catch her breath for over an hour till they decided to bring her to the hospital. Instead of getting a ambulance they decided it'd be best to drive her so I had to try and lift her all her dead weight to their car and I couldn't do it. So we dragged her on a blanket to the car. I sat in the backseat of the car holding her as she still continued to fight for each breathe. It was getting worse and her breathes were coming less and less and her dad drove the car so f*cking slow that I felt like I was trapped in the car watching her slowly die. By the time we got to the hospital she was dead, she stopped breathing and I had no idea she was. The nurse saw and all she said was shit before you sprinted inside to get more people. The last thing I saw of her was her on the gurney with a nurse straddling her preforming CPR. They told us she would be okay. Her parents went back to see her and so I waited in the waiting room for a couple of minutes. Her mother came out to me, crying and told me she probably wasn't going to make it. My best friend, more of a sister to me than anyone in my immediately family was going to die. I had my sister come pick me up from the hospital and for the next 5 days I waited for her parents to tell me any sort of update, but they didn't want to tell me anything because they thought I was the reason their daughter was dying. I hardly slept those 5 days and when I did I woke up in sweats and nightmares of what happened.
The part to this story that always throws people and tells me I'm stupid for nearly 8 months later, still feeling depressed, frightened, not being able to sleep, crying at the slightest of similarities, panic attacks, isolation, and complete distain for mostly everyone; is that she lived. She lived and we don't talk anymore. I, for the longest time, felt that I was responsible for whatever happened to her and any bad things she had to deal with after waking up. Everyday for months was a battle for me not to breakdown and cry or panic at the thought, hospital, town, exit, or anything that I saw that day and a few days after.
This is the first time since it happened that I've actually spoke about my experience. I still suffer daily from panic attacks even though it's got a lot easier, but the fact I don't talk about it I know makes things worse. I just wanted to tell someone about this. I'd love to hear thoughts and theories from anyone.
Thanks
The part to this story that always throws people and tells me I'm stupid for nearly 8 months later, still feeling depressed, frightened, not being able to sleep, crying at the slightest of similarities, panic attacks, isolation, and complete distain for mostly everyone; is that she lived. She lived and we don't talk anymore. I, for the longest time, felt that I was responsible for whatever happened to her and any bad things she had to deal with after waking up. Everyday for months was a battle for me not to breakdown and cry or panic at the thought, hospital, town, exit, or anything that I saw that day and a few days after.
This is the first time since it happened that I've actually spoke about my experience. I still suffer daily from panic attacks even though it's got a lot easier, but the fact I don't talk about it I know makes things worse. I just wanted to tell someone about this. I'd love to hear thoughts and theories from anyone.
Thanks
