Hello everyone!! Glad to be here. I've been searching for support in my community, but not easy to find. Found this website by accident, and I'm glad I did.
I don't really know who I am right now. Most of the time I don't feel present, which you would think would help relieve the sadness, but it doesn't. I am in therapy, once a week, but I don't seem to be getting any where. I've done some EMDR therapy, which was helpful to some degree, but moved and haven't found anyone here that does EMDR, that I can afford. So I feel like the year of therapy previous to my move is slowly fading into the background.
I've had 2 neck surgeries in the past 2 years, which only makes things worse. Dealing with chronic pain isn't fun, but I'd take it over the depression, anxiety and all the symptoms of my PTSD. I had my second surgery in November of 2015, and it was a big one. C-2 all the way thru T-2 is now fused. With all my metal, I would be a 3 ring circus at an airport. I was told after my second surgery, I should be able to return to work, have some kind of life, but recently found out, I now have a lot of muscle damage and it's hard to use my arms and hands for long periods of time, typing would no longer be my friend. So even if I could start to cope with the outside world again, now there's a whole other issue. Which makes me question what am I going to do with the rest of my life, who am I going to be, what am I going to do? It's scary even typing those thoughts out. I feel like this is what the rest of my life will look like. I seldom leave my house. When I do it's such a anxiety trigger for me, it takes me forever to get out the door. At this time, doctor's appointments and therapy are what my life is made up of. And living of my Social Security disability is no picnic. I thank God I have it, but it's hard to make ends meet, every single day of my life for the past 6 years.
I'll try and do my bio soon, and go more into why I am here, and why I'm the way I am. Long story short, I went through a scary situation with someone I had no relationship with, except for the fact he was my boss. I was so scared I picked up and left my entire life behind, and moved far away. Which of course didn't work out, and I moved again, and again... well you get the point. Most of my moves I was in situations where I had to live with other people, and learned quickly, when your life depends on other people, you're in for a tough ride. Not the case for everyone, I'm sure. But it was my reality. After feeling like I was truly crazy, and needed to have myself committed, and a lot of doctors, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, along with depression and anxiety. Was put on medication and prayed it would help. I didn't have the guts to go into therapy. What happened to me was embarrassing, I'd been put through the ringer by cops who never believe a man could do the crazy things he did, it I wasn't sleeping with him. My family (what little I had) acting like it was no big deal, and to get over it. I wasn't in a good place or course, but I also couldn't be judged by another person. So it took a long time to seek help. My life became so out of control, that I knew If I didn't get help, I may not be here. During therapy a lot of things from my childhood and my past reared it's ugly head. I had no idea I was able to suppress so much stuff and be so functional, and accomplish the things I had accomplished. The brain is an amazing thing. I'm far from being well. I've lost my friends, my only child, and all my family, except my Dad, but our relationship depends on whether he needs me for something or not. My home, and my entire existence. But I'm here. A lot of times that doesn't seem like I did myself any favors, but as long as I'm here, I can hope, on the days that I believe in hope, that maybe just maybe I can at least leave my house for a few hours, without coming up with every horrible thing on the face of this earth happening while I'm away.
Sorry, guess that wasn't so short, but compared to the last six years of my life, it's only minutes out of my life. I'm happy to be here. Though I'm sorry for any one that deals with their mental health, I am glad I found people that I can relate to, and will understand what I go through on a minute by minute basis. A place I won't be judged, or run people off because I'm just to damaged for anyone to deal with. I welcome any advice. And any hugs that anyone has to offer. I have very limited contact with anyone that gives me a hug, so I'll gladly take ones over the internet. I look forward to getting to know as many people as I can, and learning more about this disease that seems to have a mind of it's own and wishes to destroy my life.
In closing, I'm a huge animal lover. My dogs honestly have saved my life. I'm new here, but if anyone needs a friend to reach out to, I'll be there. I wish love and peace for everyone and I'll shut up now:)
I don't really know who I am right now. Most of the time I don't feel present, which you would think would help relieve the sadness, but it doesn't. I am in therapy, once a week, but I don't seem to be getting any where. I've done some EMDR therapy, which was helpful to some degree, but moved and haven't found anyone here that does EMDR, that I can afford. So I feel like the year of therapy previous to my move is slowly fading into the background.
I've had 2 neck surgeries in the past 2 years, which only makes things worse. Dealing with chronic pain isn't fun, but I'd take it over the depression, anxiety and all the symptoms of my PTSD. I had my second surgery in November of 2015, and it was a big one. C-2 all the way thru T-2 is now fused. With all my metal, I would be a 3 ring circus at an airport. I was told after my second surgery, I should be able to return to work, have some kind of life, but recently found out, I now have a lot of muscle damage and it's hard to use my arms and hands for long periods of time, typing would no longer be my friend. So even if I could start to cope with the outside world again, now there's a whole other issue. Which makes me question what am I going to do with the rest of my life, who am I going to be, what am I going to do? It's scary even typing those thoughts out. I feel like this is what the rest of my life will look like. I seldom leave my house. When I do it's such a anxiety trigger for me, it takes me forever to get out the door. At this time, doctor's appointments and therapy are what my life is made up of. And living of my Social Security disability is no picnic. I thank God I have it, but it's hard to make ends meet, every single day of my life for the past 6 years.
I'll try and do my bio soon, and go more into why I am here, and why I'm the way I am. Long story short, I went through a scary situation with someone I had no relationship with, except for the fact he was my boss. I was so scared I picked up and left my entire life behind, and moved far away. Which of course didn't work out, and I moved again, and again... well you get the point. Most of my moves I was in situations where I had to live with other people, and learned quickly, when your life depends on other people, you're in for a tough ride. Not the case for everyone, I'm sure. But it was my reality. After feeling like I was truly crazy, and needed to have myself committed, and a lot of doctors, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, along with depression and anxiety. Was put on medication and prayed it would help. I didn't have the guts to go into therapy. What happened to me was embarrassing, I'd been put through the ringer by cops who never believe a man could do the crazy things he did, it I wasn't sleeping with him. My family (what little I had) acting like it was no big deal, and to get over it. I wasn't in a good place or course, but I also couldn't be judged by another person. So it took a long time to seek help. My life became so out of control, that I knew If I didn't get help, I may not be here. During therapy a lot of things from my childhood and my past reared it's ugly head. I had no idea I was able to suppress so much stuff and be so functional, and accomplish the things I had accomplished. The brain is an amazing thing. I'm far from being well. I've lost my friends, my only child, and all my family, except my Dad, but our relationship depends on whether he needs me for something or not. My home, and my entire existence. But I'm here. A lot of times that doesn't seem like I did myself any favors, but as long as I'm here, I can hope, on the days that I believe in hope, that maybe just maybe I can at least leave my house for a few hours, without coming up with every horrible thing on the face of this earth happening while I'm away.
Sorry, guess that wasn't so short, but compared to the last six years of my life, it's only minutes out of my life. I'm happy to be here. Though I'm sorry for any one that deals with their mental health, I am glad I found people that I can relate to, and will understand what I go through on a minute by minute basis. A place I won't be judged, or run people off because I'm just to damaged for anyone to deal with. I welcome any advice. And any hugs that anyone has to offer. I have very limited contact with anyone that gives me a hug, so I'll gladly take ones over the internet. I look forward to getting to know as many people as I can, and learning more about this disease that seems to have a mind of it's own and wishes to destroy my life.
In closing, I'm a huge animal lover. My dogs honestly have saved my life. I'm new here, but if anyone needs a friend to reach out to, I'll be there. I wish love and peace for everyone and I'll shut up now:)
