SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
If you get triggered by "darker thoughts" please avoid. just in case.
Today is one of those days, that kind of bleed into each other. You forget what day it is, and what is the point of trying and trying. I have PTSD and anxiety and depression. I'm taking medication and doing therapy. Recently in therapy we've started talking about the hardest things. And although on weeks when I can't push further we just talk about whatever is recent, I still keep getting more...depressed. I talk to my therapist, take meds, keep trying, I try planning, learning, building better coping skills.
Still there are days like this. I was feeling low, but I knew I have to finally sit down and face things again. I've been avoiding looking at my finances for a while. I've been trying to change them, but it comes in waves of hope versus helplessness. Today is the latter.
I dive into the big picture. I listen to financial videos, read books. I take stock of all my finances and the change in the last month(in negative direction). I realize my income is about a third of what I need to cover my expenses and my debt is 3-4 times bigger than my yearly income(though some of it isn't quite as urgent, but nevermind- I'm looking at the full picture). Either I have to pull myself up and raise to the challenge, or I'll be in debt for 10 years. I'm reading the total money makeover. I know looking at the full picture will be hard, but at the emotional state I've been in the last few weeks(lots of ups and downs, emotions and panic attacks) it feels debilitating. I want to cry, get over it and make a plan. I know there are a lot of things I can do. I know.
But then the dread and lack of desire to do anything settles in me. I take hot baths, I eat, I cry, I sleep. I repeat. Most of the day, I barely have the energy to get out of bed. I know it's one of those days I just have to live through, but at this point, it's starting to become daunting. I'm 3 tv episodes away from finishing all seasons of the show I'm watching, and I don't know what to do with myseld in this time. I was going to make myself a list of small tasks to do in such times, but now that I'm in it, I can't remember what they were at all. The apartment is a mess, but I still can barely deal with myself. And yet, the idea that I may not know what to do when I stop watching is taunting me. I have to deal with my debt, but looking at the big picture is honestly too big for me right now. I feel selfish for taking time away and helpless to do anything else. The idea there there's been nothing remotely inspiring in my day is killing me. I need something to look forward to, something tangible to remind be this is just a moment, a book, a movie, I don't care. I just need something to destract me from feeling in the middle of a black hole that will swallow me any moment. Sorry for the rant. I just have no idea how to deal with myself today.
Today is one of those days, that kind of bleed into each other. You forget what day it is, and what is the point of trying and trying. I have PTSD and anxiety and depression. I'm taking medication and doing therapy. Recently in therapy we've started talking about the hardest things. And although on weeks when I can't push further we just talk about whatever is recent, I still keep getting more...depressed. I talk to my therapist, take meds, keep trying, I try planning, learning, building better coping skills.
Still there are days like this. I was feeling low, but I knew I have to finally sit down and face things again. I've been avoiding looking at my finances for a while. I've been trying to change them, but it comes in waves of hope versus helplessness. Today is the latter.
I dive into the big picture. I listen to financial videos, read books. I take stock of all my finances and the change in the last month(in negative direction). I realize my income is about a third of what I need to cover my expenses and my debt is 3-4 times bigger than my yearly income(though some of it isn't quite as urgent, but nevermind- I'm looking at the full picture). Either I have to pull myself up and raise to the challenge, or I'll be in debt for 10 years. I'm reading the total money makeover. I know looking at the full picture will be hard, but at the emotional state I've been in the last few weeks(lots of ups and downs, emotions and panic attacks) it feels debilitating. I want to cry, get over it and make a plan. I know there are a lot of things I can do. I know.
But then the dread and lack of desire to do anything settles in me. I take hot baths, I eat, I cry, I sleep. I repeat. Most of the day, I barely have the energy to get out of bed. I know it's one of those days I just have to live through, but at this point, it's starting to become daunting. I'm 3 tv episodes away from finishing all seasons of the show I'm watching, and I don't know what to do with myseld in this time. I was going to make myself a list of small tasks to do in such times, but now that I'm in it, I can't remember what they were at all. The apartment is a mess, but I still can barely deal with myself. And yet, the idea that I may not know what to do when I stop watching is taunting me. I have to deal with my debt, but looking at the big picture is honestly too big for me right now. I feel selfish for taking time away and helpless to do anything else. The idea there there's been nothing remotely inspiring in my day is killing me. I need something to look forward to, something tangible to remind be this is just a moment, a book, a movie, I don't care. I just need something to destract me from feeling in the middle of a black hole that will swallow me any moment. Sorry for the rant. I just have no idea how to deal with myself today.
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