I need to get through today

[SeekingAfrica]

So due to recent developments today was really hard. I got physically sick. Then tried to talk to friends but there are thing you can't put into words. I have no days to waste to make money, but I crashed in a way I haven't in a month.

Suddenly it felt like my whole life was attached to how much I earn or don't. Ever since then it's been really hard to just exist. Like everything 8n me shattered and it's all sharp edges and chaos. And I feel so low but crisis lines almost never help for this inmy opinion and I can't watch or play a game and all my energy is just gone. Please help me find reasons to get through...

It's been a long journey and I think I'm running out of gas...
its one of those times it feels easy to just let go into stupid desires.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi @SeekingAfrica I'm sorry that things are so hard right now.

How are you doing? Are you remembering to take long, deep, gentle breaths to calm your physiology? Calming your body usually is the first step to calming your mind.

What's stopping you from just getting on a bus/ train/ plane to your parents' house at the moment? Is there anything truly urgent still left to do before you go there?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

"What's stopping you from just getting on a bus/ train/ plane to your parents' house at the moment? Is there anything truly urgent still left to do before you go there?"

Money for ticket mainly. And moving some still important stuff out of the apartment to friends, like documents i can't carry and such. Returning some stuff(laptop!). Renewing my meds. Hope I would have resolved that in 2 weeks. Also the worse I am the more important it is to plan the trip exactly, the earlier the better as traveling was how I got PTSD and just jumping on a bus never happens if I'm traveling alone, I get agoraphobia to a point of changing ticket the day before.

I was stupid, once I got paid I repaid all I could that I owed one kiosk for food, and my ex, and my landlord, my bills, and now I'm back at the start. Can't be calm enough to work, no work no income,no income no food or ticket, no food no time no Hope...

I feel calm but drained of energy/inspiration/ability to believe things pass. Like my progress is an illusion and I'll never earn enough again so what's stopping me from disappearing you know? Hope drives us. Without it I'm crumbling and my m8nd wanders in dangerous directions.

 

[Muttly]

you ever walk on a beach or open fields or something. You can walk and walk and walk and looking forward, it doesn't seem like you've made any progress. When you look back though, you can see that you have. You are dealing with a lot. You are moving forward. It's ok to stall on occasion. The hard thing is riding it out.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yeah, I'm really struggling with the riding it out part right now.
I feel so embarrassed of all the progress I didn't make on time, like now with income.

 

[Muttly]

my first therapist was so so, but one thing he used to say is that life isn't a race. There aren't true finish lines where you are supposed to have things done. Life happens and things don't get done on time. I get the embarrassment, I certainly feel that at times. It's so easy to see the flaws and things you haven't accomplished and ignore all the things that are getting done, or coped with.

Keep posting. This will pass.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Sending you warmth and strength @SeekingAfrica . You're doing it, I know it feels like a circle but each tiny step is still a step

 

[SeekingAfrica]

But today wasn't a step... or if it was it was backwards. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Fine, I'll accept the ptsd but can't I at least get to steady income and home situation? Maybe to ability to take care of my health properly again? Life is so exhausting right now...

 

[Midnightmoon]

You know that lovely saying therapist like to spout as soon as you hit a bump 'healing isn't linear' (or as my ex T called it the oh shit dip which I much preferred!) Anyway, it's unfortunately so very true. Today was a rubbish day, today everything feels overwhelmingly awful. You have so much on your plate and it's heavy and no wonder you are exhausted, it is exhausting.

You have your end goal, it's still there, in the distance which I know feels so incredibly far away it's impossible to imagine, but it's still there

There will be other days, with other feelings that aren't this current level of urgh, promise .

 

[Ecdysis]

I feel so embarrassed of all the progress I didn't make on time, like now with income.

If I negatively compare myself to "more functional" people like that, my therapist reminds me that I shouldn't just be comparing myself "upwards" but "downwards" as well... For example, you're not living on the street... You're not in jail... You're not intentionally harming anyone... You're not addicted to drugs... You're not in an abusive relationship... You've not had kids removed by social services... You don't have a terminal illness... You're not living in a war-zone... Do you know what I mean? Those things aren't a disaster either, of course... But they're things on a scale of low-functioning to high-functioning and you're somewhere in the middle of that... If you compare yourself to everything you're not managing, then you're leaving out the comparison of all the worse stuff you're managing to avoid... (Not sure if that makes any sense, sorry... I'm in hospital atm and hooked up to a pain-med drip, which is making my thoughts muddly and my language jumbled...)

 

[Ecdysis]

Oh, and I don't know if this might be helpful... I learned a new meditation technique a few weeks ago, which I find incredibly soothing and grounding... I'll try to explain it to you - maybe you'll find it soothing...

You sit/ lie down in a comfortable position and then use your fingertips to "close" your ears... And then when you exhale each breath, you hum... By "closing" your ears, your skull with your brain in it become a resonating body for your humming voice... Like those meditation bowls that you can put on your body and strike and then they'll reverberate in a soothing frequency...

Try it and if you find it soothing, then you know you're doing it right.

If it doesn't work cos I've explained it poorly, let me know and I'll try to explain it better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

If I negatively compare myself to "more functional" people like that, my therapist reminds me that I shouldn't just be comparing myself "upwards" but "downwards" as well... For example, you're not living on the street... You're not in jail... You're not intentionally harming anyone... You're not addicted to drugs... You're not in an abusive relationship... You've not had kids removed by social services... You don't have a terminal illness... You're not living in a war-zone... Do you know what I mean? Those things aren't a disaster either, of course... But they're things on a scale of low-functioning to high-functioning and you're somewhere in the middle of that... If you compare yourself to everything you're not managing, then you're leaving out the comparison of all the worse stuff you're managing to avoid... (Not sure if that makes any sense, sorry... I'm in hospital atm and hooked up to a pain-med drip, which is making my thoughts muddly and my language jumbled...)

You're in a hospital and still finding time to try and help me, you're amazing! Anything serious? Yes you do make sense. Both for this and the meditation. Not sure what will help but I do get it. And I'll try.