Supporter Trying To Keep It Together :/

[Vivian Langston]

I am married to my combat veteran husband for the last five years. Together we have two small children under four and he has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage.

Today is one of our struggles and a friend mentioned that maybe I should join a support group online. I thought maybe it would help me understand. I haven't really come to terms with what is PTSD and what is an excuse to let me do everything for him.

I know I enable him to not strive for better but when I try talking to him he always reverts back to "I wish you could live my life for one day so you would understand." Sometimes I feel like screaming back "why don't you try my life buddy!"

We have been through so much in the few years we have been together, holding his hand, supporting, his mood swings, lost jobs, etc. but I am now at the point of what is enough? How hard should I strive to drag him through this life along with three kids?

I am just so lost in this whole mix and no matter what I try to do to help him it is never enough to "pull" him back to reality. My husband and I went to high school together so I knew him before PTSD. He was so fun loving and could make anyone laugh. He had a beautiful smile and charm to match.

I miss those things about him as I rarely seem them now. I also knew/know his ex-wife because she went to high school with us as well. She and I have a very good relationship and we co-parent their daughter nicely. I just wish my husband could see all the good in our life. What can I do to turn the light on in his life?

<Edited for basic grammar>

 

[KP the nut]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sure you will find the information and support you need. Please check out the supporters section. The good news is that you are no longer alone. You are with folk who understand.

Wishing you peace.

 

[sisu]

Welcome Vivian,
I am sorry you are going through all of this. Come over and join us in the supporters section. Lots of great people with lots of knowledge and life experience. There are also many great articles on the site as well as some wonderful book selections. Learn as much as you can about PTSD - it really does help.

One question....is he in treatment of any sort right now? On meds? It is important that he take ownership of his PTSD and get the proper treatments or you will be fighting a losing battle.

Take care,
Sisu

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry you are having a hard time. The supporters here are a great bunch of people and very helpful. I would start with the 'sticky' threads at the tops of the supporters section of the forum. Those are very good guides in your daily life struggles with your husband.

Remember to take care of yourself too!

 

[ProudWife99]

Hi Vivian and welcome! I, too, am married to a combat veteran. He is the light of my world and biggest pain in my hind end at the same time.

You say you know you enable him not to strive for better. Don't do that. Really, stop doing that. If we make their misery comfortable they will definately stay there. I know I would. If when I had a bad day someone took care of everything in my life for me, I wouldn't mind having another bad day..to avoid the other realities of my life. You are not his mother, you are not his babysitter, you are his wife. You promised to love him, not be his doormat.

One thing our T told me in the beginning is I was going to have to start making things uncomfortable for my H. It was difficult and I hated doing it (he didn't like me much when I did, either) but in the end, it was the right thing. I wouldn't let him sit on the couch and growl at me. I wouldn't be quiet when he was grumpy. I did that for too long and it didn't help! I had to make a stand and recently, he thanked me for it (I almost fell over!)

First things first, come to terms. This isn't going away. He isn't going to revert back to your high school sweetheart completely. Things changed and he can't be that man anymore, but it doesn't mean it isn't still a GOOD man. PTSD has no cure, it can only be managed. It will run your life if you let it. I suggest soaking up as much information and knowledge as you can. My armor is this forum and what I've learned here. I hope it is as useful to you as I have found it.

Take care of yourself. You are important.

 

[Vivian Langston]

Thank you Proud Wife 99... you actually had me in tears! I have definitely made things easy for him.. he does no houshold chores, inside or outside, he does minimal things for our kids, I take care of our finances and everything you could think of. All he has to do is go to work... thats it, and he has trouble with that. I know he wont be the man I knew from school (we never dated, just good friends) but I would like him to be a well man. What are somethings I can start with to stop enabling him? At this point I do everything because I know he wont and it has to be done.

Today for the first time I told him I couldnt watch him doing nothing for his recovery. He had to start taking meds they recommended and seeking therapy.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Today for the first time I told him I couldnt watch him doing nothing for his recovery. He had to start taking meds they recommended and seeking therapy.

Glad you are making boundaries. That's very good and healthy for the relationship.

 

[ProudWife99]

You started right where you should have - you CANNOT do a darn thing for him until he is ready to do something for himself. He must start therapy, as if he does not you are both, as sisu put it, fighting a losing battle.

I'm not suggesting that you simply stop doing all of the things you do, as we can't just stop paying bills and doing housework. That is where it was difficult, because things HAD to be done whether he was going to be a party to them or not. I am suggesting that he doesn't get to sit on the coach and watch TV as you vacuum under his feet and fetch him water and food. You are not a servant. You are a human and in the very least deserve respect. You must demand it, as PTSD can often keep us from freely giving it.

Begin to set boundaries where you can and challenge him to seek treatment/get on his recommended medication. Do not make empty threats and most of all, follow through.

Come here and vent and cry and let us have it. We've all been there. Lean on us here when you've had it. Seek comfort WHEREVER you can find it. Love yourself. Those are important things.