Trying To Not Be So Isolated

[anni]

Thank you! I still think it would drive me batty in the end but I can never see one of these creative things without getting intrigued! I get terribly confused with precise instructions of any kind is the problem-my head just sort of shuts down in a wierd way. I'd have to bet in your case you might be genuinely surprised that you might be welcomed into such a group, you know. Their common subject is their interest in the furniture, anything else is just 'chat', you know? Having an interest in this IS 'having something in common' with these people and I'm guessing pretty specialized? Having hung around the scenary for some years I'd also have to guess you have a good amount of knowledge gathered with this. Please do not feel I'm at all 'pushing' you, I'm just pointing out that you do have 'the' thing in common most important for joining that group, you know?

Your children sound wonderful, and terribly, terribly bright. That sort of success takes brains plus the ability to 'get there', which something you did for them as children enabled them to do. Yes, you miss the children they were but gosh, I hope you are able to look at the adults you gifted their fields of study with and know some satisfaction at having done more than well. I do not know you or your children, but people that intelligent also know how they got there I am sure. It's very, very hard for someone with PTSD to muster the self esteem to recognize perhaps the good they've accomplished in the world but hopefully at least looking at your children and what they are you can see some of your wonderful qualities reflected in them-because of you.

Thanks for sharing. It's lovely to talk to you, whenever you're up to being here.

 

[i think its very sad]

Thank you very much for everything you've said. I guess in my mind, the difference between normal people and me are just to great & I always feel like I have to act normal & be ashamed of my illness.

For instance, this is what the last 24 hours of my life have been like. I thought the doctor wasnt going to call the ins. company to pay for pristiq. (after about 6 months of really needing to go to the gp, I had finally made it last friday. Alll he did was roll his eyes & look bored when I said I needed another snri and asked me which one I wanted. So, I prescribed the Prestiq anyway.) Hes a gp, he doesn't want to treat depression. So, for almost a week, I've been putting off calling all these people to try to resolve this. Finally, they left a message because I froze and couldnt answer the phone. I cant even talk on the phone to my children. Now I have to force myself to get dressed and drive & really sometimes this takes days and sometimes I never do it. As an example, I took Klonopin for about 10 yrs. I was addicted to it. Since my shrink is gone, my cardiologist prescribed that always with the threat that I should find another shrink. So, he was gone on vacation last summer & I ran out. Instead of calling gp, going to emer room or going to mental health. I sat right here alone & weaned myself off of the medication my shrink had told me to NEVER stop taking.

Anyway, I got the medicine that I prescribed & I take a little visteril usually to sleep. Nope, I cant take that anymore. So, I layed there all night listening to bbc radio 7. I have a lot of trouble sleeping anyway because I have interstitial cystitis, a horrible disease. Untreatable & incurrable. I go to the bathroom literally more than 30 times a night while Im trying to get to sleep.

So now I'm afraid of what the medicine is going to do to me, after all, I had to prescribe it myself & was lucky I could get a doctor to go along with it but I'm very insecure about this whole situation. Sitting here waiting to see what it does.

I am ashamed that I have all of these diseases and its depressing to have to be so faulty. I feel defective and that I've been "cut from the herd" a long time ago. My life is consumed with these conditions & I can't share this with anyone. The first line of any greeting in any social situation is, "How are you today?" The answer is "I'm fine, ty and how are you?"Even with my children, if I can't tell that lie convincingly and think of something interesting to talk about and stay on topic, the social interaction will fail, reinforcing the fact that all of these symptoms are keeping me from having anything like a life.

I've gotten all intense & I have to go regroup.

 

[anni]

Oh my, please do believe again you're not alone. I always, always thought I was the 'only one' who would allow myself to become isolated and also get myself into increasingly awkward situations because I couldn't make phone calls OR answer the phone. I still have huge problems with this, although do fight it daily. One of my 'things' is to just grab the darn thing if I can instantly, as soon as it rings so my head can't tell me not to-if that makes any sense. It doesn't always work but sometimes it does. Caller ID has been somewhat helpful, since I know who is there. Funny doc offices will frequently kick in my avoidance also. Believe it or not, I've also done the same exact thing in going without medication because I canNOT get myself to order more-isn't it maddening? The thing is, the docs really, really, do not wish us to be without our treatment. I'm always amazed when the person at the other end of the phone is lovely, kind, polite and then the doc calls BACK- I was important! Tough to get into one's head, isn't it?

Writing this stuff here will certainly sometimes make one feel 'intense', unsettled, etc. That's ok also, and actually pretty much normal plus a good thing. It's too long to get into plus I always get it wrong when I try to explain this stuff but it's a sort of therapy all by itself. Speaking as another avoidant type, if you can, do try to keep coming back when you can. Even if you do not post at least you're here and it's something, you know? It's been very helpful for me with this so have made myself stick to it for many, MANY reasons-also too long to get into. The avoidance thing is certainly one of them. It really, really does get easier, too. Please know it's not one sided, however. You being here is beneficial to others, as hard as that is to believe with the shredded PTSD self esteem we all share. I'd also not do well explaining that, but please believe it's just true.

I'm sorry you have that dreadful condition. That's not pity, I promise, it's sheer empathy. I can't imagine a broken night sleep like that! I know having to launch myself out of my cozy bed once to get to the bathroom is annoying-can't imagine countless trips like you have.

Write what you can and when you can, ok? Even when you don't see a ton of people replying you'd be amazed at how many people are reading and just sort of nodding in understanding and being glad they're not alone with all this too.