Trying To Not Cry In Therapy

[Angel_090]

I just started therapy. It's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. See, I'm not great at opening up to people. I have some trust issues and I usually don't have many people to talk to in the first place. I've gone to two sessions already but I still haven't been able to say much to my therapist. I have a hard time accepting that he actually wants to help me (why would anyone bother). And I feel completely exposed during the session since I'm the only one sharing.
During the second session, I teared up for just a second and completely freaked out on the inside. I hate crying in front people. I only allow myself to cry at night, in my bed, alone. At the end of the second session, I got the feeling my therapist was annoyed or disappointed that I hadn't still shared anything real. I still haven't told him why I'm seeking his help (to tell him that I would have to explain other things, it's not a simple issue). He said that if I wasn't comfortable, I didn't have to make another appointment which made me feel like he didn't want me to make another appointment. We still set it up and my next session is on Friday.
I promised him that I would talk about the "bad things" that I hadn't in the last two sessions. Granted, although it's going to be like swallowing glass, I think I can push through and tell him.I really don't want to waste his time. But the thing I don't think I will be able to stop is the crying. I know I get emotional when I just think about certain things. So I was thinking of a way to stop myself from crying in the next session.
Now, I'm not too familiar with how everything in therapy works and what is allowed and what is not. I thought about snapping a rubber band on my wrist whenever I would begin to tear up during the session to stop myself. I'm not sure how my therapist will react. He has this poker face that I can't read. So, I'm afraid that if I do the rubber band thing or something else he might he upset.

 

[Teasel]

Oh I so understand!

One of my main 'defences' against the fact that I'm actually quite scared of people is that I usually quickly get people to talk about themsleves :D

The other is to drink :(

Obviously you can't really do either in therapy ;)

I'm sure other people will have something more useful to say than me but what I found helped me was to share Pete Walker's website with my T, seemed to me to explain the terrible fear I felt better than I could myself - http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm

Wish you all the best x

 

[mrsps]

I can relate to the struggling to open up to people and why would a T want to help. Please do not be afraid to cry in front of your T!! It is ok to cry in front of them it is a safe place and they are used to it. Don't hold it back. Crying expresses emotion and your T will be able to tell how hard it is for you to talk about the uncomfortable stuff.

He said that if I wasn't comfortable, I didn't have to make another appointment which made me feel like he didn't want me to make another appointment.

He may have thought you were not comfortable with him, im sure it wasn't the case that he didn't want to see you. It is best that you let him know you are not used to opening up to people and it will take you some time.
Best of luck :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If he's a trauma therapist he won't pressure you to explain. You can get away with saying it in one statement if you wish.

 

[Suzetig]

It's only been two sessions, if he's any good he'll take it at your pace.

 

[judster]

I can also very much relate! I have a female (my preference and just easier for me) counselor/T. I have always had a hard time opening up and verbalize certain things. Although it's still can be pretty difficult (personally), she gives me an option to write it out if I can't talk. Perhaps that may help you.. either in session or before hand, then you can give it to him when you see him next.

Best wishes..

 

[Louise1988]

@Angel_090 I so understand how you feel. It takes me a long time to open up and to build a trusting relationship. Firstly please try not to pressure yourself - you aren't wasting his time, it is just part of the process. Could you try to talk with your T about what is difficult about opening up? What you fear might happen if you do, or show your vulnerability? I find it incredibly hard to let my therapist "hold the space" - I am always trying to ensure that he is okay!! But we talked about that a lot and veeeerrrryyy slowly I am accepting that he "won't break" (his words!).

My main advice is - there is no rush! This is your space, I know that can trigger so much entitlement stuff - but it has to go at your pace.

Crying - although it can be terrifying - is a release - and I promise you will stop! - even if it takes a while!!

Best wishes x

 

[shimmerz]

Angel, I would take it slowly. A T is meant to teach coping strategies before you go big into your trauma. I feel like you are applying unnecessary pressure on yourself. I would be worried that you will reactivate things if you open up too quickly. Do you have tools to help with dissociation etc? If not, I think it might not be time to open up too much. JMHO.

 

[barefoot]

I can relate to much of what you say and would echo others' comments. You're very new to therapy (only two sessions in - that's honestly no time at all), and pressurising or rushing yourself to share difficult stuff before you're ready and before you've built a relationship with your therapist and have learnt some grounding techniques could be really counter-productive.

I started therapy last summer - which isn't very long either in the grand scheme of things - and it took me quite a while to realise that there was no 'right' way to do therapy. I was so determined to 'do it properly' and worried constantly about how much of the therapist's time I was wasting by not talking about important stuff or by sitting and dissociating. Now, I understand that's not how it works. I still get frustrated and impatient with myself sometimes. But I do now think, therapy is about turning up and being how you need to be in any given session. And that might really vary from week to week.

Try to be kind to yourself and take some pressure off yourself. Look after yourself and focus on getting your needs met. Maybe try to avoid thinking in terms of 'what's allowed' in therapy. Everything (within reason!) should be allowed - because it's about you doing/being what you need. So whether that's you sitting in silence, pinging an elastic band, bawling your eyes out, holding a soft toy, talking about everything under the sun apart from the difficult stuff for a while...whatever... Yes, ultimately, you want the therapy to be helpful and for you to make good progress. But it takes time. And you have to lay good foundations with your therapist first.

And try not to get distracted by trying to second guess what your therapist thinks. It can be really difficult not to do this especially to start with, I know - I got completely obsessed with always trying to be one step ahead of what mine would say/think. It really wasn't helpful to me and just meant that I kept getting really side tracked! And now I think she was just waiting for me to feel ready to open up about stuff. She wasn't feeling impatient, frustrated, disappointed, bored with me...it was just me feeling those things about myself!

Good luck...I hope you manage to take some time to build a good relationship with this therapist so that, when you're ready, you can do some really good work together.

 

[barefoot]

Oh and I've not cried in therapy either. I've teared up a few times and each time I've panicked and just forced myself not to. A couple of times, my therapist tried to encourage me to sit with the feelings and talk to her about them instead of trying to shut them down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it and then dissociated!

 

[Teasel]

But I do now think, therapy is about turning up and being how you need to be in any given session. And that might really vary from week to week.

Am grateful for reading this, it feels like something that I immediately recognise to be true but have barely known before ty x

 

[Ronjustice]

Please keep going, @Angel_090 and do not keep from crying, It took me several sessions before I could open up and start crying. It felt so much better because I could finely tell someone about my pain and nightmares I was having.