Relationship Trying To Understand.

[Leigh]

Thank you ProudWife, food for thought there :)

He contacted me today and has seemed to have reverted back to a few weeks ago and to completelly side step the whole situation. :O_o: who knows??

Take care,

Leigh

 

[Leigh]

I do know he likes my creative ideas, but if he is already experiencing anxiety, panic, or stress, then he translates the ideas as I don't think he is smart enough to handle it.

Thank you Tifanee.
This is very reminant of his reaction to my offer of help. He seemed to take it very personally that I didn't mind doing things for him, such as just making his drink even though I was making mine at the same time. I did ask prior to this 'blip' if he was feeling emasculated by my help (I had helped him sort some work out, and covered him financially for a week [which I did to try and alleviate any stress]) and he replied "no" and that "it's nice to have someone that actually cares" but all of this was later thrown back as being "pushy, try-hard and domineering".

As much as you don't think it is appropriate to ask about his trauma, this is an important piece of the puzzle. Be non-responsive and patient, and supportive if he opens up to you. When they finally tell you, they trust you but there is a strong fear of rejection when they tell someone.

I have wondered how to approach the situation - but I obviously need to do it in a mannor that doesn't make things worse. I know a few things that are quite personal that could very easily have caused PTSD - but have not asked as to whether or not they are.

Take each day as it comes, keep your life moving in a positive direction and pause before you respond to him. There will be good and bad days, and with boundaries the bad days won't affect you as much. You are not in a traditional relationship with just a man, you are in a relationship with a man whose PTSD symptoms take over his world. These moments can be for a few hours, days, or weeks. Let him work it out and when the time is right he will talk to you. Just remember, his behavior is not about you but his behavior should not be directed at you!

This is very positive and thank you for the advice.

Take care,

Leigh.

 

[Leigh]

Leigh: Can't tell if the problem is his PTSD, what you've described could be but it could be everyday life. It's more likely that it is PTSD but based on the above info you still leave open the possibility he/you/both are making the normal mistakes. Shrug.

This is very true Carlsen, I am open to that idea too.

My only thought is that if I cover the posiblity of it actually being PTSD related - then I have covered the 'worse' end of the spectrum and I haven't 'dropped the ball' with the lack of support (if that even makes sense??)

It's a new relationship - we both have certain 'issues' - it isn't going to be a walk in the park.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually :)

 

[Enigma66]

Leigh, I hope you don't mind me being a little blunt and i don't expect you to answer all my questions but I would like to give you some things to think about.

PTSD - How long has he had it, when was he diagnosed and why, it would be good if you could find some quiet time with no distractions so you can both sit down and have an open discussion about how it is for him. It seems PTSD is something he has casually mentioned in passing, but it sounds like you are already struggling to understand it, on your own. What attempts does he take in his daily life to manage it eg self-care. Take into consideration his diet, coffee intake, does he exercise, does he take meds, does he have counselling, is he involved in a support group, is he willing to educate himself and help himself. How much responsibility does he take to get well/keep himself well, what are his triggers. You say he has been drinking heavily and using drugs, these are not a good mix. How does he relate to his family, friends, workmates in day-to-day communications, does he have a solid consistent job history or does he change jobs frequently, does he shift house a lot/change his living situation, if so why. Look at the big picture...

You are his partner, his friend, lover etc try not to be his nurse or his caregiver or pick up the pieces, make excuses or justify his behaviour. If the person isn't coping with their PTSD well and take little responsibility for their health and well-being of the relationship then it can take over and becoming all-consuming. Keep the lines of communication open but look after yourself and stick to your boundaries. Take care :)

 

[Leigh]

Leigh, I hope you don't mind me being a little blunt and i don't expect you to answer all my questions but I would like to give you some things to think about.

I don't find you blunt at all, I respect honest and upfront people :)

I can't really answer all the who/what/when/why's merely beacuse I don't know the anwers. I know he is very close to his parents, they are in contact almost every day. His siblings, however, are a different story - he doesn't have any contact with them. He is between jobs at the moment and in university, which is taking a bit of a back seat at the moment. He mentioned that he's recieved professional help before, but is not in therapy at the moment. His drinking I had pointed out and he just made excuses for it, substance use he was trying to hide, but I have experience with that and knew the signs. He drinks a LOT of coffee, possibly 10-12 cups a day - I've never really thought about it before - is that an issue?

Other than that, he seems to function very well.

I really appreciate you're advice and help, thank you.

Leigh.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Leigh,

I have read this thread with interest, lots of constructive comment and thinking.

For what it's worth, here is my shot from the hip:

Does it matter whether his behaviour is "PTSD" or not?

If it is PTSD then get prepared for more of the same. There is no cure and while symptoms can be managed it takes active engagement from the sufferer and a commitment from the supporter too. To better understand that commitment browse the supporter section here.

If it isn't PTSD, do you really want to have a loving relationship with someone who thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable? If he can't sit down and have an adult conversation about this episode, about his PTSD and how he is managing it, is he relationship material?

Best of luck.

 

[Leigh]

Thank you Pale Warrior.

I understand your point exactly, and it is in my mind, the only thing that I keep thinking is "this is the first time" as in, neither of us know how to deal with this situation - I don't know how to aid him (if it is PTSD) and he doesn't know how I'll react. So maybe we are still just 'fumbling in the dark' with the whole thing?? I'm a firm believer that everyone gets one chance - after that, though, is another story ;)

I have read this thread with interest, lots of constructive comment and thinking.

I agree whole heartedly. The support here is fantastic! Such a friendly board and I'm glad I found it.

Thanks again and take care,

Leigh.